Wish You Were Here
by Mrs. McDreamy MD
Summary: Derek walks away from Meredith while she is trying to make a choice between him and Finn, but he doesn't leave just her. Meredith struggles to deal with his absence and her pregnancy. MerDer. Rated for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

This fic is named after the song Wish You Were Here- By Pink Floyd

Meredith wakes up with a feeling in the pit of her stomach. She gets these feelings sometimes and they are usually an indicator that something bad is going to happen. She looks at the clock—4:45. She sighs. She needs to make a choice. Finn or Derek. Derek or Finn. She can't keep stringing them along. She slings the covers back and starts to get up out of the bed. The sudden verticality causes her stomach to churn. She is unable to repress the feeling of nausea and runs to the bathroom. Izzie is at the sink brushing her teeth and Meredith kneels in front of the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach. Izzie raises an eyebrow as she watches Meredith.

Izzie: Too much tequila last night?

Meredith: I didn't drink last night.

Izzie: Hrmm…stomach flu maybe?

Meredith: Maybe.

Meredith finally stands up after the nausea subsides and brushes her teeth. Izzie is watching her out of the corner of her eye.

Izzie (suddenly and loudly): Oh my GOD!

Meredith jumps at the sound of Izzie's voice. She looks at her with wide eyes.

Meredith: What the Hell was that about?!

Izzie: What if you're pregnant??

Meredith hadn't thought about this. No, she can't be pregnant. There is no way.

Meredith: I can't be pregnant. I'm not pregnant. There is no way.

Izzie: There is a way, you just don't want to accept it as a possibility.

Meredith: Because it isn't a possibility.

She stands there for a moment.

Meredith: Oh God. What if I'm pregnant?

Izzie: Do you know who the father is?

Meredith: It would have to be Derek?

Izzie: What do you mean, it would have to be? What about McVet?

Meredith: I haven't had sex with Finn.

Izzie: Seriously?

Meredith: Seriously.

Izzie: Wow, I'm like a proud mama.

Meredith shoots a glare at Izzie before they both start laughing. After a couple of minutes, Meredith becomes silent. She looks at Izzie with a panicked look in her eyes.

Izzie: What?

Meredith: What am I going to do? I mean, if I'm pregnant?

Izzie looks at her. She opens her mouth to speak a couple of times before actually finding her voice.

Izzie: Who do you want to be with?

Meredith: I don't know.

Izzie: Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it.

Meredith: If I knew, why would I be doing this to myself?

Izzie: Well, for one, you want to make him squirm a little because you don't want him to think that he can always come waltzing back into your life. Secondly, you are afraid to get hurt again and he can hurt you like no one else can.

Meredith: How can he hurt me like no one else can?

Izzie: Because you are still madly in love with him.

Meredith opens her mouth to speak but closes it again. She looks at Izzie out of the corner of her eye.

Meredith: You're good.

Izzie rolls forward onto her tippy toes and then back on the ball of her feet, a huge smile on her face.

Izzie: I know. So, you've made a decision?

Meredith: I guess so.

Izzie: What if you're not pregnant?

Meredith: My decision has nothing to do with that. It is just prompting it, that's all.

Izzie: Well, all I can say is it's about damn time.

Meredith: What do you mean?

Izzie: You and McDreamy are made for each other. It is about that you were actually together.

Meredith doesn't respond but just stares at her own reflection.

Izzie: What is it?

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: I can't be pregnant…but if I am…

Izzie: If you are what?

A small smile spreads across her face and she lightly runs her hand over her stomach. Izzie smiles at this act.

Meredith: If I am it will be okay, because Derek…I love Derek and he will be there for me. I know he won't leave me. I have never been able to picture myself having children…until I met him.

Izzie smiles at Meredith.

Izzie: He will never leave you.

They stand there for a moment longer. Izzie looks at her watch.

Izzie: Shit! We have to get going or we are going to be late.

She looks quickly at Meredith.

Izzie: I will take some blood and we will run the test after we get to the hospital.

Meredith nods at Izzie.

Meredith: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah?

Meredith: Please don't tell anyone.

Izzie: Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

Meredith: Thank you.

Izzie: No problem. Now let's go.

Meredith and Izzie leave the house and drive to work together. George was on call last night so he was already at the hospital. Meredith and Izzie get there a little early and Izzie draws Meredith's blood.

Izzie: You know the drill. Just go pick them up in about an hour.

Meredith just nods.

Meredith: Thanks, Izzie.

Izzie: No problem. I'm just glad you are letting me in. It is usually you and Cristina, so it's nice.

Meredith smiles at her as they make their way into the locker room where they see the other interns. Cristina looks at Meredith and studies her intently.

Cristina: What the hell is wrong with you?

Meredith looks at her taken aback.

Meredith: Nothing.

Cristina furrows her brow.

Cristina: You are a horrible liar.

She stands up and leans in to Meredith.

Cristina: You better tell me later.

Meredith just nods and proceeds to open her locker. An envelope falls out onto the floor with her name written in the familiar masculine hand. Just as she is about to open the envelope Bailey enters the locker room.

Bailey: Okay, suck ups, there are lives to save. Grey-pit, Yang-burke, O'Malley-Torres, Stevens-you're in the pit with Grey, Karev you're with Montgomery.

The interns stand still, looking at each other.

Bailey: MOVE!

They all scatter. Bailey chuckles to herself because of her ability to scare them all.

Meredith makes her way down to the pit but decides she needs to make a call before getting started. She dials the number that has become familiar to her over the past couple of weeks. It rings twice before he finally answers.

Voice: Hello?

Meredith: Hey, Finn.

Finn: Meredith? What's up?

Meredith: We need to talk.

Finn: Okay. Would you like to get lunch today or something?

Meredith: I don't think that is a great idea.

Finn (disappointed voice): Oh. You're choosing him aren't you?

Meredith: I'm sorry, Finn. I…he's it for me. I love him.

Finn: He will hurt you again. You do know that right?

Meredith is a little shocked by this statement.

Meredith: Probably, but I have to try. He's worth it.

Finn: Well, just so you know, when he hurts you, I won't be there.

Click.

Meredith looks at her cell phone, thinking that she really made the right choice. What a jackass. She walks down to the pit and joins Izzie. Izzie looks at her and notices that something is wrong.

Izzie: What is it?

Meredith: I just broke up with Finn. He was a complete ass.

Izzie just smiles at her.

Izzie: So, what was in the envelope?

Meredith had forgotten about the envelope. She pulls it out of her pocket and opens it. She reads over the letter and before she reaches the end her face is pale and tears are running down her face. Just as she opens her mouth to speak, her pager goes off. Her lab results are in.

Meredith (in an upset voice): I have to go.

Izzie: Meredith, what is it?

Meredith: My labs are in.

Izzie: Oh, well do you want me to come with you?

Meredith: No thanks. I'm fine.

Meredith stands up and numbly walks to the pick up her labs. Meredith approaches the area where she is going to pick up her labs. She inhales deeply. She doesn't really feel anything at the moment, other than alone. She walks up to the man handing out the results.

Meredith: I need to pick up results for Grey, Meredith.

The man looks through the results in front of him and it seems to take forever.

Man: Ah, here you go.

He hands the piece of paper to Meredith, the piece of paper that will determine her future. She takes the piece of paper in her hand and walks over to the nearby nurses' station. She places the piece of paper on the counter top and places her head in her hands as she reads over the paper. She slowly lifts up and grabs the piece of paper. Her expression is blank and her movements are slow. She begins walking. She doesn't really know where she is going. She just knows that she needs to be somewhere other than here. She walks past Cristina and Cristina notices the looks on her face.

Cristina: Meredith?

Silence.

Cristina begins to walk next to Meredith.

Cristina: Are you okay?

Meredith looks at her.

Meredith: No. I'm not okay.

Meredith continues to walk, leaving Cristina behind. Cristina watches Meredith walk away like a zombie. She has no idea how much her person's world has just turned upside down.

Meredith continues to walk. She doesn't really know where she is going. She passes several people in the hallways, several of them giving her odd looks. She walks into the intern locker room. She could really use some tequila right now but the test results in her hand prevent her from finding comfort there. Finally, everything all of her emotions overcome her and she sinks down onto the floor.

He left. He left her here all alone. She loves him. She loves him so much. Damn it. Why did he have to leave her? And now…now she is pregnant. What is she going to do? She needs him. She may not have been able to breathe with him looking at her, but she sure as hell can't breathe without him. Everyone leaves her. Why does everyone have to leave her? Why does no one love her? He said he loved her, but obviously that didn't stop him from leaving. Why does she have to drive everyone away from her? She is nothing. She is no one. And now…now she is going to be responsible for another human being. She doesn't even think about terminating the pregnancy, she loves him too much for that. She already loves the life that is growing inside of her because it is a part of him, a part of both of them…a product of their love.

Finally, she can't contain her emotions. Her body begins to shake uncontrollably as sobs begin to escape from deep in her chest. She feels her heart slowly breaking with each sob that is emitted from her mouth. She isn't good enough. She is just like her mother told her she was. Why does it have to heart so bad? The pain is too much. It feels as if her heart is pumping her pain through her arteries and to every single part of her body. She already misses him. She already misses him and she just found out thirty minutes ago that he was gone. She can't do this. She needs him. She didn't know that until thirty minutes ago, but now she does and she needs him. She needs him to function. She needs him to breathe. She needs him to believe, to believe in herself and to believe in love.

Oh God, what is she going to do? She can't raise a child, their child, on her own. She doesn't want to raise a child on her own. She never even thought about children until she met him, until she loved him. She was never even happy until she met him. He made her feel human, important. Sobs continue to wrack her body and she doesn't even notice when the door to the locker room opens and two very concerned faces appear in the room.

The sight that meets their eyes breaks their hearts. Meredith is splayed on the floor, her hair scattered over the ground behind her and over her face. She is laying on her stomach and on of her cheeks is placed against the cold, hard floor. One of her arms is spread out behind her body, her hand grasping an envelope and a piece of paper. The other arm is in front of her face and her hand seems to be clawing at the ground as if searching for something desperately. Even through the mess of hair covering her face, they are able to see her tear streaked face and the look of complete loss in her eyes.

Cristina and Izzie slowly walk towards Meredith. Izzie raises her hand to her mouth and Cristina runs her hand through her thick mane of hair.

Izzie: Oh my, Mer…

Cristina glances at her person lying broken on the floor of the locker room. She isn't good at these kinds of things.

Cristina: What's wrong, Meredith?

Meredith doesn't even acknowledge their presence. Cristina notices the papers grasped in Meredith's hand and walks over to that side of her body. She bends down and removes the papers from Meredith's hand. First , she reads over the lab results. Her mouth falls agape and she looks down at Meredith.

Cristina: You're pregnant? You're having a McBaby?

Izzie: Cristina!

Cristina just looks at Izzie and shrugs.

Izzie: I think it was what is in the envelope that really upset her. She read it just before she went to pick up her lab results.

Cristina quickly looks at Izzie.

Cristina: Wait. You knew??

Izzie: Well, she just kind of figured it out this morning..

Cristina: Whatever.

Izzie: Just read what's in the envelope.

During this chat, Meredith doesn't move or make any noise. She just stays on the floor, completely oblivious to what is going on around her. Cristina reads over the letter and her mouth falls agape.

Izzie: What is it??

Cristina (in a quiet voice): He's gone.

A confused look spreads over Izzie's face.

Izzie: Who's gone?

Cristina: McDreamy. He left her this letter telling her bye.

Izzie's mouth now falls agape. Both are startled by the loud sobs that begin pouring forth from Meredith's tiny frame. Izzie leans down to Meredith and looks up at Cristina.

Izzie: Meredith?

Meredith doesn't answer her. She just continues to sob.

Izzie: We need to do something.

Cristina: What can we do? We are at work.

Izzie: She shouldn't be here.

Cristina: Yeah, you try convincing Bailey of that.

Izzie: I'm sure once Bailey sees her she will agree. Look at her. She doesn't even know what is going on around her at the moment.

Cristina: I can see that, but I don't know what we are supposed to do about it. That ass didn't even say where he was going.

Izzie: You know, she broke up with Finn today. She chose him.

Cristina arches her eyebrow.

Cristina: Seriously?

Izzie: Seriously.

Cristina: What a McAss.

Izzie: Seriously!

They both stand there for a moment, watching their broken friend sob uncontrollably on the floor. They really don't know what to say or to do. They just know that they need to get her out of the hospital. The gossip would be bad enough and the last thing she needs right now is for the entire hospital to see her this broken. Meredith Grey doesn't break. She didn't break when he chose his wife, when she almost died, or when the entire hospital found out about her mother. Meredith Grey didn't break, until Derek Shepherd walked away, leaving her completely broken and pregnant with their unborn child.

Cristina's voice breaks the still silence that has settled over them all.

Cristina: We need to do something.

Izzie: I'm going to go get Bailey.

Izzie doesn't wait for a response. She walks out of the locker room and Cristina sits down on a bench near Meredith. She puts her head in her hands. Her person is so broken. She wants to help, but doesn't really know how. It's not fair. It's not fair that this keeps happening to Meredith. She looks down at the broken form lying on the floor.

**So...I know that I have three fics in progress on here...but all of them have several updates already written...so posting this won't slow the updates on the others...I actually have one more fic that will be posted on here eventually...This was my second fic that I started writing...so I hope you all enjoy...**

**-Marci**


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith is still oblivious to her surrounding. A song is playing in her head, accompanying her thoughts.

"Not Fair" by Kate Havnevik

_He got away with thousands of dollars_

_He got away from the state police_

He got away with my heart. How am I going to live without my heart? He is my heart. Why did I let him have my heart? Why does is have to hurt this bad?

_He got away with emotional murder_

_He slipped away with the summer breeze_

He left. He's gone and I'm still here. If he had to leave, why couldn't he take me with him? He said it was to be the better man, to keep from hurting me. But I am hurting now…I am hurting so much. It hurts to breath. My heart hurts. Oh God, I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him. How could he do this to me?

_I__t's not fair_

_To__ call it a day_

_I__t's not fair_

_To just walk away_

_I__t's not fair_

_To bring me down_

_It's not fair_

_To leave a mess behind_

I can't do this by myself. He is the one who made me believe I could be a good parent, but only with him at my side. I need him. I'm lost without him. It's not fair. It's not fair that he gets to go away and leave me here. I hate him. I hate him so much.

_He got away with the ultimate shakedown_

_He ran away from the scene of the crime_

It's so not fair. I don't hate him. I love him. I love him so much in a way that makes me hate him. He's such an ass. He's an ass. Maybe we are better off without him.

_He got away from everyone in his way_

_Gone, and not a trace left behind_

That's not true. I need him. We need him. He would make a great father. He always wanted to be a father. I need him here for this. I need him here to breathe, to live. Oh God, what am I going to do? How am I going to function without him? I don't even know where he is. I don't know where my other half is.

_It's not fair_

_To__ catch me out_

_It's not fair_

_To leave me in doubt_

_No it's not fair_

_To not explain_

_It's not fair_

_To leave a mess behind_

I knew better. I knew better than to let myself love him. Why did he do this? I need him. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts. It hurts to breathe.

_How'd you pull it off?_

_how'd__ you get away with it?_

_I never stood a chance_

_Oh you left me to die_

I was lost the minute I fell in love. I don't know what to do. Oh God. I can't breathe. It hurts to breathe. I don't want to breathe. My baby. Our baby. Oh God.

_It's not fair_

_To pull me down_

_It's not fair_

_To make me run around_

_No it's not fair_

_To not explain_

_I__t's not fair_

_To make me ask you why_

_To leave a mess behind_

_To make me ask you why_

Why? Why did he do this? Oh God. No. He's coming back. He can't be gone. He can't leave me here…alone…to raise our child. I need him. I need him to hold my hand. I need him to help me breathe. Oh God. Oh God. No.

Cristina sits and watches helplessly as her best friend lies on the cold floor with her eyes red and swollen. She doesn't know what to do.

(Scene switches to Izzie)

Izzie runs up to Dr. Bailey. Bailey looks her up and down.

Bailey: What is wrong with you?

Izzie (breathless): It's Meredith.

Bailey: What about her?

Izzie: She…he left…and…

Bailey: Spit it out, Stevens.

Izzie: Derek left.

Bailey: I know. I heard.

Izzie doesn't know if she should tell Bailey or not, but figures she would find out soon enough.

Izzie: And she's pregnant.

Bailey's mouth falls agape.

Izzie: We don't know what to do. She…she's broken. She just found out today and she's broken.

Bailey: Where is she?

Izzie leads Bailey to the intern locker room. Bailey takes one glance at the broken figure sprawled out on the floor.

Bailey: Oh my ever lovin….that fool.

She looks at Izzie and Cristina. She bends down to look Meredith in the face.

Bailey: Meredith?

Nothing. Meredith doesn't even acknowledge her presence.

Bailey: Okay. We need to get her home. Gossip will be bad enough as it is.

She looks back down at Meredith.

Bailey: Meredith? Can you get up?

Meredith still doesn't acknowledge her.

Bailey looks up at Izzie.

Bailey: Go get Karev. I want you three to take the rest of the day off and watch her.

Cristina starts to stand up.

Cristina: But..

Bailey: No buts. She needs you. She needs all of you right now. I will talk to the Chief. Take care of her.

Bailey walks out of the locker room and Alex enters it. He sees the broken woman who was once so strong lying on the floor. He clenches his fists tightly, turning his knuckles white.

Alex: That ass!

Izzie: Alex! Now is not the time. We need to get her home.

Alex nods and bends down and picks up the frail woman from the cold floor. Her head falls into his chest and her arms hang down by her sides. She makes no effort to fight and no effort to hang on. Alex walks out of the locker room and the hospital attracting the stares of many as her friends take her home in an attempt to begin the healing process, which they know may never be complete.


	3. Chapter 3

They arrive back at the house and Alex walks around the car and removes Meredith from the car. Her body is limp, like a rag doll. She doesn't try to hang on, she doesn't really want to hang on. Alex carries her into the house and up into her bedroom. He places her on her bed and stands there for a moment. Meredith doesn't acknowledge that she has been moved. She doesn't acknowledge Alex. She just lies there in the position which Alex places her. She is numb on the exterior but on the inside she is fraught with pain. Alex takes one last look at her before he quietly exits the room, closing the door behind him. He is instantly met with the pleading faces of her friends.

Izzie: Well?

Cristina: Anything?

Alex just shakes his head no.

Alex: Dude, she's screwed up.

Izzie hits him in the shoulder.

Alex: Hey! What was that for?

Izzie: For being an ass.

Alex just shrugs.

Alex: I just call it like I see it.

Cristina: Shut up, Alex. Go get us some liquor.

Izzie looks at her.

Izzie: But Meredith can't drink.

Cristina: The liquor is for me. If I am going to be here all day I am going to need some liquor.

Izzie's mouth drops open in disbelief and Alex just nods. Cristina yells at him as he is opening the front door.

Cristina: Also get some strawberry ice cream, a box of Kleenex, and every kind of chocolate you see.

Alex arches his eyebrow in question.

Cristina: We have a broken person to fix. Don't question, just go!

Alex walks out the front door and Izzie and Cristina slowly open the door to Meredith's bedroom. She doesn't look up. She doesn't move. Her eyes are open but unseeing. She is staring off into space.

Cristina: Meredith?

Nothing.

Cristina: Come on Meredith, just talk to us.

Still nothing.

Cristina and Izzie leave Meredith alone. They walk downstairs and sit in the kitchen.

Cristina: I'm going to kick his ass. I swear, I will hunt down his sorry ass and castrate that sorry son of a..

Izzie: Cristina!

Cristina: What? He broke her.

Izzie: But she still loves him.

Cristina: How do you know that?

Izzie: Because if she didn't, she wouldn't be hurting this bad.

A couple of hours pass and Meredith still hasn't moved or spoken to anyone.

Izzie: We have to do something. She isn't even crying. She is just…

Cristina: Lying there, like she's dead.

Izzie: Maybe she feels dead.

Cristina: Whatever.

It is now dark outside and Meredith remains in the same condition. Cristina stands up from the table.

Cristina: That's it.

She walks up the stairs and into Meredith's room. She jumps on the bed.

Cristina: I know you are hurting or whatever, but don't let that ass break you. He isn't worth it.

Izzie is standing at the door and walks into the room. She sits down on the bed next to Meredith.

Izzie: She doesn't mean that, Meredith.

Izzie shoots Cristina a glare.

Izzie: Meredith? Look this isn't just about you anymore. You are now responsible for someone else. You haven't moved or eaten all day.

Silence.

Izzie: Look, Meredith, if you aren't going to do it for yourself, think of the little life that is now growing inside of you.

Meredith looks up at Izzie and nods silently.

Izzie: Good. Now, what do you want to eat?

Meredith just shrugs and soon her body begins to shake as sobs overtake her tiny frame. Izzie lies down on the bed and begins rubbing her back.

Izzie: It's okay. We're here for you Meredith. We aren't going anywhere.

Meredith (gasping): I…why…I…can't….breathe….I….need….love….I….Derek….Oh God…..

Meredith continues sobbing for another fifteen minutes until she is too exhausted to cry anymore. She looks at Izzie.

Meredith: I'm fine.

Izzie: I will let you get away with that for now. What do you want to eat.

Meredith rubs her stomach.

Meredith: Pizza?

Izzie: Okay. I will go and order it.

Meredith nods and Izzie leaves the room, leaving Cristina and Meredith alone. Cristina walks over to the side of the bed and places one arm over Meredith's shoulders.

Meredith: You know this constitutes hugging.

Cristina: Shut up. I'm your person.

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: Yeah. You are.

Cristina: Look, you don't have to do this alone.

Meredith: What?

Cristina: The baby. We are all going to be here for you and if you tell anyone I said that I will kill you.

Meredith just smiles, her first smile since she found out.

Meredith: Thanks.

Cristina: No problem. Now, I'm starving and slightly drunk, so let's go eat.

Meredith: Let's.

Cristina helps Meredith up off of the bed and they walk downstairs to join Izzie and Alex. Meredith looks like hell, but no one says anything. They all look at each other and make a silent pact that no matter what, Meredith will not be doing this alone. Izzie smiles and hands Meredith a cup of hot tea. Meredith grasps the cup in her hands and takes a sip.

Izzie: So, do you think I will have a little niece or a nephew?

Meredith smiles at Izzie and silently thanks Izzie for avoiding the topic of Derek. She can't do anything about the fact that he is gone, but she can try to be the best mother possible. That is what she decided during those hours up in her room. Her little baby is going to be loved.

Meredith: I'm hoping you will have a little niece, but as long as he or she is healthy…that is all that matters.

They all smile at her and know that she is still broken, but eventually she will be okay. A part of her will always be missing, but the little life that is growing inside of her will help to fill the vast void that has been created in her life by Derek's abandonment.


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith returns to work the next day with very little sleep and under the watchful eye of her friends and resident. Bailey walks in to hand out assignments.

Bailey: Okay suck ups, here are your assignments. Stevens-Pit, O'Malley-Torres, Yang-Burke, Karev-Sloan. Now GO!

Alex (under his breath): YES! No more vaginas!

Cristina: Did I just hear you admit your preference for penis?

Alex: I'm just happy to be off of the gynie squad.

Cristina: Sure.

Bailey: There are lives to save. GO!

The interns disperse, all except Meredith.

Meredith: Dr. Bailey?

Bailey looks at her.

Meredith: I didn't get an assignment.

Bailey: I know. Are you okay to work today?

Meredith: I'm fine.

Bailey looks her up and down.

Bailey: Sure you are. The Chief wants to see you and then you can work with Montgomery today. I will be watching you.

Bailey walks off and Meredith goes to meet with the Chief with a knot in her stomach.

This…this is going to suck. This is going to suck some old man ass. Why does karma always have to come back and bite me in the ass? Seriously. What did I do to piss off the solar system? Okay. I didn't know he was married until she showed up and prom…okay…prom. Maybe it is for the time that I swung that cat around in the air by its tail. There are too many cats in the world anyways. Seriously. Karma sucks. Karma can kiss my ass. Shit. That is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Meredith finally reaches the Chief's office and Patricia tells her to go ahead and go in. She knocks on the door.

Chief: Come in!

Meredith enters the Chief's office and looks at his sheepishly. He looks at her and still sees the five year old girl, only this girl is broken. He sighs.

Chief: Have a seat, Dr. Grey.

Meredith sits in a chair across from the Chief.

Meredith: Dr. Bailey said that you wanted to see me.

Chief: I heard about everything.

Meredith hands her head, fighting back tears.

Damn it, Meredith. Hold yourself together. Don't let them see you as weak. You are not weak. You are a Grey and Grey's do not break, not in public.

Meredith: I…

She gulps. She finally looks up and meets his concerned glance. She sees that he wants to take care of her and part of her wants him to take care of her. She can't hold it in anymore. The concern and sympathy in his eyes releases the dam that has been holding back her tears all morning. She begins sobbing. The Chief looks at her for a moment not really knowing what to do. She looks so broken, so sad, so alone.

He watches her for a minute before standing up and walking over to her. He sits down in the chair next to her and wraps his arm around her tiny, frail frame. She immediately collapses against his chest, spilling tears onto his pressed white dress shirt. He just runs his fingers through her hair and rubs her back in an attempt to calm her down.

The door to the Chief's office opens and in walks his wife, Adele. She sees him holding a woman but doesn't see her face.

Adele: Richard, what the hell is going on?

The Chief turns to face his wife and she sees that the woman is crying on his chest. He motions for her to come in. She walks closer and recognizes Meredith.

Adele: What is going on?

The Chief sighs.

Meredith: I…I …can't…I….I….need him…..baby….Oh God…

Meredith's sobs get heavier.

Chief: Is it okay if I fill her in, Meredith?

Meredith just nods into his shirt. The Chief turns his face to Adele who is now standing behind Meredith's chair.

Chief: Derek left yesterday and Meredith also found out that she was pregnant.

Adele gasps and her mouth falls agape.

Adele: On the same day?

The Chief nods in response. Adele kneels down in front of Meredith.

Adele: Oh you poor girl.

She looks at Richard. The Chief looks down at Meredith.

Chief: Meredith?

Meredith looks up at him with tear filled eyes.

Chief: Do you want me to call him?

Meredith vigorously shakes her head no and begins to sob even more violently.

Meredith: He…..left…..me….no…..

Chief: But maybe if he knows about the baby?

Meredith shakes her head even more vigorously.

Meredith: If…he….really loves me…he..he will come back….on his own….I need….I need for him….to come back….for me….not because….of the baby….oh God…I'm a horrible..p…p…person..

Adele: No you are not. If he comes back under any other circumstances you will always wonder if it was because of his love for you. You will tell him about the baby when you are ready.

Adele begins to soothingly caress Meredith's arm. She looks up at the Chief.

Adele: I'm sure you have work to do. I will stay here with her.

The Chief looks between the two of them. His wife looking after his ex-mistresses daught…hrmm..

Adele: Richard, it will be fine. I was always fond of Meredith.

Richard nods and stands up. Adele takes his seat and immediately begins to soothe Meredith. He stands there and watches her for a minute. His wife really is an amazing woman and Meredith, well, Meredith is the daughter he never had. Richard walks out of his office. He doesn't know what he is going to do. He can't tell Derek is Meredith doesn't want him to. Derek has a right to know, but it isn't his place to tell him. Derek is like the son he never had. He knows that Derek loves Meredith. Stupid kids. He runs into Bailey in the hallway.

Chief: Dr. Bailey.

Bailey: Chief. How is Grey?

Chief: Not good. She is in my office right now…with my wife. I think she needs a couple of days off.

Bailey: I tried to tell her that. Fool wouldn't listen.

The Chief chuckles.

Chief: Interns.

Bailey: Interns and Attendings.

They both go their separate ways, both worried about the strong woman that is now broken.

(Back in the Chief's office)

Adele: Just let it all out.

Meredith: I'm…sorry…so sorry.

Adele: What do you have to be sorry for?

Meredith: My mother. I'm sorry.

Adele: Now don't you apologize for that. That is not your fault. You are nothing like your mother in that area. You are going to be a brilliant and amazing doctor. But more importantly, you are a strong woman, Meredith. You can do this. You won't be alone. Richard and I will always be here to help you.

Meredith looks up at the woman and sees nothing but sympathy in her eyes.

Meredith: Why are you being so nice to me?

Adele: I used to watch you when you were little. I know Richard sees you like a daughter, and well, so do I. I know your mother is sick. I just want you to know that we will be here for you if you need anything.

Meredith wipes the tears from her face and looks at her.

Meredith: Thank you.

Adele: You're welcome, dear.

They sit there for a moment.

Adele: What do you say we get out of here and have a girls' day? Just the two of us?

Meredith smiles at her.

Meredith: I would like that.

Adele stands up.

Adele: Okay then. Let's go.

Meredith follows Adele out of the hospital. She realizes that she is surrounded by people that genuinely care about her. She probably has more people that care about her now than she has ever had, but she has never felt more alone in her life. She needs him. She wants him. She loves him. But she needs him to come back on his own. She needs to know that his love for her is too much for him to abandon her and leave her alone. She decides that she can't show anyone she is weak anymore. She is going to put on a façade of content and pretend that everything is okay. Maybe eventually this façade will blend with reality and she will forget how miserable and lonely she really is. She sure as hell hopes so. Karma is such a freaking bitch.

Meredith really enjoys her time with Adele. She can't say she is happy, but the pain is more bearable. Maybe this is how is will always be, bearable. She never got to do these kind of things with her mother. It is a nice change, but she won't enjoy it on a regular basis. Nope. Not her.


	5. Chapter 5

She walks into the front door and is immediately met by the concerned face of Izzie. She has a plate of her famous cupcakes in her hands.

Izzie: Are you okay? I was worried. I bake when I'm worried. Cupcake?

Meredith feigns a smile at her.

Meredith: I'm fine. I just want a hot bath and then I just want to go to bed.

Meredith begins walking up the stairs.

Izzie: But…it's only 6:30!

Meredith ignores Izzie and walks into her bedroom and locks the door. She then goes into her private bath and begins to run water into the old-fashioned clawed-foot bathtub. She pours in some bubbles and bath salts. She needs extra relaxing tonight. She turns off her phone before she slowly sinks down into the hot water.

She feels the water mixed with the scent from the water begin to work out the tension in her muscles. As her body relaxes everything comes rushing back to her head on. She wills herself not to cry. Not again. But she can't help it. A few tears escape from her tired eyes and she quickly wipes them away. She slowly submerges herself under the water, attempting to wash away all her pain and all her fears. She holds her breath for as long as possible, wishing that she could stay under forever. She doesn't want to confront the world, not without him by her side.

Finally, she comes up for air. She gasps for a few moments before her breathing returns to normal. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. She has to keep breathing, not for herself, but for her, their, unborn child. At least she will always have a piece of him. He will never be completely gone. He will always be in her heart and he will be in the child that their love created together. She sighs and leans back in the tub. For the first time since she read his letter, she feels like she can breathe. She places her hand on her stomach. She is only three weeks pregnant, but she feels closer to the life growing inside of her than she does to any of those who surround her.

She is woken from her reverie by someone knocking on her bedroom door. She ignores it. They try the doorknob and find that the door is locked.

Izzie: Meredith?

Silence.

Izzie: Meredith?? Are you okay?

Silence.

Cristina: Meredith, if you don't get your ass out of bed and answer this damn door, I will break it down. Now, open this damn door.

Meredith (in a frustrated tone): Hold on. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Meredith reluctantly gets out of the tub of now chilled water and wraps herself in a bathrobe. They knock again.

Cristina: Seriously, Meredith. You have until the count of five.

Just as Cristina begins counting Meredith whips the door open, a less than pleased look on her face. Cristina marches into her bedroom without an invitation.

Cristina: About damn time. I really didn't want to have to break the door down.

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: What do you want?

Izzie walks in and hands Meredith a tub of Strawberry ice cream and a spoon. Cristina lies down on the bed and begins flipping through a magazine. George walks in and dumps about two dozen different kinds of candy bars on her bed. She looks at all of the junk around her. She looks at them, raising her eyebrows in question.

Cristina: We know you are broken. We get that. We get that we can't really fix you because you have to do that yourself. We can't make you talk. But you are not alone. We don't have to talk. We are just here. We are always going to be here, so get used to it. Eat your damn ice cream and candy bars and be all hormonal. At least now you can blame it on the estrogen.

Meredith looks up at Cristina, shocked at her speech. Izzie is also a little shocked. Izzie sits down in a chair next to the bed and begins to study for a surgery she has tomorrow. Meredith then opens the ice creams and sits back on the pillows and begins to eat her ice cream in silence. Bearable. Right now the pain is bearable.

Meredith took a few days off before returning back to work. The pain wasn't any better. In fact, she had become numb from the constant torment of the pain. She didn't mention Derek and neither did anyone else. They all knew better. She focused on her job and her unborn child. She took care of herself only because she needed to take care of her baby. Her friends kept a watchful eye on her. They knew that she was putting on a façade, but no one pushed the issue. They all know Meredith and they know that she is an avoider. You push her, she pushes back.

It is now four months since the day he left, since the day she found out she was pregnant with his child….since the day her entire world came crashing down.

She rolls over to his the snooze button on her alarm.

Great. Just great. Another freaking dream about McDreamy…more like McAss. Why can't he just go away and leave me alone? Oh wait, he did. Ass. I should have known better than to give my heart to someone else. All of the people I have ever loved have left me, with the exception of my new family of interns. They can't really leave though. Their careers would be over if they walked out of the program. I know sure as hell it's not me. Hell, people don't stay because of me, they leave because of me.

Meredith's hand instinctively comes to rest on her growing stomach. Her stomach is larger than what is expected at five months. She is going today to have an ultrasound to found out why. She had one before but refused to know anything other than if the baby was healthy. Today she is going to find out the sex. She decided that she wants to know. What makes her situation even more ironic is the fact that her doctor, her doctor is his ex-wife. Talk about irony. Talk about karma biting you in the ass.

Her sound of her alarm recalls her back to the task at hand—getting out of bed. Before Meredith can reach over and hit the snooze button again, someone knocks at her door.

Meredith: What?

Izzie opens the door and walks in. She has her customary cup of tea in hand as well as a cup for Meredith. She sits it down on the end table and sits down on the side of the bed.

Izzie: So are you excited? Do you want me to go with you? Oh, we should go shopping soon. Do you want to go shopping soon?

Meredith: Izzie!

Izzie: What?

Meredith: It is too early to talk so fast or to be so happy.

Izzie: I'm generally a morning person. Can't help it. You should really get ready.

Meredith: I know I know. I'm up.

Meredith reluctantly gets out of bed and gets ready for work. They arrive at the hospital and she separates from the others to go to her appointment with Addison. She sees Addison standing at the nurses' station waiting for her.

Meredith: Hello, Addison.

Addison: Hello, Meredith. How are you doing today?

Meredith: I'm fine. Are you sure this is okay?

Addison: Yes. I am sure. I am the best and you should have the best.

Meredith smiles at her. Addison was shocked when Derek left but Mark had come back to Seattle and him and Addison were now together. Meredith had made both of them promise to keep their mouths shut about the pregnancy and they had reluctantly complied. Mark had actually tried to call Derek a few times but Derek had ignored his calls. Meredith and Addison go into the exam room. Meredith had gone to a different doctor for her previous appointments because she was worried about the awkwardness of the situation. It was Addison who suggested that Meredith switch to her. They had become friends since he left because Meredith is hanging on to anything that reminds her of Derek. She doesn't consciously do so, but she finds comfort in things that remind her of him. She still loves him and everyone sees that. They see the pain that has become a permanent fixture in her eyes.

Addison: Okay, Meredith, you know the drill. This is going to be cold.

Addison squirts the jell onto Meredith stomach.

Addison: You are big for five months.

Meredith: Thanks for that.

Addison: Oh, I don't mean you. Your frame is still tiny. It's just your stomach is bigger than what I usually see at five months.

Addison moves the wand over Meredith's stomach until she finds what she is looking for.

Addison: Okay, there is the heartbeat.

Addison gasps and gets a shocked look on her face. Meredith begins to panic.

Meredith: What is it?! Addison, what's wrong?

Addison: Nothing is wrong. Meredith, you are having twins.

Meredith's eyes grow wide in shock. That shock soon turns to fear as she thinks about raising two children…alone.

Meredith: Wh…wh….what?

Addison: Twins. You are having twins. Would you like to know the sexes?

Meredith just nods, still in shock.

Addison: It looks like one boy and one girl.

Meredith: Okay. Thanks.

Addison looks at Meredith and sees the panic and fear in her eyes.

Addison: Are you okay?

Meredith: I'm fine. I'm fine.

Addison: Okay. Well, you are going to need to take it easy. I would suggest that at six months you cut back your hours to no more than 60 hours per week. Also, be sure to take a break when you need to and drink plenty of fluids.

Meredith: Okay.

Addison: Meredith, look at me.

Meredith looks at her.

Addison: You can do this. If you need anything, anything at all, just give me a call. I am here for you. We are all here for you.

Meredith: Thanks, Addison.

Addison: No problem. Oh, and Meredith, I will be talking to Bailey and the Chief. We will be watching you. So, take it easy.

Meredith just nods.

Addison: Okay. I will see you again in two week.

Meredith: Thank you.

Meredith walks out of the exam room and down the hall. Her eyes are beginning to tear up and she doesn't know if she can keep herself from crying. Alex spots her and walks up to her.

Alex: Hey, are you okay?

Meredith just keeps on walking. Alex begins to follow her. She pushes the button on the elevator and gets in quickly when it arrives. Alex steps in next to her. They are alone on the elevator. As soon as the doors close Meredith begins to sink to the floor, her emotions taking over. Alex catches her before she hits the ground and he slowly slides down the back of the elevator onto the floor, cradling her in his arms. She begins sobbing into his scrub top. He begins to rub small circles on her back.

Alex: Shhh….it's okay…breathe…it will be okay…

Meredith: No….no….no….it's not….

Meredith's sobs get louder and her tears pour forth quicker.

Alex: What's wrong?

Meredith: I'm…..I'm…pregnant…

Alex: I know that.

Meredith: With….twins!

Alex gasps and his mouth falls agape. He continues to rub her back. The elevator doors open, but he doesn't move. People look at him and two familiar faces recognize the form he is holding in his arms.

Burke: What the hell did you do, Karev?

Alex: Nothing, sir. She just found out some news.

Bailey: Well, what is it?

Alex: It's really not my place to say.

Meredith (in between sobs): Twins!!

Bailey gasps.

Burke: Wow.

Bailey: Okay, okay. We need to get her somewhere private. Maybe she should go home.

Meredith begins to shake her head vigorously.

Meredith: No! I will be fine…just…need….a minute…

Alex helps Meredith to stand up and all four of them step off of the elevator. Bailey looks at Burke.

Bailey: Don't you have a surgery to get to?

Burke: Yes, but I want to make sure she is okay. She is my fiancé's person.

Bailey: She will be fine. I've got it. Go save a life.

Burke doesn't argue but gets back on the elevator. Bailey, Alex, and Meredith manage to make it to the locker room without any of the other interns noticing anything. Meredith turns to them at the door.

Meredith: I am fine. I just need a few minutes to accept the idea that not only do I have to raise one child by myself, but two children by myself. I just…I just need a few minutes. I will come find you, Dr. Bailey, as soon as I am changed.

Meredith doesn't wait for Bailey to respond but walks into the locker room alone. They don't follow her. They have learned over the past months not to push her too hard. She sits down on a bench in front of her locker. She removes the sonogram pictures that Addison printed out for her and stares at them for a moment. She traces the tiny images with her finger. She loves them already. She knows that. She places the pictures of her babies, her daughter and her son, back in her purse. He puts her head in her hands and begins to cry again.

She can't do this. She can't raise two children alone. She stares at her cellphone. She refuses to call him. She thinks about it, she thinks about it all the time, but she can't do it. She just wants to hear his voice. His voice has a way of soothing her. He has a calming voice, even when he is angry. Every time she heard his voice it travelled to the marrow of her bones and vibrated throughout her entire being. It had the power to send chills down her spine at the tiniest whisper. Oh God, she misses him. She wants her children to hear the sound of his voice. She needs him. They need him.

She should call him. She knows this. She should call him not for herself, but for her children. But she can't. He left her. He didn't need her the way she needed him. She doesn't want him to be with her just because she was having his children. She will call him eventually. Eventually. But not now.

She stands up and quickly changes into her scrubs. She rubs her stomach gently and lovingly.

Meredith (to her stomach): Mommy loves you guys and your daddy does too, he just doesn't know it yet. Now, it's time to get to work.

Meredith quickly switches into work mode and walks out of the locker room. She pushes the pain deep down inside which makes it bearable to live. She doesn't want it to be easy to live, not without him. He makes like enjoyable and until he is back in her life, her life with all of her pain will be bearable. It will be bearable because until they are reunited, she is not whole.


	6. Chapter 6

Derek runs his hand through his hair for the hundredth time that day. He is sitting behind his desk at New York General Hospital. He doesn't feel whole. He doesn't feel complete. He doesn't feel happy. He feels empty. He feels empty and alone. But the pain he is feeling is better than causing her anymore pain. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, he loves her too much. Today it is five months. Five months since he left her a note in her locker telling her he was walking away. Five months since he left her. Five months since he had left his home, his land, his love, his life. His love was his life. He knows now that he always loved her. He didn't always realize it, but he always loved her.

He leans back in his chair and runs his hand over his tired face. Since he had left Seattle, he had devoted himself completely to his work. He saw his family once a week for dinner, but only to maintain some sort of humanity. They all saw his complete devastation, but no one knew what is was from or how to fix. No one but the youngest of his sisters. He had kept in contact with her more than anyone else once he had moved to Seattle. She knew all about Meredith.

God, he misses her. He misses her infectious giggle. It is a rare occurrence, but it sounds like music to the ears. Leaning back in his chair he can almost hear it now. A slight smile curls the ends of his mouth. The only times he ever smiles are when he thinks of her. Some moment they shared in the hall or the OR. The way her small hands felt when they ran over his body, exploring and feeling every muscle underneath their soft skin. He misses her touch. His body shivers slightly at just the thought of it. Just the memory. He misses running his fingers through her long, soft tendrils. The way those silky waves felt spread across his body as her head lay on his chest after making love, or the way they tickled his chest as she rode him. The scent of her hair. The scent of her hair seemed to enter into his bloodstream and infect his entire being every time he was near her, or even after he entered a room just after she had left. God, she smelled amazing. He misses waking up with his face buried in her hair. He misses breathing her in. He could be having a horrible day or be completely stressed and breathing her in, breathing her in seemed to relax every muscle in his body. She is like a drug like that for him. She has so much power over him. She is his goddess, was his goddess.

He sighs and leans forward, placing his head in his hands. He misses her. He misses her so damn much. He misses the way she would run her fingernails up his mind while they were having sex, sending chills down his spine. He misses the way she would trail kisses along his jawline and chin in the morning to wake him up. He misses the way that she would caress his abdomen and run her finger under the waistband of his boxers in the middle of the night if she was trying to wake him up for sex. He misses her tiny ineffectual fists and her habit of rambling and fidgeting with her watch when she is nervous. He misses the way she bites on her bottom lip if she is trying to resist temptation, usually sexual temptation. He misses getting lost in the green seas of her eyes and the silent conversations they had just with their eyes.

Suddenly, he can't take it anymore and his emotions overwhelm him. His shoulders begin shaking as sobs overtake him. He feels like shit. He feels alone. He feels cold. He feels incomplete. He doesn't want a future without her. He wants her to be her husband, the father of her children, the love of her life. He just can't hurt her anymore. He has already hurt her enough. Enough is enough. Tears are still falling from his eyes when his thoughts are interrupted by his cellphone. He looks at the screen: MARK. Why the hell is Mark calling him again? Didn't he get the point when he didn't answer or return any of his calls over the past four months? Derek's grief and pain turns to anger as he answers the phone.

Derek (in a harsh tone): What?

Mark: Is that the way you always answer the phone?

Derek: Did you call just to critique my phone etiquette?

Mark: No. I need to talk to you.

Derek: Well, I have nothing to say to you.

Mark: Just hear me out, man.

Derek: I don't think so. Stop calling me. I would hate to have to change my number.

Mark: Fine. But at least I can say I tried.

Derek: I see. Motivated by purely selfish reasons. Nice to know the egotistical Mark hasn't changed a bit.

Mark: Whatever, man. I was trying to do both you and Meredith a favor. Your choice.

Derek's body tenses at hearing her name. He hasn't heard her name in five months. The pain is too much. He hangs up the phone and begins sobbing again. It's better this way. She is better off without him. His marriage with Addison failed miserably, and he couldn't let that happen again. He loved Meredith in a way he never knew possible and for that reason he walked away. He walked away because he was so scared of hurting her. He didn't tell her this. He told her he was offered a job that he couldn't refuse. He thought it would be too cruel to confess his undying love to her before moving across the country. He did say he loved her in the letter. He didn't tell her where the job was. He was just doing the best thing, saving her from any future pain that he might have caused.

Why the hell was Mark calling him? He mentioned Meredith, but Derek really wasn't paying attention. Whatever. He can't go back. Not now. If he goes back now she will only be hurt again. God, he misses her. The pain never stops. It just becomes bearable. Bearable enough to make it through the day. Surgeries help him as well. Saving lives help, if only he could save his own.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

His pager interrupts his thoughts and he stands up to go answer it. Another day at New York General, another day pretending to be okay when in reality, he was dying just a little more every day.

**This is short...I know...but it is just to show a snapshot of Derek and the pain that he is going through being apart from Meredith...**

**-marci**


	7. Chapter 7

Somehow Meredith managed to make it through the first half of her day and is now sitting at lunch with her friends. She is off in her own little world. She doesn't know how she is going to take care of two babies by herself. She misses him. She misses him so much. She is snapped out of her reverie by someone shouting her name.

Izzie: MEREDITH!

She jerks her head around.

Meredith: Huh? What?

Izzie: Are you okay? You looked like you were in your own little world.

Meredith: I'm fine.

Izzie: Okay. So, how was your doctor's appointment today?

Meredith sighs. She might as well tell them. She rubs her stomach. She is happy about being a parent. She is just scared. She is just alone. She wants him.

Meredith: Well, I'm having a girl…

Before Meredith can finish her sentence Izzie jumps up and starts clapping.

Izzie: Yayaya!

Cristina: Calm down, Barbie.

Izzie sits back down and looks at Meredith.

Meredith: And a boy.

Izzie's mouth drops open and Cristina spits out the water that she is drinking.

Izzie: Twins??

Meredith just nods and lets her head fall forward into her hands.

Meredith: I….I….

Cristina sees the distress in her person and decides to do something completely out of character. She cringes just thinking about it.

Cristina: I say that we move Barbie here this weekend to the spare room down the hall and then we can go shopping to set up the nursery in the room next to yours.

The mouths of everyone at the table fall agape as they all look at Cristina in shock. Meredith lifts her head from her hands and tilts her head to the side.

Meredith: Seriously?

Cristina: Seriously. You better accept the offer before I change my mind.

Meredith smiles warmly at her person.

Meredith: That sounds great.

Izzie: I'm so excited!

Meredith: Thank you guys. I really wouldn't be able to get through this without you.

Cristina: No need to get all sentimental. You are our friend. This is what friends do.

Meredith just nods, knowing better than to push the issue.

Izzie: When are we going to do this?

Meredith shrugs.

Meredith: I can probably get the whole weekend off.

Izzie: Yeah, I'm off on Saturday and Sunday.

Cristina: Me too.

Cristina looks at Alex and George.

Alex: Look, I'm her friend but there is no way that I am going shopping for baby crap.

Cristina: We don't want you to go shopping. We want you to help move stuff and help set up the nursery.

Alex: Oh. Well, I have to work all weekend, but I can come over after I get off and help move.

George: Yeah, me too.

Just then Meredith's pager begins to go off. She looks down at it.

Meredith: Gotta go.

Everyone: See ya.

Meredith just waves as she leaves the cafeteria.

Cristina begins to stand up and go prep a patient for surgery, but Izzie's voice stops her.

Izzie: She's not okay.

Cristina: I know. But she will be.

Cristina walks away from intern table and continues with her work.

(scene switches to Meredith)

Meredith walks quickly down the hall and up to the Chief's office. He had paged her. She sees Patricia sitting there and she motions for her to enter.

Meredith knocks lightly on the Chief's door.

Chief: Come in!

Meredith opens the door and walks in to the Chief's office. He motions for her to sit and she does so.

Chief: So, how was your doctor's appointment today.

Meredith sighs. She has to tell him. He will find out eventually.

Meredith: It was fine.

Chief: So, did you find out the sex.

Meredith: Yes. A boy and a girl.

Chief: A boy and a girl? You're having twins?

Meredith: Yes, sir.

The Chief's eyes are wide with shock. He runs his hand over his beard.

Chief: You know, I could call..

Meredith interrupts him.

Meredith: No! I don't…no.

Chief: Okay then…but I want you taking it easy. I'm going to cut you back on your hours…

Meredith: But..

Chief: No…no buts…no more than 60 hours per week. If you are tired or need anything talk to either me or Bailey. You have to take care of yourself, Meredith.

Meredith: I know, sir.

Chief: Okay. That's all.

Meredith stands and prepares to leave his office.

Chief: Remember Meredith, if you need anything, anything at all..

Meredith: I know. Thank you.

Meredith leaves the Chief's office and walks to the nurses' station on the surgical floor. She is working on a patient's chart, trying to push her pain and misery into her subconscious, when a voice calls out her name.

Voice: How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?

Meredith turns around at the sound of the familiar voice and smiles up at the tall figure.

Meredith: I am fine, Dr. Sloan.

Mark: Have you called him yet?

Meredith tenses at this and shuts the chart abruptly.

Meredith: I have to go.

Mark: Addison told me, Meredith.

Meredith raises her eyebrow.

Meredith: It doesn't change anything.

Mark: He deserves to know.

Meredith feels the tears begin to form in her eyes. She knows. She knows that he deserves to know, but she is too damn hurt to pay him that courtesy right now.

Meredith (in a whisper): I know…but…I can't…not yet..

Mark: You have been saying that for four months now..

Meredith (louder, tears now streaming down her face): I know that!! But it still hurts!! It still hurts like hell Mark!! I can't! I just can't!!

Mark reaches out to embrace her but Meredith turns quickly on her heel and runs away. She runs. She runs until she reaches the intern locker room. Her shift isn't over yet, but she doesn't care. Not right now. She gets her bag out of her locker and doesn't even bother to change out of her scrubs. She runs out of the lockers room, out of the hospital, away from her friends, to her vehicle. She gets in her vehicle and begins to drive.

It begins to rain outside as Meredith's tears continues to cascade down her flushed cheeks. She doesn't know where she is going. She just needs to drive. She continues to drive until she finds herself turning down a familiar dirt road that leads to a familiar trailer. The trailer where they consecrated their official relationship. The trailer where she felt at home in his arms. The trailer where for the first time in her entire life she find herself thinking about having a family with the love of her life.

She had found herself at this trailer several times before. She came here a week after he had left. She came here again after she went to her doctor's appointment for her three month checkup. The last time she came here was two weeks ago. She just needed to smell him. To be surrounded by his scent. Cristina knew that she came here sometimes, but no one else knew. She didn't want anyone else to know.

She parks in front of the trailer, in the same spot where he used to park, and she numbly gets out of her vehicle. She stands there for a moment and lets the rain fall on her numb body, mixing with her tears. She wants to wake up from the nightmare that has become her life. She misses him. She needs him. She loves the lives that are growing inside of her, but she doesn't believe that she can do this on her own.

She slowly makes her way to the trailer and unlocks the door with the key he had given her. She steps into the place that he once called home and immediately begins to sob. She slowly makes her way back to the bedroom, dragging her hand along the wall in an attempt to get as close to him as possible. She collapses on the bed and climbs up to the pillows. She inhales deeply, hoping to breathe in any remainder of the scent of him that remains. Upon exhaling, the sobs become more intense. Her body shakes and the pain, the pain is unbearable. She rakes her fingernails roughly across her skin as she searches her soul for reasons.

Meredith (sobbing): Why…why……why me…..oh God….Derek…..I…..I…miss you…..I need…you….why….why…why….

Meredith buries her face deeper in the pillow and digs her nails deeper into her skin, drawing blood this time. She doesn't care. Her emotional pain is too deep and too intense for her to even notice the physical pain. She wishes that she felt physical pain. Physical pain can be diagnosed and treated. No one can treat the emotional pain that she is suffering. No one but him. Her cellphone and her pager go off numerous times, but she doesn't hear them.

His scent…the scent that she is trying so hard to find…his scent is gone. Time has finally carried it away and Meredith finds herself breaking all over again. The pillow underneath her head is now soaked with her tears and the pillow that she is hugging is now covered in the blood from the numerous gashes she has made and continues to make in her skin. She doesn't know how long she has been lying there. She doesn't notice the headlights that appear through the window or the sound of the car pulling into the drive. She continues to sob. She continues to mourn for her lost love. She continues to claw at her skin, seeing it as a barrier between their souls. She continues to feel the constant breaking of her heart as the emotional pain that was once bearable has become too much. She doesn't look up when the door to the trailer is thrown open and she doesn't acknowledge the voice that is shouting at her. She doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything right now. She doesn't care because she can't. She can't care about anything because the thing…the person…that she cares about the most is gone. He is gone and she is completely helpless and in too much pain. In this moment, in this moment before she acknowledges the person in the trailer who is desperately trying to get her attention, she wishes that she could die. Because then, then she wouldn't be in so much damn pain.


	8. Chapter 8

Voice: Meredith!  
The voice vaguely makes its way to Meredith's ears. She looks up at the small figure standing at the end of the bed. It is then that the figrue notices the blood on the pillow. She quickly climbs onto the bed.  
Voice: Oh my God, Meredith, are you okay?  
For the first time in hours, Meredith finds her voice. Her throat is dry and her voice comes out cracked. It hurts her to even speak.  
Meredith (in a dull tone): I'm fine.  
Voice: Bullshit.  
Meredith: Cristina, I'm fine.  
Cristina: Bullshit. Get up.  
Meredith doesn't reply. She just continues to stare straight ahead. Cristina checks the self-inflicted wounds on Meredith's arms and sees that they are superficial. Meredith begins to sob again, but her tears are all gone. She starts to have trouble breathing.  
Cristina: It's okay Meredith. Just breathe.  
Meredith: I...can't...I...can't breath...he's...he's gone...he's really gone...  
Cristina: He's been gone for four months, Meredith.  
Meredith: But...his scent...it's gone...and...he's gone...and I...I can't...I can't...do this...I need...I need him...Oh God...I..  
Meredith's breathing becomes more strained. Cristina gets up off of the bed.  
Cristina: I will be right back.  
Meredith doesn't acknowledge Cristina. Cristina walks outside and motions for the person sitting in the car to come in. She walks back in and stands at the foot of the bed. Burke walks in and stands behind her. He sees Meredith curled up with one of his pillows on the bed. He sees the blood on the pillow and he hears her sobs and labored breathing.  
Burke: Is she okay?  
Cristina: No. No she's not. We need to take her to the hospital. She is having trouble breathing.  
Burke: What about all the blood?  
Cristina: They are superficial wounds. It looks like she scratched herself.  
Burke moves to the bed and he lifts Meredith up off of the bed. She whimpers as she places her arms around his neck.  
Burke: It's okay, Meredith.  
Meredith: No. It's not. He...he's gone...he left me...I'm...I'm all alone..  
Cristina: No you're not. Burke take her to her car and put her in the passenger seat. I will drive her to the hospital.  
Burke: I will follow you.  
Cristina: You don't have to.  
Burke: But I want to.  
Cristina: Whatever.  
Burke: Should we clean up?  
Cristina: No. Leave it.  
Burke doesn't argue. Cristina grabs Meredith's purse and locks the door to the trailer. Burke places Meredith in the passenger seat of her car and he follows Cristina to the hospital. He carries Meredith in and is immediately met by Bailey. Bailey looks at Cristina.  
Bailey: So, you found her?  
Cristina: Yeah.  
Bailey: How is she?  
Cristina looks around and then down at the floor. This is a side of Cristina that no one has seen before. Burke looks at her amazed. She is hurting. She is showing her hurt and pain and something else. She is hurting for her person, not for herself.  
Cristina: I don't know.  
Bailey just nods and follows Burke into an exam room. Burke lays Meredith down on the bed. He immediately grabs an oxygen mask and places it over her face.  
Bailey: She's still in her scrubs.  
Bailey then notices that her left arm is caked in blood.  
Bailey: What happened?  
Cristina: I'm not sure. I think she scratched herself.  
Bailey: Seriously?  
Cristina just shrugs and sinks down in a nearby chair. She doesn't know the answers. Her best friend is falling apart and she doesn't have the answers. She feels the tears begin to well up in her eyes and fights to keep them from falling.  
Bailey begins to slowly wash Meredith's arm. She sees that all of the wounds are superficial. She sees her broken intern in front of her. She doesn't know how she let it get this bad. The Chief had told Bailey that Meredith is having twins. That might have something to do with this. She looks at Meredith. Her eyes are glossed over and she has a far away look. Her breathing is finally starting to regulate as she inhales the artificial oxygen. What she doesn't know is that without Derek, all oxygen is artificial to Meredith. She puts some medicine on Meredith's arm and she wraps it in gauze to prevent her from hurting it any further.  
Bailey slowly stands up and walks out of the room. She meets the Chief outside of her room.  
Chief: How is she?  
Bailey shakes her head.  
Bailey: Physically, she's fine. Emotionally, she's completely shattered. I thought she would be better by now. I think today was a blow for her.  
Chief: Yeah. She will be...fine. I hope. Tell her to take a week off. More if she needs it.  
Bailey: Yes, Chief.  
Chief: Also, make sure one of the others is with her at all times. I don't want her to be alone right now.  
Bailey: Yes,sir.  
The Chief walks away and Bailey goes back into the room to relay the Chief's orders.  
(Meanwhile, from Meredith's point of view)  
He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Oh God, he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. I need to smell him. I need to feel him. Oh God, I need him. Burke smells nice, but he's not Derek. He does not smell like Derek. I need Derek. I love Derek. Why can't I hate him? Please, let me hate him. This would be so much easier if I hated him. But I love him so much. I can't hate him. Oh God. I need him. I miss him. Cristina and Burke have each other. They are happy together. They love each other. I need him. Oh God. We are having a song and a daughter. We, as in Derek and I. Together. But not together, because he's not here. And I am. Alone.  
Why did he have to leave me here alone? It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe without him. I don't want to breathe without him. I don't want to live without him. I have to. I have to live without him. I have to live for our children. I have to give our children the best possible lives. I should probably call Derek and tell him that he is going to be a father, but I can't. What is he doesn't come back? What if he doesn come back but he still doesn't want me? Oh God. I am going to be a spinster in old age with a bunch of dogs. Not cats. I hate cats.  
Why did Bailey wrap my arm in gauze? They are just scratches. She thinks I am going to hurt myself again. I can't keep doing this to myself again. I am even hurting Cristina. I don't know if I have ever seen her look defeated. It looks like I am infecting all of the happy people with my sadness. Maybe it is a good thing that Derek left me. I am like a disease. I would hate to infect him. I will just have to pretend to be happy. I will just have to pretend to be fine. Because I will never really be those things. Not while Derek is gone. I need him so much. God, I miss him. Stop it, Meredith. You have to pretend. You have to pretend that things are okay.  
Here comes Bailey. I will just act like things are okay.  
Bailey: So, you have the next week off. Take it easy. If you need anything just call.  
Meredith: Thank you Dr. Bailey.  
Everyone looks at her in shock. This is the first time that she has spoken in about the last hour.  
Bailey; You're welcome. If you hurt yourself again, I will have you admitted to psych. This is just a warning. I will be watching you, Grey, and I will have others watch you as well. You have two little ones to worry about. So, if you have to, think about them. Stop worrying about your problems and focus on begin there for them.  
Meredith: You're right, Dr. Bailey.  
Bailey: Of course I'm right. I'm always right.  
Bailey leaves Meredith alone with Cristina and Burke.  
Meredith: So, I was thinking that tomorrow we could go shopping for things for the nursery. I really want to get started on it.  
Cristina's mouth drops in surprise.  
Cristina: Sure. Sounds great. Doesn't it Burke?  
She elbows Burke in the ribs.  
Burke: Ow! Yeah, sounds great. Just tell me what you need me to do.  
Meredith: Well, maybe we can get the guys to move Izzie tomorrow while we are shopping. Then, we will probably need help putting the crib together and also with the heavy stuff.  
Burke: Okay. I will clear my schedule for tomorrow. I'm sure it will be okay with the Chief.  
Meredith: Thank you guys.  
Cristina: Yeah, no problem.  
Meredith: I'm ready to go home now.  
Cristina: Okay, I will drive you.  
Meredith: I think I can drive myself.  
Cristina (in a stern voice): I will drive you and Burke will follow.  
Meredith (with a sigh): Okay. Let's go then.

Meredith follows Cristina and Burke out of the hospital. She places her hands on her stomach and starts to think about her children. If she is going to get through these next months without Derek, she needs to focus on them. They are a part of him. So, the love she is unable to give to him, she will give to them. She is going to turn all of her grief into love towards her babies. Her babies. Her daughter and her son. She is going to focus all of her energy on being a great mother. She loves Derek Shepherd. She loves Derek Shepherd with all of her heart. She is going to be the mother of his children and she is going to take great care of those children. She is going to love those children with everything she has because that is how she loves Derek. This is her new way to make the pain bearable, because if the pain isn't bearable, life isn't bearable and the two lives who rely upon her need for life to be bearable. Bearable. She would settle for bearable because that is the best that she can do.

**So sorry that this took so long. I had to find the file on my computer and then conver it into a different format because I removed the program I originally wrote it on. Blah. I will post more tomorrow. **

**-Marci**


	9. Chapter 9

Meredith is now almost eight months pregnant and on bed rest. She hasn't returned to the trailer since that night. She tries not to think about him and no one even dares to mention him around her. She has tried to call him, but she can't. She is too scared. Everyone helped her decorate the nursery. It is decorated in ferryboats and stars. The furniture is all mahogany and the colors are mainly indigo blue, bright yellow, and silver. She made sure that there was some part of Derek in this room.  
Her stomach...well, her stomach is huge. She gets up at all hours of the night to go to the bathroom because one of them is always kicking her bladder. They are her reason to live right now. They have gotten her through the last three months. They cause her to think about the future instead of dwelling on the past. Their future...not hers. She doesn't like to think about her future too much...not unless it's in relation to her children. She still often wonders how she is going to take care of two newborn babies. She knows that everyone is going to be there. Well, not everyone. He's not. She feels the tears start to well up in her eyes and she decides to quickly focus her attention on something else.  
She looks down at the blanket she is attempting to knit. It is indigo blue. For her son. She is also knitting a silver blanket for her daughter. It keeps her occupied while her roommates are at work. She is also watching television, but her attention is focused mainly on her knitting.  
She stands up and heads to the kitchen. She stubs her toe on one of George's shoes.  
Meredith: Damn it! Damn it, George.  
She bends dow to pick up the shoe, but she can't. Her large belly prevents her. She feels the tears begin to run down her face. She picks up the phone and dials George's number.  
(The cell phone conversation)  
George: Hello?  
Meredith: Damn it, George, why do you have to leave your damn shoes lying everywhere?  
George: Are you okay, Meredith?  
Meredith: No, I'm not okay. I stubbed my damn toe on your damn shoe!  
George begins to feel flustered.  
George: I...I...I'm sorry.  
Meredith: That doesn't help my toe, does it George?  
George: No...I..  
Meredith: No. It doesn't. I can't even bend down to pick the damn shoe up. You know why George?  
George knows why but is too scared to say it.  
Meredith: Because of my big fat belly. I am a fat whale who can't even pick up a shoe off of the floor!  
Meredith is now crying hysterically.  
Meredith: I am big, fat, and ugly and nobody wants me. I am horny, George. I am horny and I can't have sex because I don't have anyone to have sex with. The asshole who knocked me up, with twins nonetheless, well who knows where the hell that prick is...I need for you to pick up after yourself George, because I can't be your mother too. Damn it!  
Meredith hangs up on George and George continues to stare at the phone, dumbstruck. Izzie notices the look on George's face.  
Izzie: Meredith?  
George just nods.  
Izzie: Give her a break. She has been on bed rest for a week. She is going crazy.  
George: Yeah.  
(Scene switches back to Meredith)  
Meredith waddles into the kitchen. She's looking through the cabinets when she feels a pain in her abdomen. She grabs her stomach in pain.  
Meredith: No. It's too early. No.  
Meredith continues to search through the cabinets for food. She finds some crackers and sits down at the bar. She nibbles on the crackers and drinks some juice, hoping that she doesn't have another contraction.  
It has now been ten minutes since her first pain and Meredith is beginning to think that she is in the clear. She starts walking towards the living room when she feels another contraction.  
Meredith: Shit!  
Meredith picks up the phone and dials a taxi.She is alone. Of course she is alone when this starts to happen. Karma. Damn mother freaking karma. Such a freaking bitch. She has the taxi take her to Seattle Grace Hospital. She steps out of the taxi and walks through the front doors of the hospital. Right now her contractions are about twelve minutes apart. Oh God. She is about to give birth. Maybe they can stop the labor. Oh God, let them be able to stop the labor. She is not ready for this.  
She walks in the front doors and Bailey sees her and walks up to her.  
Bailey: Grey, what the hell are you doing here? You are suppose to be on bed rest.  
Before Meredith can speak she feels another contraction, this one stronger than the last one. She grabs her stomach and places a hand on the counter. Bailey looks at her.  
Bailey: Oh my God, you are in labor, aren't you?  
Meredith just nods as she tries to breathe through the contraction.  
Bailey (yelling): I need someone to get me a wheelchair and page Dr. Montgomery! STAT!  
Just then Izzie spots Meredith and runs over to her and Bailey.  
Izzie: Meredith?? Are you okay? It was just a shoe...you didn't need to come down here...  
Bailey: Stevens! She is in labor, you fool.  
Izzie's mouth falls agape.  
Izzie: But...it's early.  
Meredith: I know. It's too early. Oh my God. This is my fault. It is too early.  
Addison walks up and begins to walk next to Meredith as Izzie pushes the wheelchair.  
Addison: This is not your fault. How far apart are the contractions?  
Meredith: About twelve minutes...and they are getting stronger.  
Addison: Okay. Once we get upstairs I will do a quick exam and I can try to stop the labor. Even if I can't you are far enough along that everything should be okay.  
Meredith: It's too early.  
Meredith begins to cry.  
Addison stops Izzie from pushing the wheelchair and kneels down in front of Meredith.  
Addison: Meredith, Look at me.  
Meredith looks at Addison.  
Addison: Your children are in good hands. This is not abnormal for twins. Everything will be fine. I promise.  
Meredith: Thank you.  
Addison smiles warmly at her and stands back up. They resume their movement towards the OB/GYN floor.  
Once they reach her room, Addison does the exam.  
Addison: Okay, Meredith you are only at two centimeters. I can try to stop the labor from progressing if you want me too, but I think that both boy and girl are developed enough to be delivered today.  
Meredith now has tears running down her face.  
Meredith: I'm not ready. I'm..I can't do this. I can't do this. Oh my God. I can't do this.  
Addison: Yes you can, Meredith. You are strong. They need you to be strong for them. You can do this.  
Meredith just nods. Addison leaves the room and Izzie, George, and Cristina enter. George is holding a video camera.  
Izzie: Are you sure about this, Meredith?  
Meredith: Yes. I want you to record it. If he can't be here, I want him to be able to watch it later.  
Izzie: You know, you could call him...  
Meredith sends Izzie a death glare.  
Izzie: Okay, just saying..  
Meredith sighs.  
Meredith: I know...hand me my phone.  
Izzie: Are you sure about this?  
Meredith: Hand me my damn phone, Izzie?  
Just then another contraction hits Meredith and she grips the side of the bed. She squeezes her eyes closed and she tries to breathe through the contraction.  
Izzie: It's okay Meredith, I'm here. You can squeeze my hand.  
Meredith just shakes her off and grabs the cellphone out of her hand. As soon as the contraction is over, Meredith dials a familiar number. She inhales deeply before pressing send.  
You can do this Meredith. He is the father of your children. He deserves to know. He deserves to know that he is about to be a father, hopefully soon. Because if I have to go through this shit for too long...  
Meredith: I can't do this.  
Izzie: Yes, you can. Just press send.  
Meredith: NO I CAN'T!  
Meredith throws the cellphone against the wall, shattering it into pieces. Izzie just stares at her in shock. George puts the camera down.  
Meredith looks at him.  
Meredith: No, George. I want you to film it all. I want him to be able to watch it and it be like he was here. Only he's not here. I am here. All alone. I can't do this. I can't do this without him. Why did he have to leave me. Oh God. I can't do this. I need him. Oh my God.  
She feels another contraction. This one more intense than the last ones. She screams out in pain and grabs onto the rail of the bed. Izzie moves to comfort her.  
Meredith: Don't touch me.  
Izzie: But Meredith...  
Meredith: NO! I need him, Izzie. I need him. I can't do this. I...I can't...he...I need him...Oh God...  
Meredith is now sobbing.  
Izzie: Do you want me to call him?  
Meredith: NO! He...he doesn't love me...I...he wouldn't have left if he doesn't love me...oh God...he said it was because he loves me...but...oh God...I can't...I need him...I need him so bad...  
Meredith begins to sob even harder and against all protests Izzie climbs up in the bed behind Meredith. Meredith falls back against Izzie and begins to sob into her chest. Izzie runs her hands through Meredith's hair. Just then Cristina runs through the door.  
Meredith looks at her.  
Meredith: I...I thought you were in surgery...  
Cristina (breathless): I was...but...my person...is giving birth...to my mini people...so...I ran here...damn...  
Meredith can't help but smile.  
Meredith: You are getting soft.  
Cristina: Shut up.  
She looks around the room and sees the broken cell phone.  
Cristina: What the hell happened?  
Izzie: She tried to call Derek.  
Cristina arches her eyebrows.  
Meredith: Bad idea.  
Cristina: I'll say.  
Just then Meredith feels another contraction. She grips the side of the bed as she tries to breathe through it. Izzie is rubbing her back and Cristina brings a wet towell to wipe her forehead that is breaking out in a sweat.  
Meredith: Shit...shit...ouch...damn him...and his...stupid...boy...penis..  
Just then Burke walks in.  
Burke: How's it going, Grey?  
Meredith: I hate penises.  
Burke: Okay, then.  
Burke turns around and leaves.  
Izzie: I think you scared him.  
Cristina: Good. I don't want him getting ideas.  
They all laugh.  
Meredith's labor lasts for twelve long hours. She refuses drugs up until about the eighth hour, when she can no longer take the pain and is so worn out from the contractions. George tapes the whole thing.  
On November 12th, at 5:45am Meredith Grey gives birth to a healthy baby boy and a healthy baby girl. She names the girl Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd and she names the boy Derek Michael Shepherd, II. All of her friends think that she is crazy, but she doesn't care. She has always wanted to name her first born son after his father. She is holding the twins after they have been checked out by Addison and they have all been cleaned up.  
She looks down into their bright blue eyes and is immediately in love with them. They have full heads of dark hair. It is the first thing Addison saw while she was delivering them and she couldn't help but think how much like their father they already are.  
Meredith: I love you both so much. Mommy loves you so much and so does your daddy. I promise. I will tell him about you soon. You guys deserve to have both a mommy and a daddy, yes you do.  
All of her friends watch this interaction and George records it. Izzie has a tear running down her face.  
Meredith: George, bring the camera closer so Madeline and Derek Michael, Jr. can say hello to their daddy for the first time.  
George brings the camera around to Meredith's side and focuses the lens on the two babies that clearly are the progeny of their mother and father. The babies open their eyes and the bright blue pools are accompanies by their mom's green seas as they look into the lens. The last image before the camera dies is of the three of them as a family looking into the lens of the camera.  
Meredith feels true happiness for the first time since he left. She still doesn't feel complete. She still wants him. She still misses him. She still needs him. She still loves him. But now, now her world revolves around the two tiny creatures that she is holding in her hands and they, they make the pain bearable. They are so much like him. They are so much like him that her heart aches for him, but she hopes that by loving them and taking care of them, she hopes that by doing these things, that he will eventually come back. He will come back and make her little family complete.

**Sorry about the formatting of these last chapters...but I lost the files on my computer and I'm having to get them from someplace else and I don't have the time to go through the reformat everything...so yeah...**

**-Marci**


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith wakes up in the middle of the night. She is still in the hospital room. The twins are in the nursery for the night. She looks around the dark and empty room. She places her hand on her now empty stomach. She doesn't remember ever feeling so alone. Before at least she had her babies inside of her. Now, now in this moment, she is alone.

Meredith rolls over onto her side and brings her knees up to her chest. She stares out of the window and watches as the rain drops slowly make their way down the window pane. How did she end up here? She already loves her children, she really does, but how is she going to do this alone? She could call him, but that time has already come and gone. He will probably hate her for missing the birth of his children. Oh God, she wouldn't be able to take it if he hates her. She..oh God, what if he hates her? How is it that he has been gone for seven months and it still hurts just as much? How is it that her love for him hasn't faded or been replaced by hate? Sure, she is angry. She is angry as hell that he left her. But more than anything she is hurt. She feels like her heart has been completely broken and he walked off with a large part of it. A part that she will not be able to get back until he returns. Until he returns and they can be a family.

No. She can't keep doing this to herself. After she gets home, she needs to start fresh. She needs to let go. She can't keep thinking about the what ifs and the things that weren't. She needs to enjoy her time with her children and not dwell on her own unhappiness and her own loneliness. She may sleep alone in bed at night, but at least she has two beautiful miracles to love. Two beautiful miracles who are clearly their father's children. They are like mirror images of him. The eyes and the hair.

A few tears run down her face. She misses him. She can't deny that she misses him. Sobs begin to shake her tired frame. She wants to share this with him. She wants to share the joys of parenting or whatever with him. She wants to watch him walk around with his daughter nestled deep in his arms as he tries to protect her from the dangers of the outside world. Oh God. She needs him. She wants him. Their children need him. She needs him. She wants to watch him looking proudly into the eyes of his son as he discusses sports and tries to explain them to the infant. She wants to hear him singing their children to sleep in his deep, husky, soothing voice. She wants him. Oh God does she want him.

She squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears, but they just keep coming. Stupid estrogen. Yeah, she will blame it on the estrogen. Meredith sobs herself into a fitful sleep, full of dreams about the past and full of hopes for the future.

(Scene switches to New York City)  
Derek lies in his big, cold bed staring up at the ceiling. For some reason he has had this feeling in his gut. He is waiting for it to pass, but it's not. Just like his love for Meredith. He has been waiting for seven months for his pain to pass, but it hasn't. It's just as intense as it was the moment he placed that note in her locker and walked out of Seattle Grace. He runs his hands over his face. Maybe she has met someone new. For some twisted reason he hopes not. He still only pictures her as the mother of his children. He still only pictures growing old with her. He misses her so much.

Derek sits up on his elbows in the bed. The light is beginning to come in through the window. He looks at the clock next to the bed. It is only 6am. He doesn't have to be at the hospital until 8am. He looks at his cellphone. He sees that he has a text message. It's from Mark.  
Derek runs his hand roughly through his hair.

Derek: What the hell...I thought he got the hint.

Derek opens his phone to read the message. It says "Congratulations"

Derek: For what? What the hell is he talking about?

Derek considers texting him back, but decides to not even worry about it. Derek jumps in the shower. The hot water cascades of his firm, muscular body. He thinks about her. He thinks about all of the showers that they had together, about all of the showers that he wants to take with her in the future. He chuckles as he thinks about the time that she tried to give him sex advice in the elevator. She had called and interrupted bad sex. In the elevator she told him to try the bendy thing that he did in the shower. That is a good memory. Not the circumstances of the conversation, but seeing her smile. Her smile takes his breath away. He wants to do the bendy thing with her again and no one else. He misses her. He loves her. He needs her. He feels the tears begin to build up behind his eyelids. His body fights to keep them from falling.  
Every part of his body aches for her, needs her. He inhales deeply and misses the smell of lavender that used to fill his lungs when she was around.

He can't take this anymore. He needs to go back. He needs to find his way back to her, back to himself. He hopes that she doesn't hate him. What if she hates him? What is she is still with Finn? Oh God. He needs her. He just needs to be around her. Even if he can't be with her, he needs to be around her. He needs to love her. He needs to breathe her in. He just...he needs her.

He gets out of the shower with the resolution formed in his mind. He would try to find his way back to Seattle, back to his heart, back to his life, back to his love.

It has been four weeks since little Maddie and Michael were born. Meredith had decided to call her son by his middle name. Calling him Derek was just too hard.

She is tired. No wait. She is exhausted. Waking up every two or three hours of the night to change or feed her children. Izzie and George help as much as they can, but she does't expect them to help much. They are still working and Meredith is on maternity leave.

Everyone has been acting weird around Meredith the past couple of days. Almost like they have soemthing they want to say, but they don't really know how to say it.

She loves her children. She loves her children more than she ever thought was possible. She sees their father in them. Everyone sees their father in them, but everyone has learned not to say anything about it.

Meredith is staring out of the window of her bedroom. She misses him. They are supposed to be doing this together. All of it. He is supposed to be lying next to her in bed, keeping her warm and loving her. As much as she wants to hate him, she can't. As much as she wants to hate him, she loves him.

She hears her roommates moving around and decides to go have a cup of coffee with them. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and grabs the baby monitor before heading downstairs. She pushes the kitchen door open and is instantly greeted with the scent of coffee.

Meredith: Coffee. MmmmMm.

Izzie looks at Meredith. Meredith looks exhausted. She has bags under her eyes and her hair is up in a messy ponytail.

Izzie: Good morning.

Meredith (mumbles): Morning.

Izzie: How were they last night?

Meredith: I think I slept for about two hours.

Izzie: You know you could always get some help...

Meredith: No. I want to spend as much time with my children as possible before I go back to work.

George: When are you coming back?

Meredith: Four weeks.

Izzie: Why are you going back so soon?

Meredith: Because...I need to cut. I am a resident. I need to cut. I am a surgeon. I am a mother. But I am still a surgeon.

Izzie: I know you are.

Meredith: Okay then.

Izzie: So, you have your doctor's appointment today?

Meredith: Yeah.

Izzie: What time?

Meredith: 10:30.

Izzie: You should eat lunch with us.

Meredith: Yeah, I think I might do that.  
Izzie: Good. Do you want me to watch the twins during your doctor's appointment?

Meredith looks a little apprehensive

.  
Izzie: It will be fine. Bailey won't mind. Everyone keeps asking me about them. They can't wait to see them.

Meredith forces a smile.

George: They are so cute.

Meredith: They look just like their father.

Everyone gets silent. Finally, George clears his throat.

George: Mere, there is something that we need to tell you.

Meredith looks in between her two roommates.

Meredith: What?

George elbows Izzie in the ribs.

Izzie: Ow. Okay, Mer, don't get mad at us. Promise?

Meredith: Just spit it out. I am sleep deprived, sex deprived, and covered in baby vomit.

Izzie(in a sudden outburst): McDreamy's back.

Meredith's mouth falls agape. She looks between the two people. Tears begin to run down her eyes.

Meredith (in a whisper): Does he know?

Izzie shakes her head no.

Izzie: He just got back the day before yesterday. He has been asking about you. We just told him you were on leave. He will be there today. So, we just thought you should know.  
Meredith just nods.

Meredith: Oh God. I...What if I see him today? Oh God. What if he sees the twins? I can't...I can't do this.

Izzie walks around and stands in front of Meredith.

Izzie: You can do this. You have to do this. He still loves you. He looks like hell and you can see the pain flash across his face when he asks about you. You can do this. You have to do this. You have to do this for yourself. You have to do this for Maddie and Michael.

Meredith just nods.

Izzie: Why don't you go take a quick shower before we leave? I will listen for the twins.  
Meredith just nods and hands the baby monitor to Izzie.She walks numbly up stairs and steps into the shower. As soon as the warm water hits her skin, she collapses onto the floor of the shower as sobs begin to wrack her body.

Oh God. He's back. I've been waiting for this. Oh God. What if he hates me? What will he say? What am I going to do? Oh God. I miss him. I miss him so much. They need him. I need him. What if he hates me? I can't make it if he hates me. I need him. I need him so much. I love him. why can't I hate him. I...Oh God...Oh God...What if I see him today? What if he sees them today? Will he know? He has to know. They looks just like him. Oh God. Oh God. I need him. I miss him. I love him. Oh God.

After about ten minutes of these thoughts running through her head, Meredith stands up and finishes her shower. She walks down the hall and goes into the nursery. Her babies are sleeping so she walks and stands in between their cribs.

Meredith (in a whisper): Mommy loves you guys. She loves you so much. You saved me. I love you both so so much.

Tears begin to run down her face.

Meredith (in a whisper): We may meet your daddy today. He will love you guys. I mean, who couldn't love you. You are like your daddy in that way. You have his hair and his eyes. We are really going to have to keep an eye on you guys when you get older. I just...I hope your daddy doesn't hate me because...well...because he doesn't know about you guys yet. I could never bring myself to call him and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you guys don't know him yet. He really is amazing. He's going to love you both so much. He is going to spoil you both. He will play catch with you, Michael. And he will intimidate all of your boyrfriends, Maddie. You guys will love him and he will love you. I just...I hope he still loves me. I want us to be a family. Even though he left...I still want us to be a family...because...well...he is the love of my life. Anyways...I love you guys. Get some more sleep. We have a big day ahead of us. Mommy loves you both and sweet dreams.

Meredith walks out of the nursery and back downstairs. She walks into the kitchen and sees Izzie. Izzie has tears running down her face. Meredith starts to question her, but then she sees the baby monitor.

Izzie: Don't worry. My lips are sealed.

Meredith just nods. Meredith looks around the kitchen and sees that George is gone.

Izzie: He already left.

Meredith nods.

Meredith: Thank you for watching them.

Izzie: No problem. I'm their Auntie Izzie.

Izzie smiles and hands the baby monitor back to Meredith.

Izzie: I will talk to Bailey about watching the twins during your appointment.

Meredith: Thanks.

There is a silence.

Meredith: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah?

Meredith; Do you think he will hate me? You know, for not telling him?

Izzie sighs.

Izzie: I don't think he could ever hate you. He loves you too much...If anything...he will hate himself for leaving you. I mean, he even asked us about Finn. The only thing that he knows is that you are single. We haven't told him anything else. I think he thinks that you are out of town.

Meredith just nods.

Meredith: Thank you.

Izzie: No problem. I will see you later.

Meredith: Yeah. See you.

Izzie starts to walk out the door but stops and turns around.

Izzie: It will be hard, but after it is over, everything will be better. He will love them and he has never stopped loving you.

Meredith forces a smile and Izzie leaves.

Meredith: I hope so.

**Once again this was several updates combined into one. Hope you like. Will post more this weekend. **

**-marci**


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith struggles to get the twins into the car. It is not easy taking care of two infants by yourself.

As Meredith makes her way to the hospital her thoughts are taken over by images of Derek. What if she sees him? What if he sees the twins? What will his reaction be when he finds out that he is a father? She is so wrapped up in these thoughts that she doesn't even realize she is at the hospital until she puts her car in park.

She looks around the parking lot, unsure of exactly what she is looking for. It has been four weeks since they were born. Three weeks since she has been here. She knows that everyone will swarm them and she smiles at this thought. She is already proud of her children. They are beautiful and both of them are already developing a personality. She parks the car and gets the stroller out of the back. It is a cold day so she makes sure to place a blanket over the top of the stroller to protect them from the wind. She takes a deep breath as she heads into the hospital, unsure of what to expect.

She walks into the familiar front doors of the hospital and immediately spots Izzie. Izzie comes running over to her and removes the blanket.

Izzie: They are so cute. (in a baby voice) Yes, you are.

Meredith: I was thinking that we could go up to the surgical floor. The Chief has been asking me about them all week.

Izzie nods and notices the look of apprehension on Meredith's face.

Izzie: He asks about you every day.

Meredith just nods as they wait for the elevator. She looks over at Izzie.

Meredith: Do you think he will hate me?

Izzie: No. He would never hate you.

The elevator doors open and Meredith and Izzie step on. There are several people on the elevator, but none of them are Derek. Meredith is somewhat relieved. All of the people look at the babies and talk to Meredith about how cute they are. Meredith smiles proudly in acknowledgement.

Meredith and Izzie get off of the elevator and she instantly hears a familiar voice.

Bailey: It's about dang time that you brought them here.

Bailey leans down at looks at the sleeping infants.

Bailey: I must say Grey, you did good.

Meredith: Thank you, Dr. Bailey. I have to go to my appointment now, but I will be back down here soon.

Izzie nods.

Izzie: Are we still doing lunch?

Meredith: Of course.

Meredith leans down to the twins.

Meredith: Mommy will be back soon. I love you guys.

She straightens up.

Meredith: Page me if you need me, or if something goes wrong, or..

Izzie: It's okay, Meredith. We will be fine.

Izzie smiles at her. Michael starts to stir and Izzie reaches down and picks him up.

Izzie: Now go. The sooner you go the sooner you get back.

Meredith smiles.

Meredith: You're right.

Meredith heads down the hall to meet Addison for her check up. She is rounding the corner when she walks right into someone, knocking several papers out of their hand.

Meredith: I'm so sorry.

She bends down to pick up the papers, but the person isn't moving. They are transfixed on her form standing before them. She stands up and immediately gasps as she meets a pair of deep blue eyes that she hasn't seen in eight months. She quickly hands him the files. She struggles to find her voice, but when she does it is broken and light. He can't speak, still stunned at her sudden appearance before him. She looks tired, beautiful, but her eyes are so tired. He sees the pain he has caused her flash through them as her eyes meet his momentarily before she looks away.

Meredith: I...um...I...have to go.

She doesn't allow him to speak before taking off down the hallway. He turns to watch her and starts to follow her when he sees her meet up with Addison.

Addison: Hello, Meredith. How are you?

Addison notices the palor of Meredith and looks to see Derek standing down the hall.

Meredith: Fine. I'm fine.

Addison: Well, just follow me and we will do your check up.

Meredith wordlessly follows Addison. Derek stands there thinking about why Meredith is seeing Addison. He just shrugs his shoulders as he walks towards the nurses' station, hoping to see her again before she leaves. He turns the corner and is greeted by a crowd of people surrounding a stroller and Izzie Stevens holding a dark haired infant. His face brightens at the sight of the baby. He loves children.

He walks forward and notices that there are two babies, twins. His smile grows even wider. Twins run in his family. No one notices him approach. They are all too engrossed with the babies.

Derek: So, who do these two precious beings belong to?

Izzie looks up at Derek, shock and panic written on her face. Derek misses the look.

Derek: I didn't know you were pregnant when I left, Stevens...

Izzie: Oh no, they aren't mine...

Derek raises an eyebrow.

Derek: Oh. They are adorable.

Izzie: Yeah, they are.

Derek: What are their names?

Izzie: Well, we call this one here Michael and the one that George is holding is Madeline, but we call her Maddie.

Derek: Those are great names.

Derek smiles but can't help to feel a pang in his chest. Maddie starts crying and George can't get her to stop.

Derek: May I?

George looks at Izzie for an answer. Izzie nods her head. George hands Maddie to Derek. Derek can't help but notice her dark hair and bright blue eyes. He looks down on the infant and she looks into his eyes. She grabs onto his pinky finger as he gently rocks her in his arms. He feels a pang in his heart. He wants chldren. He wants children with Meredith. He can't help but smile at the thought. She immediately calms down. Everyone's mouths fall agape. Most of them know that he is the father. They also know that he doesn't know that he is the father.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: I think she likes me.

Izzie smiles widely.

Izzie: Yeah. I think she does.

Derek: So, who do they belong to?

Before anyone can answer, Derek's pager begins to go off. He gently hands Maddie back to George and walks to the nurses' station to answer his page. He talks on the phone for a while. He hears the cries of the babies break out again and can't help but chuckle as Izzie attempts to calm them. He looks down at the chart in front of him and is reading it when a voice carries deep into his soul.

Voice: What did you do? Are they okay? You should have paged me!

Derek's mouth falls agape as he looks up and sees Izzie handing Michael to Meredith. Meredith takes Michael into her arms and whispers calming words into his ear as she gently rocks him. He sees her say something to Izzie and Izzie reaches down and gets a bottle out of the diaper bag. Maddie is still crying and George is trying to comfort her. He hangs up the phone and walks over towards her. Is Meredith a mother? And then another thought occurs to him. The hair and the eyes. The name Michael. Oh God. Is he a father? Is he a father and he doesn't even know it? He swallows the huge lump in his throat as he continues to walk towards Meredith, unsure of the answers to the questions that he is currently asking himself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry about the formatting...I really didn't have time to change it. I will try to fix it for the next update. **

Meredith looks down at her babies as she thinks about the very brief encounter she had with their father just a short time before. She smiles as she looks down into the bright blue eyes of her baby boy.  
Meredith (in a baby voice): Are you hungry?  
She puts the bottle in his mouth and he eagerly begins to drink its contents.  
Meredith giggles.  
Meredith: Yes you are.  
She feels Izzie nudge her sharply in the side. She looks over at her and follows her gaze. Crap. Derek is walking over and he has a questioning look on his face. He sees the look of panic in her eyes as she sees him approaching.  
Maddie starts crying loudly and he sees her struggle to placate both babies. She is definately their mother. He can't help but feel his lips curl up a bit at the sight of her with her children. She looks exhausted, but she is still and will always be beautiful.  
Derek inhales deeply as he approaches her. This is it. This is the moment that both of them have been waiting for. Her friends are around, but he doesn't care. She is tending to her children, but he doesn't care. He needs to speak to her. He needs to hear her voice. He needs to look into her eyes. He needs to tell her how he feels. He needs to find out if he is a father. His heart jumps at this thought, but then it begins to ache as he thinks about what he has missed. Then it hits him. The calls from Mark and the text message. Mark tried to tell him. Mark tried to tell him and he ignored him. Why hadn't Meredith told him?  
Meredith begins to panic as he is only a few feet away. She can feel his intense gaze on her. She looks helplessly at Izzie.  
Meredith: We should go. It's cold outside and I don't want to keep them out too long.  
Izzie: I thought that you were going to take them to see the Chief?  
Meredith: I will bring them back a different day. They are both being really fussy today and I think the sooner I can get them home the better...  
Izzie: But...what about lunch?  
Meredith: Crap. Fine.  
She leans in towards Izzie to whisper in her ear.  
Meredith: You better not leave my side or I will kill you.  
Izzie just smiles at her.  
Derek is close enough to Meredith that he can now smell the scent of lavender. He inhales deeply, allowing that fragrance to once again fill his lungs. A fragrance that he has missed so much. He clears his throat. Everyone becomes silent in anticipation of their reunion and wondering if he realizes that he is a father. Meredith looks up and meets his eyes. His eyes are full of regret and pain while hers are dark with hurt and anger. Both struggle to find their voice.  
Meredith (barely above a whipser): Dr. Shepherd, how nice of you to grace us with your presence once again here at Seattle Grace.  
Everyone's mouths fall agape at the coldness in her voice. He can tell she is hurt and her words are like daggers to his heart. The baby in her arms whimpers and she looks down and her expression immediately changes to one of complete adoration and love. Her voice is softer and calmer when she next speaks.  
Meredith: It's okay, Michael baby, mommy's here. Shhh...it's okay.  
Derek's heart softens and he takes another step towards Meredith and he feels the tears begin to gather in his eyes as he hears Meredith talking to her son. Her son named Michael. His middle name. His father's name. Everyone watches in anticipation.  
Derek (in a cracked voice): Meredith...  
Meredith whips her head around as she hears something she has been waiting eight months to hear, her name rolling off of his tongue like velvet. She feels the tears beginning to well up in her eyes and fights to maintain control over her emotions. He knows. She can see that he knows as his eyes beg her to clarify everything.  
Meredith (in a whisper): Not now, not here, Derek.  
Derek nods. He motions towards the twins.  
Derek (in a strained voice): They are beautiful.  
Meredith: Thank you. Look, I have to go. I'm supposed to have lunch with Izzie and then I need to get them home.  
Meredith places Michael in the stroller next to Maddie, who had been placed in there by George shortly before. He can tell that Meredith is in pain. Meredith looks up and smiles weakly at Derek. He opens his mouth to speak but his pager cuts him off. He looks down at it.  
Derek: Sorry, I have to go.  
Meredith just nods and Derek runs off to answer his page, leaving several of his own questions unanswered. Meredith watches his retreating form and feels herself breaking down. She fights this urge as she looks down at her two children as a reminder for her to keep strong.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Meredith walks into the cafeteria pushing the twins in their stroller. She immediately spots her group of interns who abandoned her as soon as Derek approached her. She sits down at the table and glares at them all.  
Meredith: I hate you all.  
Cristina: Whatever. Does it look like I care?  
Meredith starts to answer her but Cristina gets paged. She looks down at her pager.  
Cristina: Great. McDreamy is paging me. I better get a surgery.  
Before anyone can respond Cristina is gone. Meredith looks at Izzie.  
Meredith: You promised to not leave me alone.  
Izzie: Oh, I thought you were talking about while we were eating lunch. My bad.  
Meredith just rolls her eyes.  
Meredith: Whatever.  
Before the conversation can continue the Chief walks up and bends over the stroller.  
Chief: Now how are my two favorite babies doing?  
He looks up at Meredith.  
Meredith: Well, they are finally sleeping more than two hours at a time. Thank God.  
Chief: Well, that's good.  
Meredith: Yeah. It is still hard, but we do alright. Don't we guys?  
She is looking at her twins when she says these words. The Chief pats her on her back.  
Chief: When are you planning on coming back to work?  
Meredith: Well, originally I was going to wait another four weeks, but I don't know. Maybe a little sooner.  
Chief: I don't want you to rush anything.  
Meredith: I'm going insane not having adults to talk to the majority of the time.  
The Chief laughs and then spots a certain neurosurgeon across the cafeteria. Derek spots the Chief and Meredith and begins to move towards them. Meredith glares at the Chief.  
Meredith: You could have warned me.  
Chief: Does he know yet?  
Meredith sighs.  
Meredith: I don't know.  
Izzie: Well, it's kind of obvious isn't it?  
Meredith glares at her.  
Izzie: What? I'm just saying, they have his hair and eyes...if he doesn't realize that they are his then he is pretty brainless..  
Meredith: Well, he has been known to be pretty brainless at times.  
Izzie: That's true.  
The Chief's voice interrupts their conversation.  
Chief: Shep! How is it going?  
Derek stands next to the Chief and looks down on the two sleeping infants.  
Derek: Good. I have a craniotomy scheduled in an hour. Yang is taking care of pre-op.  
Chief: Good. Have you met my godchildren?  
Derek smiles and leans down to get a better view.  
Derek: Yes. I have.  
He looks over at Meredith.  
Derek: I didn't know you were Catholic..  
Meredith: Oh...I'm not...  
Meredith is looking for an explanation. The truth is that she knows that Derek's family is Catholic and she wanted her children to have as big a family as possible. Izzie knows Meredith's reasons, but decides to cover for her.  
Izzie: It was my idea. I'm Catholic.  
Derek: Oh. I see. So, two more Grey's in the hospital.  
George: Oh, there last names aren't Grey.  
Meredith glares at George.  
Meredith: George!  
George: What? Oh, sorry.  
Derek: They sure do have a full head of hair.  
The Chief chuckles.  
Chief: They were both born with full heads of hair. Addison said it was evident who their..  
Meredith interrupts him, knowing what the next words out of his mouth would be.  
Meredith: I...we...we should go...I want to get them home before they wake up.  
Izzie can see that Meredith is flustered and looks at the Chief. The Chief is able to read Izzie's expression.  
Chief: Stevens, why don't you take the rest of the day and we will page you if we need you.  
Izzie: Thank you, Chief.  
The Chief leans down to the twins.  
Chief: It was good to see you Maddie and you too Junior.  
Derek looks confused.  
Derek: I thought it was Michael.  
Chief: Oh, that is his middle name. Everyone else calls him Michael, but I call him Junior.  
Meredith is even more panicked now.  
Derek: Oh. So what is his first name?  
He looks at Meredith for the answer and sees the panic in her eyes. Before she can answer, as if on cue, Maddie starts whimpering. Meredith bends down and quickly removes her from the stroller, hoping to lull her back to silence before she wakes up her brother. Derek thinks he knows that answer to his question and he can't help but get teary eyed at the thought that even after he left her, she would name their son after him. He thinks this. He is pretty sure of this, but he desperately seeks confirmation. His eyes meet hers as she prepares to leave and they beg for answers. Her eyes begin to fill with tears as do his. She nods slightly in an attempt to answer all of his questions and he takes a step forward.  
Meredith (in a strained voice): Not now.  
Izzie begins to push the stroller towards the exit and Meredith follows her. She looks back.  
Meredith: See you guys later.  
Her eyes meet Derek's once again before she quickly looks away, not ready for him to see her soul, her pain, her love, her hope. She follows Izzie out of the hospital and to the car in silence, her heart weighing heavy with emotion and her mind seeking to imprint every moment into her memory.  
(Meanwhile back in the cafeteria)  
As soon as Meredith leaves the cafeteria Derek plops down in the chair previously occupied by her and places his head in his hands in an attempt to suppress his emotions until he can be alone. He is so overwhelmed. He saw the love of his life for the first time in eight months today. Her nod confirmed that he is a father. He is a father. He needs to talk to her. He needs to talk to her as soon as possible. He looks up at the Chief with watery eyes. The Chief places a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. Just then Cristina walks back into the cafeteria.  
Cristina: The patient is prepped, Dr. Shepherd.  
Derek (in a strained voice): I think we are going to have to postpone the surgery or have someone else do it.  
He looks up at the Chief and the Chief nods his approval. Cristina is pissed and then it hits her why he is delaying the surgery. She crosses her arms over her chest.  
Cristina: You know.  
Derek: I know.  
Cristina: Good. Now, what are you going to do about it?  
Derek: I don't know.  
Cristina: Well, you better figure it out, because I can't deal with a broken Meredith any longer.  
Derek: What do you mean? She doesn't look broken...  
Cristina: That is because she puts on a facade.  
Derek just sighs.  
Derek: I thought I was doing what was best for her when I left.  
Cristina: Right. Well, you weren't here to see her break down.  
Derek: What do you mean?  
Cristina: Did you wonder why there was a pillow covered in blood in your trailer?  
A look of hurt and confusion crosses Derek's face.  
Cristina: The day she found out she was having twins she disappeared from work and went to your trailer. It took me hours to find her but when I did she was curled up on your bed and had clawed herself with her fingernails and was hyperventilating.  
Derek lets his face fall back in his hands.  
Derek: I didn't know...I thought I was letting her be happy...  
Cristina: I don't care what you thought. For some crazy reason she loves you, she still loves you, so you better fix this. I swear if you hurt her again like you did when you left I will use medieval torture devices on your ass before I put you out of your misery.  
Derek: I don't want to hurt her. I never meant to hurt her.  
Chief: Take the rest of the day Derek and do what you've gotta do.  
Derek stands up quickly.  
Derek: Thank you, Chief.  
Chief: No problem. She is like a daughter to me.  
Derek: Chief, why didn't you tell me?  
The Chief sighs.  
Chief: She asked me not to say anything to anyone.  
Derek just nods before he runs out of the cafeteria thinking about how he can right the biggest mistake of his life.


	13. Chapter 13

Derek runs into the nearest on call room, desperate to escape the gazes of others...desperate to be alone with his thoughts, his pains, his regrets..  
He slides down the door and onto the floor, his legs too weak to support his overwhelmed body. His body overwhelmed not with physical exertions, but with emotion. His head falls into his hands as his body begins to be wracked with sobs. He loves her. He loves her and he hurt her. He hurt her so much and he hurt himself. He hurt himself because he thought he was doing what was best for her when actually, he was hurting her. Oh God, he hurt the one person he loved more than anything. How could he do that? How could he hurt her like that? He hates himself for hurting her. He hates himself so much. Oh God.  
And now he is a father. He is a father and he didn't know it. He is a father and he has missed so much. He missed the first doctor's appointments, the first ultrasound, hearing their heartbeats. Their. There are two of them. He is a father twice. He is the father of twins. He missed their birth and their first weeks of life. Oh God. She did it all alone. He understands why she didn't call. He is an ass. Oh God. He hates himself. He needs to fix this. He has to fix this. But how? He can never make up for the lost time with them.  
He roughly wipes away the remnants of tears on his face. He needs to pull himself together. He needs to be strong. He needs to figure this out.  
He slowly ambles back onto his feet and he begins to pace the small expanse of the on call room. He runs his hand over his face and through his hair.  
What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? I want to fix this. I need to fix this. I have to fix this.  
He places his palms on the wall as he leans against the wall. He sighs loudly.  
Just as he resumes his pacing the on call room door opens suddenly. He jumps and blinks at the sudden appearance of light.  
Cristina: What the hell are you doing?  
Derek blinks a few times trying to focus on her angry form. She has her hands on her hips and looks very pissed off.  
Derek: What do you mean?  
Cristina: I mean, why are you sitting alone in an on call room when you should be fixing your mistake?  
Derek sighs and runs his hand through his hair again.  
Derek: I am trying to figure out how to fix my dumbass mistake.  
Cristina: Well, you better think fast because she won't wait for forever.  
Before he can respond, Cristina slams the on call room door shut, leaving him standing there staring blankly at the now closed door. He runs his hand through his hair again before rushing out of the door and out of the hospital to his car. He doesn't have a plan. All that he has is his love for her and his need and desire to make things right and he hopes that that is enough to make her not hate him. He doesn't think he can survive is she hates him. He doesn't want to survive if she hates him. He still can't wrap his head around fatherhood. One step at a time. One small step at a time. Although nothing would make him happier than taking a giant leap with Meredith. Maybe he should just let her set the pace. Yeah. That's a good idea.  
He pulls into her driveway. He looks into the rearview mirror and sees his disheveled hair and his red eyes. He looks like shit. He looks like shit but he has to see her. He needs to see her. He takes a deep breath before opening the car door and exiting his vehicle.  
(Scene switches to Meredith and Izzie leaving the hospital)  
Meredith follows Izzie out of the hospital silently. Izzie helps her put the twins in their carseats and Meredith gets into the passenger seat after handing Izzie the keys. She knows that she is in no condition drive at the moment and there is no way that she is putting her children in danger. She places her forehead against the glass of the window and watches the scenery go by as Izzie drives down the familiar streets. The cool glass against her fevered skin only makes her more aware of her pain. It causes her to feel. She feels the coldness and she feels her current seperation from the outside world. The world that exists outside that window. The world that exists outside of her. The world that exists outside of her and Derek. Derek is her world, but right now that world is so foreign to her. She wants to travel that world. She wants to runs her fingers over his body. Over his muscular back and abdomen. Over his strong shoulders and arms, through his hair. She wants to taste him again. All of him. She wants to feel his moist lips against hers and against her skin. She wants to feel him breathing next to her as they sleep. She wants to feel safe in his strong arms as he holds her. She wants to feel him inside of her as they spend the night making love.  
She misses these things. She misses getting lost in his eyes. She misses the calming of his deep voice. She misses the way that his touch causes her skin to erupt in goosebumps and electricity to travel thruogh her body. She misses living. She misses breathing. She misses existing with him because without him, she really doesn't exist. Yes, she has her children and she loves them dearly. But Derek. Derek is her other half. He is her soul mate. He is the love of her life. He is her companion, her best friend. He is the person that she can laugh with, cry with, fight with, make love with, sleep with, dream with, do everything with.  
No one says anything. No one needs to say anything. Izzie knows that Meredith is in pain. She knows that there is nothing that she can do to fix her, only Derek can do that. She glances over tentatively at her friend, her roommate, her sister, and she feels bad for her.  
It starts to rain outside and Meredith watches as the raindrops make their way slowly down the window. She doesn't even realize that tears are falling down her own face as she watches the tears of nature fall. She loves the rain. She really does. It is so cleansing and refreshing. But she can't help but think that at this moment, nature is a clear reflection of her own emotions. The skies are cloudy and the rain is now pouring down. A storm is rolling in. The storm that is occuring within her own mind and heart is being mimicked in nature. Perhaps nature can sense her complete forlorness, her complete feeling of solitude.  
She doesn't even realize it when Izzie pulls into the driveway and stops the car. She doesn't realize it when she turns the car off. She doesn't even hear Izzie the first three times she says her name because she is so wrapped up in her own little world.  
Izzie: Meredith!  
Meredith jumps at the sound of Izzie's voice invading her thoughts. She turns to her. Izzie looks worried. She sees that Meredith is on the verge of another breakdown.  
Izzie: We are home.  
Meredith just nods and gets out of the car.  
Izzie: I will get the kids.  
Meredith nods again. She vaguely hears Izzie getting the twins inside but she doesn't move. She stands in the rain, allowing the drops to cascade through her hair and down her face. Her clothes are soaked in a matter of seconds but she doesn't care. She looks up into the sky as if seeking for the answer to some transcendental question. She doesn't really know the question she is asking nor does she know the answer. She doesn't feel alive. Her children have allowed her to live somewhat because they resemble him so much. But she doesn't feel alive without him. She...he became her breath, her oxygen, her life line. He had...has...still has her heart. He possesses her essence of being and the sad part, the sad part is that she doesn't want it back. She doesn't want it back because if he ever hands it back it will be broken into so many pieces that it will be unable to be put back together. Yes, she loves her children. She loves her children dearly, but her children are not Derek. They may have a part of him in them, but they are not Derek. They are not him and she needs him.  
Oh God. I am a horrible person. Why can't they fill the very large void left by him? Shouldn't they be enough? Why can't they be enough? Oh God. I am such a horrible person.  
These thoughts are running through her head when she feels a pair of female hands begin to direct her into the house and it takes a couple minutes more before she is broken out of her reverie once again.  
Izzie: Meredith!  
Meredith snaps her head around to stare at Izzie. Izzie takes in her appearance. She is dripping wet and her eyes are red from crying. Her tears are indistinguishable from the rain drops that also grace her face.  
Meredith: What?  
Izzie: You should go dry off and change before you catch a cold.  
Meredith just nods and walks up the stairs. She returns to her own little world as she slowly dries her body with her thick bath towel. She thinks about all of the showers that she took with Derek. The way they explored each other's bodies and the way they manipulated their bodies in the shower for ultimate pleasure. She thinks about the way he gently massageed her shampoo and conditioner into her hair, or the way he lovingly caressed every inch of her body as he ran the wash cloth over it. She remembers the way his skin felt under the soap and water and the way his hair was even curlier when wet. She remembers the way the water fell down his masculine nose and onto his very tempting lips. She remembers the way their bodies glided together because of the decreased friction offered by the soapy water. She remembers the smile that always graced his entire face and lit up his eyes when he smelled her conditioner.  
She sighs as she finishes getting dressed. She hears the doorbell ring and tries to shake off all of these thoughts as she begins to walk down the stairs while attempting to towel dry her hair. She stops as Izzie opens the door and she is met by the pair of blue eyes wihch she was reminiscing about only moments before. She struggles to breathe and to remember where she is. She finds herself swimming in the oceans of his blue eyes as he searches through her green seas. Time stops for both of them. Neither notice Izzie retreat to the kitchen nor do they notice their sudden inability to breathe. All that they know is that for the first time in eight months, for the first time in eight very long and painful months their souls are interacting. Their souls are exchanging words of love, anger, regret, despair, desire, and pain to name only a few. Their souls dance and merge in the physical space that now exists between their bodies. Their souls are one just as their hearts are one. Neither want to interrupt this silence. Both fear the impact that verbalization may have on the moment, but it is necessary. It is necessary for them to be able to breathe again and for them to be able to move again. It is necessary for them to begin the process of healing the wounds that the intense pain of the last eight months have caused them both.  
Finally, Meredith finds her voice, but it comes as a cracked whisper.  
Meredith: Derek..

**So sorry about the formatting...the next update will be better...I promise..**

**-Marci**


	14. Chapter 14

_Finally, Meredith finds her voice, but it comes as a cracked whisper.  
Meredith: Derek.._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------_

His name rolls off of her tongue like velvet. It sounds so natural to his ears to hear her saying his name. He inhales deeply and takes a step forward.

Derek: Meredith..

His voice is laced with regret, pain, and love. He loves her so much. Her eyes begin to refill with tears as she begins to descend the stairs. Meredith opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. The man she has been dreaming about every night is finally standing in front of her. She wants nothing more than to jump into his arms, but she can't do that. She needs to find out why he is here. She needs for him to be here for her. She doesn't really know what to do.

Meredith (in a broken voice): Living room...talk...

Derek nods as he follows her into the living room. They sit on opposite ends of the couch. He notices all of the baby items that weren't there before. He sees two baby books sitting on the coffee table. He motions towards them with his hand.

Derek: May I?

Meredith nods.

Meredith: Of course.

Derek picks up the first baby book and opens the cover. He sees her first picture with her full name written under it: Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd. He feels the tears begin to build in his eyes. When he speaks his voice is cracked.

Derek: You gave her my name and named her after my mother.

It was more of an observation that didn't require an explanation, but Meredith felt the need to explain herself.

Meredith: I wanted her to have as much of you as possible. It is only her middle name.

Instead of answering, Derek picks up the second book and opens the cover to see the first picture of his son with his name written under it: Derek Michael Shepherd, II. Derek turns to Meredith, his tear-filled eyes meet hers. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, they hear a cry on the baby monitor. Meredith immediately jumps up.

Meredith (trying to be calm): I will be back soon. There are more pictures in the albums on the bookshelf and there are also DVDs on top of the TV. Feel free to look at them.

Before he can answer Meredith is walking upstairs. He stares down at the book for a moment and then he hears her voice over the baby monitor.

Meredith (in a gentle voice): Hey baby girl. What's wrong? Are you hungry? Yes, you are. You are such a little princess.

Derek continues to listen to Meredith's voice for a minute before he gets up and walks to the TV. He looks through the DVDs and put the one labelled "Delivery" into the DVD player. He walks back to the couch and presses play. He can still hear Meredith humming through the baby monitor as the image of Meredith in the hospital bed comes onto the screen. He watches as she refuses the help of her friends and as she cries out in pain. He is unable to control his tears any longer as he hears her cry out for him. He watches as she throws the phone into the wall in her attempt to call him. He isn't aware when the voice fades from the monitor because he is so engrossed in the edited video. He doesn't notice the figure leaning against the entry into the living room, watching him watch her give birth to his children. He only notices her when she walks over and sits next to him on the couch as she names them. The video ends with a shot of the three of them filling the screen.

They look at each other. Both have cheeks streaked with tears and eyes full of regret. Before he can speak, Meredith opens her mouth.

Meredith: Why don't you come say goodnight to them?

His eyes light up and he follows her upstairs. She opens the door and his eyes take in the nursery. He gasps at how much of himself is in the room.

Derek (barely audible): Ferryboats.

Meredith smiles.

Meredith (in a whisper): Yeah. I wanted you to be a part of their lives as much as possible.

Derek nods his head and gulps as he walks slowly towards their matching cribs. He looks into Michael's crib first and the tears begin to fall again. His heart swells with pride as he takes in the sleeping form of his son. He wants to memorize everything about this moment, every detail about his appearance, his countenance, every detail about the room, the sounds, the smells...everything. He wants to store this in his memory and hold onto it for the rest of his life. This is the moment when he is introduced to his son. Not the baby with Izzie, but his son. His flesh and blood, his future, his love. He can't wait to play catch with him in the yard or give him advice about women. He wants to hold him, but he doesn't want to wake him up. Next time. Next time he holds him, but he doesn't know when next time will be. He bends over the crib.

Derek (in a choaked voice): Hey buddy, I know that I haven't been around and I'm sorry, but I promise that I will always be around from now on. Daddy loves you.

Derek then turns to the crib sitting a couple of feet away from his son's. He looks down at the sleeping form of his daughter. His heart swells once again as he begins to memorize everything about this moment as well. He loves her. He loves her so much and he just found out that she existed. He already wants to protect her.

Derek (in a strained voice): Hey princess, you are so beautiful. You have your mother's nose. I promise that I am going to protect. I love you. Daddy loves you baby girl.

He turns to Meredith and sees that she also has tears running down her face. She takes a step forward and then hesitates. She really doesn't know what to do and neither does he. This situation is so foreign to both of them. Everything is new and strange. Both want to hold the other, but neither are willing to be so bold.

Meredith motions towards the bedroom door and Derek nods. She walks out of the nursery and he follows her. As soon as the door is closed she turns to him, tears now running freely down her face.

Meredith (in a whisper): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Her shoulders begin to shake as she tries to contain her emotions. She quickly brushes her tears away.

Derek (also in a whisper): So am I.

Meredith walks down the stairs and stops in front of the door as does he. She turns to face him.

Meredith: They will be awake again in a couple of hours. You can come back then. I mean, if you want to.

Derek's face falls in disappointment. Of course he wants to, he just wishes he could stay here and they could talk.

Derek: Of course I want to. Shouldn't we talk?

Meredith: Later. We will talk later.

Derek nods and begins to walk out of the door. He stops and turns back, not failing to recognize her attempt to quickly brush away her falling tears.

Derek: I will be back around four then.

Meredith just nods and shuts the door. As soon as the door is shut she collapses on the floor

Izzie (coming from the kitchen): Oh my God, Meredith! Are you okay?!


	15. Chapter 15

"Warning Sign" By Coldplay

_A warning sign,  
I missed the good part then I realized,  
I started looking and the bubble burst.  
I started looking for excuses. _

Derek is on the first step of the front porch when he hears Izzie's panicked voice.

Izzie: Oh my God, Meredith! Are you okay?!

Without any hesitation Derek turns around and runs back into the house. He doesn't knock, he just opens the door. His thoughts are on her and if she is okay. He prays, and he is not a religious man, he prays that she is okay. He hopes she is okay. He needs for her to be okay. She has to be okay.

He opens the door to discover a crumpled body lying on the floor. She is lying on the floor and her body is shaking with sobs. He looks quickly at Izzie whose mouth is agape before dropping down the floor and pulling Meredith onto his lap, enveloping her in his arms. Her body fits perfectly against his as she buries her face in his chest. He rubs her back. Although this is the first time either have had physical contact with each other in eight months, neither are thinking about this. All that they are thinking about is their pain and the pain they have caused each other, regrets. So many regrets and so much love.

_Come on in,  
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,  
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,  
That I started looking for a warning sign._

Derek begins to rock her back and forth as she now has a fist full of his shirt. She is clinging to him desperately, almost as if she is afraid he will disappear again. His heart is breaking again and her heart is already broken. He soon finds his shoulders shaking with sobs as well.  
She looks so broken. He looks so broken. They looks so broken, so desperate, so shattered, so alone, so naked. Their walls, their barriers, everything is broken down as their emotions take over and they bear their souls, their hearts. They lay everything on the line in an attempt to ease the pain of the other in hopes of relieving their own as well, because neither can be pain free as long as the other suffers.  
Meredith: Why...why...can't I hate...you? Oh God...why...can't ...I...hate you?  
Derek: Shh...I'm...so...sorry...Mer...Oh God...I'm so...sorry...I love you...I love you so damn much...  
Meredith tries to get even closer to him. Her body now craving contact with his. She hurts. She hurts so much. She misses him. She misses him so much. When she should hate him, she loves him. She loves him so much that it hurts. She hates herself. She should hate him, but she hates herself instead. She hates herself for depriving him of being there through her pregnancy, of being there for their birth, and of being there for the first four weeks of their lives. Not only has she hurt him, she has hurt their children. Oh God. It hurts. Why does it hurt? She grasps at his clothing because she doesn't want him to disappear. She won't survive if he disappears again. She won't survive if he leaves their children. She won't survive if he leaves her. She needs him. She wants him. She loves him. She hates herself for loving him so damn much.

_the truth is,  
I miss you.  
Yeah the truth is,  
That I miss you so._

God he missed her. Just holding her in his arms and breathing her in made him realize that he had been without oxygen for eight months. He missed her so much. He can't believe he hurt her. He hates himself for hurting her. He hates himself so much for hurting her. He is a father. He is a dad. They have kids together. He had wanted her to mother his children, he had just always planned on him being there for all of it. He can't be angry at her for not calling him. It was his fault. He is to blame. He loves her. She is his oxygen. What the hell was he thinking that he could leave her and be okay? That he could leave her and be anything more than just existing...not even breathing...because he couldn't breath without her because she is his oxygen. She has been his oxygen since that first night.

_A warning sign,  
You came back to haunt me and I realized,  
That you were an island and I passed you by,  
You were an island to discover. _

Meredith: I'm sorry...I'm so...sorry...I...Oh God...I love you...I can't...help...but love you...I love you...it hurts...I...love you...so much...it hurts...  
Derek: Oh God, Mer...I love you too...so much...I'm so...so...sorry...Oh God...I'm sorry...I will never...never ever...leave...you or our children...again...I promise...I swear...Never...

_Come on in,  
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,  
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,  
That I started looking for a warning sign. _

She finally begins to calm down as his hands move up and down her back and as she begins to listen to his breathing and the beat of his heart. His sobs also begin to subside as he notices her beginning to relax. She still doesn't let go of his shirt.  
After being in the floor for more than thirty minutes she finally builds up enough courage to look into his eyes. She sees her own emotions reflected in his watery blue pools, only emphasizing the extense of their connection to each other.

_When the truth is,  
I miss you.  
Yeah the truth is,  
That I miss you so._

He reaches down and brushes her matted, damp hair out of her face. For the first time in eight months, his touch sends electricity through her body. She leans into the contact, relishing in softess of his hand. He then runs his thumb under her eyes to remove the remnants of her tears. She sighs in relief at this very intimate action. She missed him. Oh God did she miss him.  
He loves touching her. Feeling her smooth skin under his, allowing the heat from both of their bodies to blend. He loves protecting her. He loves being with her. He loves needing her. He loves her.

_And I'm tired,  
I should not have let you go. _

Without saying another word Meredith releases her death grip on Derek's shirt only to fling her arms around his neck. Their chests are now touching, their heart beating together, in rhythm, in unison. Their heart become one and each can feel the other's beating against their chest. Meredith places her cheek against Derek's rough one, wanting to be close to him and wanting to relish in his masculine, perfect, Derek touch. Derek touch. It is his touch because only one person can make her feel the way he does.  
She inahles deeply, taking in his scent. The scent that she missed so much. The scent that marks him as her Derek. Her love. Her life. The scent that disappeared from his trailer three months ago. The scent that is still able to calm her. The scent that intoxicates her. God she loves the way he smells. She loves him. Only one person can make her world stop by leaving and immediately restart it upon his return. Only one person has her heart. Only one person has her soul. Only one person her her. That person is Derek Shepherd...and she never wants to let him go again.  
Derek wraps his arms around Meredith's back, running his hands up and down her spine. He is pleasantly surprised as she throws her arms around his neck, but he relishes the close contact. He closes his eyes as he feels the beating of her heart against his chest, as he hears her ragged breathing next to his ear, as he inhales her scent that has become his oxygen. She is it for him. She has always been it for him. She is his everything and he is nothing without her. He doesn't want to live without her. She made him a father. She made him believe in true love and soul mates. She makes him feel. She makes him alive. She is his life. He is never going to let her go again. When she whispers, it sends chills down his spine as he feels her hot breath against his neck and ear.  
Meredith: Please, never leave me again...please...I need you...  
Derek: I promise...never again...I need you too...I love you..  
Both breathe a sigh of relief at finally being in the embrace of the other and finally declaring their need and love.

_So I crawl back into your open arms.  
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.  
And I crawl back into your open arms.  
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.._


	16. Chapter 16

They sit on the floor for more than thirty minutes, neither wanting to ruin the moment both afraid of letting the other go. Meredith finally moves her cheek away from Derek's and looks into his eyes.  
Meredith: Derek?  
Derek: Yeah?  
Derek reaches up and brushes her hair out of her face, an indication of the intimacy that still exists between them.  
Meredith: I don't want to let you go.  
He leans his forhead against hers and inhales deeply, breathing her in.  
Derek: I don't want to let you go either.  
He smiles weakly at her.  
Derek: But do you think we can get up off of the floor? My ass is asleep.  
Meredith giggles. It is the first time Derek has heard that sounds in eight months and he basks in it. He sighs. Meredith tilts her head to the side and looks into his eyes.  
Meredith: What is it?  
Derek: I have missed that sound.  
Meredith(sighing): Me too.  
Meredith begins to play with the curls that are gathered at the back of Derek's neck. He smiles warmly at her at the feeling. She moves one of her hands away from the back of his neck and grips his free hand. Derek looks at her inquisitively as she gets to her feet, not releasing her grip on his hand. Meredith helps him to his feet and smiles at him.  
Meredith: I told you, I don't want to let you go.  
He smiles at her and squeezes her hand before pulling her into a loving embrace. He whispers into her ear.  
Derek: I love you so much. I will do everything I can to make the last eight months up to you and the twins.  
He releases her from the embrace and she grabs his hand again, leading him into the living room. He follows her silently. She grabs the baby monitor off of the coffee table and leads him to the stair case. He pauses at the foot of the stairs and she looks down at him. She smiles at him.  
Meredith: I just want you to hold me while I sleep. I need you to hold me while I sleep. Please?  
Derek smiles up at her.  
Derek: Of course.  
Derek follows her upstairs and into her bedroom. She lies down on the bed and he lies behind her in a spooning position, his face in her hair. She giggles as he inhales deeply.  
Derek: I've missed this. I've missed this so much.  
Meredith turns in his arms to face him.  
Meredith: Me too.  
She buries her face in his chest, taking in his scent.  
Tears begin to form in her eyes as she remembers that night in the trailer. The night that she wanted to die. The night that his scent disappeared. He feels her tears begin to wet his shirt and he pulls her back to look into her eyes. She sees the concern in his amazing blue eyes.  
Derek: What is it?  
Meredith: I...I...went to the trailer after you left a few times...  
Derek: I know...  
Meredith: The last time I went...Your scent was gone...your scent was gone and I had never felt more alone...  
Derek pulls her close into his chest as he rubs her back, wanting to show her that she is no longer alone and that he doesn't ever plan on leaving her alone again. Her voice breaks the silence once again.  
Meredith: I'm sorry about your pillow.  
Derek chuckles as he runs his fingers through her hair. He pulls her back to kiss her on the forehead and then gazes deeply into her eyes.  
Derek: You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all.  
Meredith inhales deeply.  
Meredith: You don't hate me?  
A look of confusion crosses his face.  
Derek: Why would I hate you?  
Meredith: For not telling you about the twins...I mean...you missed the birth...you...  
Derek interrupts her.  
Derek: Shhh...I could never hate you, Meredith. I wish that I could have been there...but it is my own fault that I wasn't...I don't hate you...don't you see? I could never hate you. You are the love of my life and I plan on spending the rest of ours making my mistake up to you. That is, if you will let me...will you let me? Will you give me a second chance?  
Meredith looks away for a moment. These are the words she has been wanting to hear for...well...for forever. She needs him. She loves him. She looks back into his eyes and sees the anxiety that is now present. She inhales deeply. She lifts her hand to his face and traces his jawline with her finger.  
Meredith: I have been waiting for you to say those words for so long. I...wow...I...we have two amazing children together, Derek...  
Derek smiles proudly.  
Derek: I know...and that only makes me love you more...which I didn't think was possible...  
Meredith: I..I...just...I need to ask you something...  
Derek starts to feel knots in his stomach.  
Derek: Anything.  
Meredith: I...I know you said it in your letter...but I need to know...I need to know why you left me...  
Derek sighs as he smooths Meredith's hair out of her face.  
Derek: I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I thought that...I thought that he was the better man...I...I...was a stupid ass...I...I just thought that you could be happy with him...and I didn't want to hold that from you...You deserve to be happy...and I thought that he could make you happy...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...  
Meredith believes him. She sees it in his eyes that he is telling the truth.  
Meredith: Why did you come back? I mean...I'm glad you're back...I just...why?  
Derek sighs.  
Derek: I...it became too hard to be away from you...I couldn't do it anymore...I felt so miserable without you...I couldn't breathe without you...I know it was selfish...but I couldn't stay away any longer...  
Meredith interrupts him.  
Meredith: I'm glad you came back, Derek.  
Derek smiles at her.  
Derek: Me too. I still haven't signed my contract...I wanted to wait to make sure it was okay with you...it's ready...but I still have to sign it..We should go together...I want you to see how serious I am..  
Meredith nods and smiles at him.  
Meredith: Derek?  
Derek: Hmm?  
Meredith: I could only ever be happy with you. You are it for me as well. I love you...but we have to take it slow...I need to take it slow...  
Derek: Of course. Anything for you. I love you.  
Derek holds Meredith as they both drift off into the most peaceful sleep either has had since the last time they slept together. For the first time in what seems like forever, both feel like they have found their home and that home is in the arms of each other.

**sorry about the formatting...I'm too freaking tired to try and fix it right now...tell me what you think...**


	17. Chapter 17

Derek wakes up as Meredith is trying to get out of bed without waking him.  
Derek(in a sleepy voice): Hey, where are you going?  
Meredith jumps at the sound of his voice and turns to face him. He is smiling at her with his head propper up on his elbow.  
Meredith: Ummm...I am going downstairs to get something to drink...do you need anything?  
Instead of responding, Derek swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up. Meredith arches her eyebrow in question.  
Derek: How about I go downstairs with you and start making dinner?  
Meredith: You are going to make me dinner?  
Derek smiles his McDreamy smile as he tilts his head to the side.  
Derek: I have quite a bit to make up for.  
Meredith: Okay.  
They both walk downstairs to find Izzie in the kitchen, baking. She looks between the two of the and looks at Meredith questioningly.  
Meredith: Hey Izz, what is the occasion for all the baking?  
Izzie shrugs.  
Izzie: I was bored.  
Meredith: I don't need you to babysit me. I am fine. You can go back to the hospital if you want or need to.  
Izzie: Are you sure?  
Meredith nods.  
Meredith: I'm sure. Derek is here. If I need anything I'm sure he will be more than happy to oblige.  
Derek nods vigorously and Izzie can't help but to laugh.  
Izzie: Okay...well if you need anythign don't hesitate to call or page me.  
Meredith smiles warmly at her friend. She has been so much help over the past months. She doesn't think she could have done it without her.  
Meredith: Thanks, Izz.  
Izzie: No problem. I'm on call tonight, but George will be here in a couple of hours.  
Meredith nods.  
Meredith: Bye Izz.  
Izzie walks to the door and Derek follows her. Meredith watches him wondering what the hell he is doing. Izzie turns to get her keys and is surprised that he is standing there and she jumps slightly.  
Izzie: You scared the crap out of me, Derek.  
Derek chuckles.  
Derek: Sorry...I just...I wanted to thank you...for being there for her...I...You have no idea how much it means to me to know that she wasn't alone...I really hate myself for not being here...but I'm glad that she hasn't had to do anything alone...  
By the time Derek finishes talking he has tears in his eyes. Izzie places a comforting hand on his shoulder and looks into his eyes.  
Izzie: We were all here for her and the twins and we will always be here for her...but she still felt alone...because she wanted...needed...you. I get it that you didn't know, but you should know that there wasn't a moment when she didn't ache for you...when she didn't need you...when she didn't love you. She tried to hate you, but she couldn't. I'm not telling you this to make you feel any worse, because I know you already feel like shit. I'm telling you this so you never put her through that kind of pain again.  
Derek runs his hand through his hair.  
Derek: I hate myself for hurting her...I really do and if I could promise to never hurt her again...I would...but I don't know that. I do know that I will never leave her again. I can't ever leave her again.  
Izzie smiles warmly at him.  
Izzie: Derek, I'm sure she would rather have you here hurting her than be alone, because it doesn't matter how many people are always around her...you are the only one who makes her feel whole, who makes her feel complete.  
Derek nods.  
Derek: She doesn the same for me. She really doesn.  
Izzie: I know. I know you love her and she loves you and your relationship has always been complicated and now you come back and find out you are a father...but you need to make sure that you let her know that you love HER and that you want to be with her because you love her, not because of an obligation.  
Derek nods.  
Derek: Thanks, Izzie.  
Izzie: No problem.  
Izzie turns to leave but turns back around with her hand on the doorknob.  
Izzie: Derek?  
Derek: Yeah?  
Izzie: If you hurt her or the twins again like you did when you left, I will not hesitate to go trailer park on your ass.  
Derek: Trust me, if I ever hurt her like that again I want you to go trailer park on my ass.  
Izzie: Good. I'm glad we have an understanding.  
Izzie smiles warmly at him before leaving.  
Derek turns around and makes his way back to the kitchen, ready to start making up for the pain he caused Meredith. He knows that dinner won't do it, but he wants to show her how much he loves her. He wants to show her how much he loves her in every way he can. He needs her to know that he loves her. He needs for her to know that she is not alone and that she will never be alone again.  
Derek pushes the door open to the kitchen and Meredith looks up from her reading and smiles at him. He returns the smile and walks over to stand in front of her.  
Derek: Whatcha reading?  
Meredith: Just a medical journal.  
Derek arches his eyebrow.  
Derek: Missing the hospital already?  
Meredith: Already? I've been gone for two months. I was on bed rest for a month before the twins were even born.  
A hurt look crosses Derek's face and she notices. She reaches up and slightly caresses his cheek.  
Meredith: Look at me, Der.  
Derek looks into her eyes and he sees understanding and sympathy reflected in her eyes.  
Meredith: If this is going to work between us, if we are going to try this again, we can't dwell on the past. Now, I am allowed to bring it up in fights and use it to my advantage, but we right now...right now we need to focus on the present...our present and our future.  
Derek smiles at her and reaches up and brushes a strand of hair out of her face.  
Derek: How did I ever get so lucky to find you?  
Meredith smirks.  
Meredith: I honestly have no idea.  
Meredith giggles as Derek pulls her into a warm embrace. He inhales deeply and takes in the scent of her hair. He sighs contentedly. He pulls back and smiles, his smile reaching his eyes for the first time in forever.  
Derek: So, what would you like for dinner?  
Meredith shrugs.  
Meredith: I don't really care, as long as it's not Chinese.  
Derek chuckles.  
Derek: You aren't very hard to please.  
Meredith: I'm just not a picky eater...but I am very hard to please.  
Meredith smirks and Derek starts to say something but thinks better of it. Meredith notices his hesitation and giggles.  
Meredith: Derek, just because we aren't having sex, doesn't mean we can't joke about it...  
Derek (sighing): I know...I just..  
Meredith: I know. But stop it. Stop walking on egg shells...just be yourself. I mean, you can suck up and pamper me, of course, but I still want you to be you.  
Derek grins at Meredith.  
Derek: I love you, you know that right?  
Meredith smirks at him.  
Meredith: I know.  
Meredith goes back to reading the journal as Derek begins to prepare dinner for them. He watches her for a moment without her noticing him. He loves the way that she furrows her brow when in deep concentration and the way she runs her finger up and down the page as she reads. He loves the way that she occasionally mouths the words as she is trying to comprehend a concept. He loves all of these things about her. He loves everything about her, because he loves her. These small things, these ticks, they make her who she is. He appreciates them and takes pleasure in observing them.  
She looks up and finds him observing her. A smile curves the edges of her mouth.  
Meredith: What are you doing?  
Derek smiles broadly at her.  
Derek: Watching you.  
Meredith: I know that. But why?  
Derek: I just...I missed you and I...I want to remember everything...I want to take advantage of every moment...  
Meredith tilts her head to the side and smiles at him.  
Meredith (in a sarcastic tone): That is a bit stalkerish, Derek.  
Derek shrugs.  
Meredith: That's okay though. I think I would like to have you as my stalker.  
Derek arches his eyebrows and smirks.  
Derek: Really now?  
Meredith shrugs.  
Meredith: Don't let it go to your head...your ego is already big enough..  
Derek playfully pouts and Meredith giggles. Just as Derek starts to walk towards Meredith, they hear a cry on the baby monitor. Meredith immediately stands up and starts to walk out of the kitchen. She stops when she is standing in the doorway and she looks back at Derek, who is still watching her.  
Meredith: Why don't you turn off the food and come help me?  
Derek begins to looks excited and hopeful.  
Derek: Seriously?  
Meredith smiles warmly at him and reaches out her hand.  
Meredith: Seriously.  
Derek quickly turns off the oven and walks towards Meredith. He places his hand in hers and they walk upstairs to tend to their children...together.

**This is the last chapter I think where the formatting is like this...sorry...but it is almost 4am..and yeah..I just wanted to get this up..**

**-marci**


	18. Chapter 18

Meredith pushes the door to the nursery open and smiles back at Derek before walking in. Derek inahles deeply before following behind her. This is something that he has been waiting his whole life for. He feels excitement mixed with nervousness. This is going to be the first time that he holds his daughter and his son. Wow. Such a big moment. He doesn't really know how to grasp it. Those two amazingly beautiful children are his and Meredith's and now, now he is going to hold them. He is going to feel them breathing and their heartbeats. He loves the sound of their shrill cries. He loves everything about them.

He watches as Meredith reaches in and pickes up their son, Derek Michael. He smiles to himself as he think about the fact that she named their son after him. That after everything that he did to her she still thought of him and she still loves him. His eyes meet hers as she walks towards him, Michael in her arms. His eyes begin to fill with tears as do hers as Meredith carefully places Michael in the arms of his father for the first time.

Derek cradles the bundle of joy in his arms and pulls him in close to his chest. He wants to be as close to his son as possible without smothering him. He wants his son to know that he loves him, that he will always love him. He looks down at the crying baby and can't help but chuckle at his dark hair and bright blue eyes. He is definately a Shepherd. He has Meredith's nose. That is for sure. He smiles back up at Meredith as she hands him the bottle.

He takes a moment before he begins to feed his son for the first time. He wants to remember everything about this moment, every sight, every sound, every movement, he wants all of these things imprinted on his memory forever. Finally, he places the bottle in Michael's mouth. He can't help but chuckle at his son's eagerness in eating. He watches as he sucks on the bottle, mesmerized by this tiny being. This tiny being that is a part of him. A part of Meredith. A product of their love and need to be together. He looks up at Meredith again and sees her watching him. They both now have tears running down their faces.

Meredith watches as Derek quietly feeds their son. She can't believe she denied him the first four weeks. She can't believe it. She really hates herself for it. Seeing Derek care for their son makes Meredith's heart melt. This is how it is supposed to be. Both of them taking care of their children, together. He looks like such a natural. He is so comfortable and happy. She can see it in his eyes. She feels the tears running down her cheeks as she thinks about the perfection of this moment and how she wishes that it would last forever. He raises his head and she sees the tears in his eyes as well. She smiles warmly at him before walking over to the crib of their daughter.

She reaches down and lifts Maddie out of the crib. She walks over to stand next to the spot where Derek is rocking their son to sleep in his arms. She stands next to him and their eyes meet and both can't help but think that this is their family. Finally, after all of this time they are a family.

Meredith rocks Maddie in her arms, but doesn't begin to feed her. Derek notices this and raises an eyebrow in question.

Meredith (in a whisper): I thought that you would want to feed her.

Derek smiles happily at Meredith and more tears run down his face.

Derek(in a whisper): Thank you.

Meredith(in a whisper): It's no problem. She is your daughter.

Derek looks deep into her eyes.

Derek(in a whisper): No. I mean thank you. Thank you for giving me a family of my own and for being a part of that family. Thank you so much.

Meredith hears the earnestness in his voice and she feels her heart flutter. She watches him as he burps Michael before walking over and placing the now slumbering Michael in his crib. She smiles as Derek places a light kiss on the infant's forehead. He is so natural with his son, like it is something that he has been doing every day for the last four weeks.

Derek(whispering): Daddy loves you, little man.

Derek straightens up and walks over to Meredith, a smile plastered on his face.Meredith smiles warmly at him.

Meredith (in a whisper): Ready to feed your daughter?

Derek smiles broadly at her as Meredith places their daughter in Derek's waiting arms. Derek looks down at Maddie and gently places a kiss on her forehead as he waits for Meredith to hand him the bottle. He proceeds with the feeding just as he did for his son. He imprints every moment in his memory.

He still can't get over the fact that the pink bundle in his arms is his daughter. He has a daughter...and a son. He is a father to two beautiful babies. He already feels his heart swell with pride because of his children. He doesn't want this moment to end. He makes a silent promise to himself to always protect them and care for them.

He glances at Meredith as he walks around the room, rocking his daughter to sleep while feeding her. Their eyes meet and they partake in a silent conversation. Both expressing their happiness at the current moment and their love for the other. Derek walks towards Meredith, Maddie still in his arms, and leans foreward and kisses her on the forehead. This minor contact sends electricity through both of their bodies. Both crave the intimacy they have missed for so long, but both knowing that they need to take things slow.

Meredith sits down in the rocking chair as Derek continues to feed and rock Maddie. She feels her heart swell with pride at her own little family. Derek finishes feeding Maddie and proceeds to burp her. He is so gentle and careful with her, but also so natural. She just can't stop thinking about how natural he is with all of this.

Derek looks at her before he places the now sleeping Maddie in her crib. He leans down and runs his thumb along her cheek before kissing her once more on the forehead.

Derek(in a whisper): Daddy loves you, my little princess.

Derek then walks over to Meredith, who is still sitting in the rocking chair. He sighs as he leans down and kisses her on her hair.

Derek(into her hair): They are amazing. You did good.

Meredith leans back so that she is now looking in his eyes. Derek places each hand on an arm of the chair.

Meredith(in a whisper): We...we did good.

Derek smiles at her as he gets lost in her green eyes. Meredith reaches her hands up and places them on either side of his face. Her skin tingles under the contact as she proceeds the run her fingers along his face. She feels his hot breath on her face, sending chills down her spine.

Meredith(leaning in and in a deep husky voice): Der...

Derek's name rolls off of her tongue like velvet and sends chills down his spine. He cocks his head slightly to the side and leans in. His mouth is not only inches from Meredith's. Both feel their lips twitching in anticipation. Meredith leans forward and closes the gap between their lips. Upon first contact both let out a moan of relief. The kiss begins slow and full of longing before quickly turning into a passionate and hungry kiss.

Meredith runs her tongue along Derek's bottom lip before sucking on it. She runs her fingers through his hair while pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. She opens her mouth slightly, allowing the entrance of his tongue. They moan into each other's mouths, releasing a small amount of the pent up sexual frustrations. Their tongues mesh together as they become reacquainted. They seperate only when they need to catch their breath. Derek leans his forehead against Meredith's as he gently strokes her hair.

Derek: God, I've missed you.

Meredith smiles warmly at him.

Meredith: I've missed you too. I love you.

Derek: I love you too.

Meredith runs her hands up and down Derek's arms that are on either side of her. She loves the feel of his skin under hers. She loves everything about him.

Meredith: We...we should go eat dinner.

Derek smiles warmly at her and nods. He backs up and allows her to stand. She begins to walk towards the door, but stop before exiting. She reaches out her hand to him and he steps forward and eagerly envelops it in his own. He looks back at the cribs.

Derek: Goodnight Derek Michael Shepherd and Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd.

He squeezes Meredith's hand gently before exiting the nursery with her after his first time putting his children to bed. He has a family. He has a family with the woman that he loves most in this world and he couldn't be much happier. The only thing that could make him happier would be to make this woman his forever, but all in good time. One step at a time. One small step at a time.

Derek and Meredith return to the kitchen, neither breaking the silence. Derek can't wipe the smile off of his face. He has never felt this happy before. He has children. He has two beautiful children with the love of his life. He looks and Meredith and sees that she has the same smile on her face. She is happy. She is happy and that makes him happy.

They stand there just staring into each other's happy eyes, the sparkle finally returning to both pairs. The sparkle that has been absent for so long. The sparkle that only they can give to each other.

Meredith's stomach growls and they both burst out laughing.

Derek: Hungry?

Meredith: Apparently.

They smile warmly at each other before Derek returns to cooking.

Derek: It should be ready in about five minutes.

Meredith: Do you need me to do anything?

Derek arches his eyebrow.

Derek: Seriously? You? In the kitchen?

Meredith: Shut up. So I don't cook. Whatever.

Derek chuckles. His cell phone begins to ring. He unlatches it from his belt and answers it.

Derek: Hello, Dr. Shepherd speaking...Hey, Mom, how are you?...I know..I'm sorry...things have been crazy..

Derek glances over at Meredith and questions her with his eyes. She nods her head as she smiles warmly at him.

Derek: Well, I have some news. Big news. Monumental news if you will. No, I'm not dying. What? No. I am a father. Yes. Well, twins. A boy and a girl. Well, Meredith named the boy after me. Yes, Mom, a Derek Junior.

Derek can't help but chuckle. Meredith notices the proud tone in his voice as he speaks to his mother about their children. She can't believe she ever doubted him. She feels the tears begin to build in her eyes as she watches the man she loves talk animatedly to his mother.

She is no longer paying attention to what he is saying, but is watching his face. She is enraptured. The way he lifts his eyebrows when he's excited. The smile that seems to be permanently curving the corners of his lips. The way he randomly runs his hands through his hair. Wait. He's running his hands through his hair. That means he's nervous. What could he be nervous about? She returns her attention to what he is saying.

Derek: But Mom, you really don't need to do that. I know you want to...okay. Fine. Just let me talk to Meredith. Alright. Thank Mom. I am . I am really happy. Love you, too. Okay. Bye.

He looks at Meredith as he says finishes the conversation. He hangs up the phone and looks at Meredith. He looks nervous.

Meredith: What is it?

Derek: It's my Mom.

Meredith: What about her?

Derek: She wants to come and visit.

He sees the panic in Meredith's eyes as he utters these words.

Meredith: I...umm...I...don't really do families Derek.

Derek smiles warmly at Meredith.

Derek: I know. She will love you Meredith.

Meredith: How can you be so sure about that? I mean, seriously, I didn't tell you about the twins. You only found out because you showed up...I mean...she will hate me. You missed the birth and ...she will hate me. Oh God. Oh God.

Derek walks over to stand in front of Meredith.

Derek: Meredith, look at me.

Meredith continues to look at the floor as a few silent tears fall down her cheeks. Derek places his hand under her chin and lifts her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. He takes his thumb and gently wipes away her fallen tears.

Derek (in a loving voice): Meredith, look at me. I love you. You...you are the love of my life.

He flashes his McDreamy smile before continuing.

Derek: My family will love you because I love you. You make me happy. You gave me the greatest gift anyone ever could. Not only did you give me two beautiful children, you gave me your heart.

He pauses for a moment.

Derek: Do I have your heart?

Meredith grabs Derek's hand and places it over her heart.

Meredith: You have always had my heart, Derek.

They both now have tears running down their faces. These tears are not like the tears cried earlier in the day, but these tears are tears of happiness.

Derek, in return, grabs Meredith hand and places it over his heart. Their hearts beat in sync as they no longer exist as individuals, but as one.

Derek: I love you, Meredith Grey. I love you so much that if my family doesn't love you, then there is no way that they can love me. I love you Meredith.

Meredith (in a whisper): I love you, Derek.

Dererk gently caresses Meredith's cheek with his thumb. She looks deep into his eyes.

Meredith: Kiss me, Derek.

Derek smiles and leans forward. He slowly brings his lips into contact with Meredith's. Both feel the other smiling upon contact. They relish in the sensations that are being sent through their bodies at this contact. Meredith places her hand on Derek's cheek and gently caresses his jawline with her thumb as he pushes his tongue past her lips and into her mouth. They both moan into the other's mouths as their tongues come into contact for the first time in months. Derek places his hands on the sides of Meredith's face as he pulls her closer, deepening the kiss.

They want to be close to one another, to feel one another, to taste one another. They finally break apart when breathing becomes a necessity. Derek leans his forehead against Meredith's and looks lovingly into her eyes and he slowly runs his fingers through her hair. Meredith moves her hands to the back of Derek's neck and proceeds to play with his hair. She sighs happily.

Derek: What is it?

Meredith: I..just..I'm happy. I mean really happy.

Derek smiles at her.

Derek: Me too. We are happy. We are a happy family.

Meredith (smiling): Yeah. We are a family.

She sits there for a moment in silence.

Meredith: Derek?

Derek: Mmhmm?

Meredith: I've never really had a family. I mean, I have Cristina, George, Alex, and Izzie, and now the twins but never...

Derek interrupts her.

Derek: You and the twins are my family now Meredith.

Meredith: But what about your Mom and your sisters?

Derek: They are kind of like the other interns are to you. They are my family, but you...you are my family family. You and the twins are the ones that I want to come home from work to. The ones that I want to kiss every night and every morning. But Meredith, I also consider you a part of my bigger family. They will love you and they will love the twins.

Meredith just nods and Derek brushes away a few more fallen tears. He leans forward and kisses her on the forehead. He can't help but think how lucky he is to have Meredith as his family and his heart swells at the thought of one day making her an official member of the Shepherd clan.


	19. Chapter 19

Meredith smiles happily as her and Derek wash the dishes from their meal together. Actually, he is doing all of the washing and she is doing the drying. She feels like a little kid, but it is a great feeling. She can't resist the temptation that the sink full of bubbles offers any longer. She reaches her hand down and scoops up a hand full of bubbles and quickly splashes Derek in the face. He gasps in surprise.

Derek: You got that soapy dirty water in my hair.

Meredith can't help but giggle.

Meredith: Awww...poor baby.

Derek's feigned look of hurt soon turns into a mischevious grin as he grabs the sprayer and points it at Meredith. She opens her mouth in shock.

Meredith: You wouldn't.

Instead of answering, Derek sprays Meredith right in the chest, eliciting a scream from her. However, instead of running away, Meredith reaches forward to attempt to grab the nozzle from Derek. In their struggle, they both get soaking wet and manage to create a mess in the kitchen. They are both laughing and don't recognize when two figures walk into the kitchen.

Izzie: Oh my God. What the hell happened in here?

Meredith jumps and turns around to face her two other roommates. She bites on her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing.

Meredith: We...umm...we did the dishes.

Izzie bursts out laughing.

Izzie: It looks like you two also decided to wash each other.

Derek raises his eyebrow.

Derek: Now...that's an idea.

Meredith elbows him in the ribs.

Derek: Ow! What was that for?

Meredith just shoots him a look, before turning her attention back to her two roommates.

Meredith: What are you guys doing here? I thought you were both on call?

Izzie: We are. Bailey gave us an hour off to come and check on you.

Meredith just sighs.

Meredith: I'm fine. We are fine. I don't need you to check on me all the time.

Izzie: I know...I was just worried.

Meredith sighs again.

Meredith: Look, guys, I know you are trying to protect me and help me and I really do appreciate everything you guys have done..but...

Meredith reaches over and grabs Derek's hand, taking him somewhat by surprise.

Meredith: Derek and I...we need some time to figure this out...together...

Izzie nods, completely understanding. George, however, isn't as understanding.

George: So, the minute McDreamy comes back you push us away? We have been there for you for everything and this is how you thank us? Seriously??

Meredith (hissing): George!! He is their father. He deserves to be here. I want him here. I want us to do this together!

George: Well, what about us? Where do we fit in to your new little family?

Izzie: George!!

George: No, Izzie! I'm done.

Derek: O'Malley...

George: Don't you even start with me! You just show back up and everything is okay again? This is bullshit! You broke her! You broke her and we were the ones to pick up the pieces! You don't just get to come back!

Meredith is now completely pissed off.

Meredith: I do believe that is my call!! I never asked you guys to "pick up the pieces" as you call it. I love him!! I love him and maybe I don't want to waste any more time being angry or sad! Maybe I just want us to be a family. I need for us to be a family. Our kids need us to be a family.

Derek is taken aback by Meredith's speech and he squeezes her hand. He feels the tears begin to build in his eyes. She really loves him.

George: We are your family! You don't need him!

Meredith: YES I DO! Don't you see that? Can't you see that he makes me happy?? I need him!! The twins need him!

Meredith now has tears running down her face. Derek protectively places an arm around her shoulder. She leans into his body and immediately finds comfort.

Izzie (in a hushed voice): George...

George: NO! This is stupid. You are just a stupid whore...should have known that you would instantly jump back in bed with him...

Derek jerks his head up and fire fills his eyes as he looks at George. He clenches his jaw as he begins to speak.

Derek: What did you say?

The room goes deathly silent and Derek's voice sends chills down all of their spines. None of them have ever heard him this angry.

Meredith: It's okay, Derek.

Derek looks at Meredith.

Derek: No, it's not. It's not okay. You are not a whore. No one gets to call you a whore. No one!

Derek looks at George again. George is clearly scared and refuses to meet Derek's eyes.

George: You know what? I'm done with you. I'll be out by the end of the week.

George doesn't wait for a response but turns around and walks out the door, slamming the door on his way out. The sound of the slamming door wakes up the twins. Meredith sighs as she starts to head upstairs. Izzie grabs her elbow.

Izzie: I'm sorry, Meredith. He didn't mean it.

Meredith: It's okay, Izz. I have to go get the twins.

Izzie nods and releases her grip on Meredith. Meredith smiles meakly at Derek before turning around and walking out of the kitchen. Derek runs his hand through his hair before looking at Izzie.

Derek: She didn't deserve that. I might have, but she didn't.

Izzie: I know. I won't even try to defend George. Look I have to get back to work. Take care of her?

Derek: Of course. I plan on taking care of her for the rest of our lives.

Izzie smiles warmly at Derek.

Izzie: Good. I'm glad you're back.

Derek: Me too.

Izzie: See you later.

Derek: Later.

Izzie leaves Derek alone in the kitchen. He sighs and is about to head upstairs to Meredith when he hears her voice over the baby monitor.

Meredith: Hello babies. Mommy loves you. Shhh...it's okay. I'm sorry Uncle George was loud. It's okay. Daddy loves you too. Everything will be okay. Do you want mommy to sing to you? Okay. Shhh..

Derek's heart swells as he hears Meredith talking to their children. She is already a great mom. He is so proud of her. His heart swells even more as her melodic voice floats through the monitor as she sings to the twins. He didn't know that she could sing so well.

He slowly makes his way upstairs and leans against the doorway of the nursery. He doesn't want to disturb her. She has Madeline in her arms and is gently rocking her. Meredith turns around and meets his eyes. She smiles at him.

Meredith (in a whisper): Michael is awake if you want to get him.

Derek (in a whisper): I would love to.

Derek walks over and gently lifts his son out of the bed. He slowly rocks him in a similar manner to Meredith. He walks over to stand next to her.

Derek: I am so proud of you.

Meredith: For what?

Derek: You have done an amazing job with our children.

Meredith: I..well..I had help..

Derek: Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you are an amazing mother...

She looks at him with tears in her eyes.

Meredith: Thank you for that. I just hope that it will always be this way..

Derek: What way?

Meredith: Perfect.

Derek smiles.

Derek: It may not always be perfect, but at least we will always have each other.

Meredith: Promise?

Derek: Promise.

Meredith is able to get Madeline back to sleep quicker than Derek can get Michael to sleep. Meredith walks over and gently places Maddie into her crib. She smiles at Derek before leaving him alone in the nursery with the twins.

Meredith is still stunned at the outburst from George. He was just so...mean. Doesn't he understand. Doesn't he get it that Derek is the love of her life? Is that what everyone thinks? That she is a whore? Derek called her one before, but she thought that was because he was jealous. Oh my God, is George jealous? Why would he be jealous?

Meredith's mouth falls open at the thought. But...he has Callie. Meredith curls up in a ball on the bed. She doesn't get it. Just when everything is going so well in one area, why does the other have to go to shit?

Yes, she considers the other interns her family. Well, one of her families. But Derek, Derek is her soul mate. He is her family in a way that the other interns never will be. Meredith doesn't notice when the tears start to fall down her cheeks. She doesn't notice when the door to her bedroom opens. She doesn't notice as Derek walks across the room. She only becomes aware of his presence as she feels him wrap his strong arms around her small body and pull her closer to himself.

Meredith suddenly feels her body relax and melt into his.

Meredith: Do you really think that I'm a whore?

These words cut through Derek like a dull, rusty scalpel. He turns her around in his arms, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

Derek (in a stern voice): You, Meredith Grey, are not a whore.

Meredith: But..

Derek: I know that I once called you that, but don't you see? I was jealous. I was insanely jealous that someone else was putting their hands on you. They were putting their hands on you when I couldn't.

Meredith: But you don't get jealous.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: I have never been a jealous man. Not until I met you. You make me feel things that I never thought possible.

Meredith glances down as Derek begins to slowly caress her cheek with his thumb.

Derek: George had no right. He was way out of line. I can kick his ass if you want me too?

Meredith giggles. Derek smiles as that sound enters his ears. He loves the sound of her giggle.

Meredith: That's okay. I would hate for him to end up in the hospital.

They fall into a comfortable silence. Derek begins to rub small circles on her back. It feels as if he never left, as if Addison never showed up. It feels perfect. Like this is where they are supposed to be, this is where they should have been all of these months, in each other's arms.

Meredith (in a soft voice): Maybe it's for the best.

Derek: What?

Meredith: George moving out. Maybe it's for the best. I mean, the twins will grow up before our eyes and we can't really have them sharing a room after they reach a certain age..plus...I...

Meredith pauses. Derek looks at her expectantly.

Derek: You what?

Meredith: I want you to be here for everything.

Derek smiles.

Derek: Good, because I want to be here for everything.

Meredith bites on her bottom lip.

Meredith: I was thinking, after George moves out, maybe we could turn that room into a guest room...for you...

Derek: Seriously?

Meredith: Yeah..I mean...

Derek: You want me to move in?

Meredith: For the children. Yes. I...

Derek: Of course. For the children.

Meredith: Can I ask you something?

Derek: Anything.

Meredith: Do you find yourself just wanting to jump back in? I mean, we are taking it slow, but slow...slow seems so hard right now.

Derek smiles into her hair before pulling back and looking in her eyes.

Derek: I would love to jump back in and us be a happy family. I mean, I already consider us a happy family, but I would love to be with you. I mean really be with you.

Derek brushes a stray strand of hair out of her face.

Derek: I can't wait to make love to you again, to hold you in my arms all night and listen to the sound of your breathing. I can't wait to marry you, to grow old with you, build a life with you. But I will wait...I will wait for you...as long as you need...I understand that you need to take it slow...but you need to know...you are it for me...I will tell you that as many times as I have to...We can take it as slow as you need, because as long as I'm here...with you and our beautiful children, we are already a happy family.

Meredith now has tears running down her face. Derek reaches up and wipes them away.

Meredith: I love you. I love you so much.

Derek leans forward and kisses her on the forehead.

Derek: I love you too.

Meredith (after a couple of minutes of silence): So, you are moving in...

Derek sighs in content.

Derek: I am moving in...

Meredith: Good.

Derek: I've been thinking...

Meredith: About?

Derek: About our future...and all that land...

Meredith: It's beautiful land. You shouldn't get rid of it.

Derek: I don't want to get rid of it. I want to build us a house on it.

Meredith leans back and looks him in the eyes. She can see the sincerity and love that resides in his bright blue orbs.

Derek: So, what do you think?

Meredith: I think it is a great idea.

Derek smiles.

Derek: Seriously??

Meredith: Seriously.

Meredith smiles as she nuzzles into Derek's chest.

Meredith: Now, let's try to get some sleep before the twins wake up.

Derek chuckles as he wraps his arms tighter around Meredith, afraid that if he loosens his grip she will fade away. They both fall asleep with smiles on their faces as they both build their castles in the air.


	20. Chapter 20

Meredith wakes up from her sleep and immediately misses the warmth of Derek's masculine body. She rolls over and looks around the dark room only to discover that he's not there. It takes a moment for the voice over the baby monitor to register.

Derek(over the baby monitor): Hey baby girl...you are daddy's little princess...yes you are...I fully intend on spoiling you..

Meredith picks up the baby monitor and just listens, a contented smile forming on her face.

Derek: Daddy is so sorry that he hasn't been here...I love you both so much..and your mommy...

Meredith notices the change in Derek's voice as he begins to talk about her. His voice is almost jumping with reverence and love and she can imagine the sparkle in his eyes.

Derek: Daddy loves you mommy so much. She is the love of my life and we are all going to be a big happy family one day. I promise. Daddy has to work hard to make things right but I promise to do everything possible to make the three of you happy...because you are my life. I love you guys so much.

Meredith can hear the emotion straining Derek's voice and is suprised when she feels a warm tear running down her cheek. She reaches up and slowly wipes it away. She hears Derek moving around the nursery. She assumes that he is changing the twins. She leans back against the headboard as she listens and can't help but think how after only one day he is already such a natural. He is already a great father. She knew he would be, but this just confirms that. He wouldn't be him if he wasn't.

Derek: Good night, Maddie and Derek Jr. Daddy will see you in the morning. Sweet dreams.

She smiles at Derek's calling his son by his first name. She hears Derek gently close the nursery door and she hears his long stride as he walks from the nursery back to her room. She is no longer hearing these things over the baby monitor. She sits the monitor back down on the bedside table and stares expectantly at the door.

Excitement mounts as she notices a slight movement of the door handle, he is trying not to wake her. Excitement. Wow. She hasn't felt this kind of excitement for so long. It's still there. The passion,the love, the desire, all of it. It's still there. He still has her heart, which is why at this moment it feels as if it has stopped beating. Time has stopped as she waits for the man she loves to come back from taking care of their children and get back in bed with her. Slow? Who was she kidding? They don't do slow. They have never been able to do slow. Their passion and desire is too intense. Their love too great.

She hearself gasp as he pushes the door slowly open and her green eyes clash with his blues. He jerks his head in surprise at finding her wide awake, but his surprise quickly subsides as a smile overtakes his countenance. Meredith finally releases the breath she didn't realize that she was holding.

Meredith (in a whisper): Hey.

Derek(in a whisper): Hey.

Meredith: How are they?

A look of pride and happiness fills his eyes.

Derek: Perfect. They are absolutely perfect.

Derek walks back over to the bed and slowly climbs in, his eyes never leaving Meredith's.

Meredith: They have your eyes and hair.

Derek smiles.

Derek: They have your nose.

Meredith: They are perfect.

Derek sighs contentedly.

Derek: Yes, they are.

Meredith: They are our McBabies.

Derek chuckles.

Meredith reaches up and places her hand on Derek's cheek. He leans into her touch. Both find their skin erupting into goosebumps at this simple, light touch. The sexual tension fills the air as Meredith traces Derek's jawline gently with her thumb, her skin becoming electrified by the sensations of feeling his rough stubble under her soft skin. She leans in closer to him. Derek glances down at her lips and suddenly feels his own desire intensifying. He looks back up to meet her eyes and sees that they are dark with desire.

Meredith (somewhat breathless): You know how I said we should take it slow?

Derek nods, the ability of speech having left him for the moment.

Meredith: Yeah, not going to happen.

Derek arches his eyebrow as he looks into her eyes. He sees the desire there but doesn't want to take advantage.

Derek: Are you sure?

Meredith runs her hand over his cheek and through his hair while leaning even closer to him. Their mouths are now only inches apart. Derek can feel her hot breath against his face and he feels like he is inhaling the sweetest scent, besides her hair of course. He touches her cheek lightly with his hand before intwining his fingers with hers that have come to rest on his chest. She is feeling his heart beat. Every moment occurs in slow motion as time appears to stand still. Neither want to rush in everything and both want to savor every moment, every touch, every taste, every sensation. Meredith leans forward even further so that her lips are mere centimeters from his. Their eyes are not locked on the lips of the other, but connected in a gaze that penetrates deep into their souls.

Meredith: I'm sure.

With these words Meredith lightly brushes her lips against Derek's, sighing in the relief of once again feeling his lips on hers. They both begin to feel the intense despair of needing the other.

Derek: I love you. I love you so much.

Meredith answers by crashing her lips against Derek's harder this time. Derek runs his fingers throuh her soft hair. He runs his tongue over her lips that amazingly taste like strawberries. Once his hands find the back of her neck he pulls her closer, deepening the kiss as he plunges his tongue past the barrier of her lips and into the depths of her mouth. His tongue meets hers as they seek to relearn every part of the other's mouth.

Meredith tangles her fingers in Derek's mess of curls as she desperately hangs on, almost as if she is afraid to let go. Derek moves his hand from the back of her neck, down her back along her spine, finally cupping her ass and pulling her closer. She feels his erection against the stomach and rubs against him, causing him to groan into her mouth. They finally break apart when the need for oxygen forces them apart. Derek rests his forehead against Meredith's as he runs his hand up and down her side.

Derek: I have missed you. I have missed you so damn much.

Meredith reaches up and plays with stray curl that is resting on his forehead.

Meredith: I have missed me. I have missed me because I'm not me without you. You make me who I am. I love you and I missed you. You better not ever leave me again.

Derek pulls Meredith's body closer in a loving embrace. He holds her close for a few minutes, both can hear the fast beating hearts of the other. The hearts that seem to be connected by an invisible lifeline that supplies each with the passion, love, and desire for the other. Those things which make them live, that make them love. Those things which flow from their hearts and through their arteries to every square inch of their bodies. Those things that make them one half of the whole, because neither is whole without the other.

When Derek finally releases Meredith, he has tears running down his face. Meredith is shocked as she leans up and gently kisses them away. She gently caresses his cheek with her fingers.

Meredith: Der, what is it?

Derek: I love you, Meredith. I love you and I promise that I am never going to leave you again. I promise.

Derek leans forward and captures Meredith's lips, in a brief kiss filled with the intense passion which is coursing through his body. Derek pulls away and looks into her eyes. He sees the love and forgiveness in her eyes. He knows that it is soon, and he knows that he should wait, but he doesn't want to waste another moment apart from the love of his life.

Derek: I know it is still soon Mer, but I don't want to waste another minute of my life without you by my side. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you by my side and I don't want to fall asleep one more night without you in my arms. You have become my life support, Meredith. Without you, I become the shell of a person. You saved me once, but ever since that time you have saved me every single day. Just the scent of your hair, or the sight of your tiny ineffectual fists, or you bossing me around, or simply your smile...all of these things and so many more continue to save me. I love you so much, Meredith Grey.

Meredith now has tears running down her cheeks as she searches his eyes.

Meredith: What are you saying Derek?

Derek engulfs both of her hands in his as he pulls them up to his mouth. He kisses each hand while maintaining eye contact with her. He lowers her hands just a bit so that they rest on his chin.

Derek: I am asking you, Meredith Ellis Grey, to make my life complete, to continue to be my life support for the rest of our lives. I am asking you, Meredith Grey, to become my wife, to become Meredith Ellis Shepherd. Will you marry me?

**Sorry sorry sorry sorry this took so long. I posted two chapters in this one. I lost the file and then the link and had to search for it on the web. My life is crazy right now, but there should be another chapter posted on Tuesday night. **

**About the proposal, I know this seems abrupt, but all they have thought about while they were apart is each other and their love for each other. They both know they need each other.**

**-Marci**


	21. Chapter 21

_Will you marry me?_

Meredith sits there in shock. She doesn't know what to think. She can't believe he just asked her to marry him. She looks at Derek and realizes that she must have been silent for a while because of the nervous look that has begun to spread across his face. She reaches her hand up and runs her fingers lightly over his lips as she leans in closer. When she does speak, her lips are mere centimeters from Derek's and he can feel her warm breath and the vibrations of her voice against his lips.

Meredith: Seriously??

Derek chuckles nervously.

Derek: Seriously.

Meredith (in a voice louder than what she intends): Yes! Yes, of course I will marry you!

They both laugh through the tears that have begun to fall from both of their eyes. Derek leans forward and presses his lips against Meredith's. He pulls away before deepening the kiss.

Derek: I love you, Meredith Grey.

Meredith: I love you, Derek Shepherd.

They both reach up and wipe away the remnants of their tears of happiness. This is what they both want. This is all that they need. Each other. And now, now they have each other for forever. Derek leans in and kisses Meredith again.

Derek (in an awestruck voice): You are my fiance.

Meredith giggles.

Meredith: Why yes I am, and you are mine.

Derek: I am yours. For forever.

Meredith: For forever.

Derek leans in and kisses Meredith deeply, his tongue exploring the depths of her mouth, wanting to savor every distinct taste. He shifts his body closer to hers as he runs his hands through her hair. Her hands works through his tangle of curls and rest at the back of his neck, dark hair clutched tightly in their grasp. When they finally break apart, they are breathless. Silly grins are plastered on both of their faces.

Derek: You are going to be my wife.

Meredith: You are going to be my husband.

They sit in silence, just staring at each other, getting lost in the moment.

Meredith: I finally have a family.

Derek reaches up and gently caresses Meredith's cheek.

Derek: Yes. You have a family. We...we have a family.

Meredith smiles as the tears begin to fill her eyes again. Derek reaches up and wipes away the lone tear that trails down her cheek.

Meredith: Derek?

Derek: Mmhmm?

Meredith: Make love to me, Derek.

Derek looks at her intently.

Derek: Are you sure? I mean, isn't it a little soon after the birth..

Meredith giggles as she places her finger over his lips.

Meredith: Shh..I'm sure. I'm fine. I...I want you, Derek. I need you.

Derek(husky voice): I need you too, Meredith. Oh God, do I need you.

Derek leans in and crashes his lips against Meredith's. He sucks on her bottom lip before nipping it lightly. Meredith moans as he thrusts his tongue into her mouth. She pulls his body closer to hers and feels his erection against her stomach. Derek rolls her over onto her back as his mouth moves from her mouth. He places small kisses on either side of her mouth before moving to her neck. She moans as Derek nips at her collar bone. She lifts her hips off of the bed and rubs them against his erection. He groans.

Derek (breathless): Mer...

Meredith (breathless): Der...I need to feel you inside of me...please...I...

Derek silences Meredith by covering her mouth with his. His hands move up under her shirt and he gently caresses her stomach. His heart aches as he thinks about missing seeing her pregnant, missing feeling them move under her soft flesh. He gently raises her shirt and breaks the contact with her lips to remove the article of clothing.

He gasps as he looks at her transformed body. Suddenly, Meredith feels uncomfortable. He notices her discomfort.

Derek: You are so beautiful. You...wow..Mer...I can't...wow...

Meredith blushes as Derek moves his hands over her stomach. She gasps in pleasure as he begins to gently massage her breasts through her bra. She reaches down and tugs on the hem of his shirt. He lifts up and quickly removes the aritcle of clothing. She runs her hands over her chiseled chest. He shivers under her touch.

Meredith: I have missed touching you, feeling you, smelling you. I have missed you.

Derek leans down and Meredith gasps as she feels his bare chest against her skin.

Derek: I have missed feeling your touch, breathing you in, feeling you around me. I have missed you.

Derek reaches around and unhooks Meredith's bra, releasing her larger breasts. These are new to Derek. He looks down at them in awe. He runs his finger lightly over the soft skin before brushing the pads of his thumbs over her nipples. Her breathing become shallow. It has been too long. It has been too long since she has been with him. It has been to long. It has been too long since he has been with her.

He leans down and brushes her tongue lightly over each of her nipples. He takes one nipple into his mouth, sucking on it for a few moments before biting down gently, eliciting a pleasurable moan from Meredith. Derek feels his desire bubbling under his skin, intensifying with every moment, every touch, every sound.

He hooks his thumbs under the waistband of both her sweats and her panties. He blows his hot breath against her skin as he slowly and tantalizingly pulls down her last articles of clothing. Her skin erupts in goosebumps. She is full of anticipation, desire, love, and passion. So many emotions run thruogh her that her mind seems to have stopped working and her heart reigns supreme.

Derek makes his way back up her body and finds her mouth. She feels his erection through the thin material of his pajamas rubbing against her core. She reaches down and pushes the boxers down as far as she can manage. When her hands can do no more, she brings her feet up to finish the work, in the process providing Derek with the perfect entrance. He reaches down and inserts a finger into her warm, wet folds to make sure that she is ready. She gasps.

Meredith: Now, Derek!

Derek doesn't need anymore prompting. He slowly inserts his throbbing manhood into her heated core. Both moan in pleasure as their bodies are connected both in body and in spirit. Derek looks deep into her eyes, both pair overflowing with love.

Derek: Are you okay?

Meredith nods vigorously.

Derek begins to thrust into her slowly, wanting to be careful not to hurt her while also wanting to take his time to memorize every moment of their reunion.

Meredith (panting): Faster, Derek. Please.

Derek grunts as he begins to thrust into her faster, still holding back. His body aches from the restraint, but he doesn't care. He does not want to hurt her anymore than he already has. Meredith's nails dig into his back, encouraging him to continue.

Meredith: Harder!

Derek finally lets go and begins to put all of his love and all of his desire behind each thrust. He wants to make her feel good. He wants to make her come. He feels her walls begin to tighten around him as her nails dig deeper into his skin.

Meredith: Oh God, Der...I'm...Shit...wow...mmmm...ahhhh..Der...I'm...I'm...shitttttt...

Meredith's body begins to shudder as the first wave of her orgasm hits. Derek can't hold back anymore as his body starts to tremble as he thurst into her one final time, spilling into her while they simulatenously cry out the name of the other in pleasure. They lay there for a moment, bodies and spirits still connected, bodies glistening with sweat. Derek's face is buried in Meredith's neck as her hands run up and down Derek's muscled back. She loved the way his back muscles twitch under her hands, especially after sex. Both are struggling to normalize their breathing and to clear the clouds that seem to have overtaken their consciousness.

Meredith: That was...

Derek: Wow...

Meredith: Yeah...

Derek finally rolls off of Meredith, but gathers her into his arms, not ready nor wanting to let her go. He runs his hands up and down her naked, sweaty body.

Derek: I love you.

Meredith: I love you too.

They both drift off into the most peaceful sleep they have had in a while, smiles plastered on their faces as they cling to each other, dreaming of their future as a family, as husband and wife.


	22. Chapter 22

Meredith moves her hands slowly over Derek's bare chest and abdomen, relishing in the moment of their close contact, fearing that somehow it is all too good to be true. Derek is looking down and watching her, a smile plastered on his face as his hand slowly moves up and down her spine. This is how it is supposed to be. He can't believe that he has missed this for so long. How could he have been so stupid? He has always known that it was her.

Words aren't really needed right now in the post-coital glow that seems to have taken over the atmosphere. Both feel a sense of relief, as if they have been underwater for months and are finally able to break the still, stagnant surface of the water are breathe in their oxygen, each other. Words. What do words really mean, anyways? They have never been too good with words, communicating instead with their eyes and with their bodies. Their eyes seem to have the ability to look into each other's souls and decipher all the phrases that lie hidden deep in the depths of their hearts. Their bodies, the communication between their bodies has developed into a sort of rythmic dance. A dance that seems to be reinvented each time they they meet as the songs change. A dance that finds its roots in both their hearts and their animalic nature.

Meredith's fingers trail down the small, dark line of hair that runs down the center of Derek's abdomen. She loves his happy trail and she loves the way that his toned muslces feel under her tiny fingers. She instinctively cuddles further into his body, relishing in the warmth that she never thought she would feel again. She has been cold for so long, missing him, needing him. The warmth to her is as welcome as the needed oxygen. She needs his warmth. She needs his strong arms to protect her, to comfort her. With the cold came a certain numbness, a sort of surrender to the inevitable. When he left, when he left she gave up on ever finding love again. She gave up because she knew that when he left, he took her heart with her. She gave up because she knew that the only way she would ever find love again was if she found him again.

Derek relishes in the feeling of each vertebra under his strong fingers as his hand slowly makes its way up and down her spinal column. She is strong. He has always known that she is strong. It is one of the things that he admires, loves about her. He inhales deeply and the scent of lavender fills his lungs, her scent, his oxygen. In less than a day, he has gotten everything that he has ever wanted. He has the love of his life lying in his arms, his fiance. He can't help but smile at that thought. Meredith Grey is his fiance. She is going to marry him. She is going to be his wife.

Not only is Meredith going to marry him, but she has already given him two wonderful children. He wishes that he could have been there for her, through it all. He hates that he wasn't there for her. He thought he was doing the right thing, leaving her to be happy. He can't believe that she has already forgiven him. He can't believe it. His children are beautiful and amazing, and his fiance...she is the love of his life and the mother of his children. He keeps running through these things in his head, still unable to grasp them. He is afraid that if he closes his eyes he will wake up only to learn that this past day was all a dream. That Meredith really isn't lying in his arms, running her fingers gingerly over his abdomen.

He tightens his grip on her as she moves closer into his body. She is his warmth, his home, his everything. He loves her so much. He can't wait to make her his wife. He can't wait to introduce her to his family. His sisters can be harsh, but his mother, his mother will love Meredith. She will love Meredith because he loves Meredith.

Derek (in a low husky voice): Mer...

Surprisingly, the words do not cut through the silence. They seem to float down to her ears and into her heart. She lazily looks up at him with heavy eyes and instantly meets his. He is smiling and she can't help but smile in return.

Meredith: Mmhmm?

Derek: Tell me about them.

Meredith is a little surprised by his question, but his words tug at her heart. Meredith's smile broadens and she moves her body up the bed so that her forehead rests against his. She wants to be as close to him as possible.

Meredith: Well, they are still young but already they have strong personalities. Micheal reminds me of you. He seems shy and he is pretty quiet, but he also seems to have this confidence. He is not going to have a problem with the girls when he gets older. I bet he inherits your trademark look.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: And what look would that be?

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: You know, the McDreamy look. The one where you slightly tilt your head to the side and you look deep into my eyes and then smile. Not just any smile, no, the smile that travels all the way to your eyes and causes them to twinkle. Usually, if you speak, you can even hear the smile in your voice.

Derek is a bit surprised by how well Meredith knows his mannerisms, but then he realizes that he shouldn't be. He knows hers just as well.

Derek nods, encouraging her to continue.

Meredith: Well, Maddie, Maddie can be a bit studdorn. Sometimes she will refuse to eat if you don't hold her the right way or if you don't talk to her. She is louder than Michael and I think she will be able to fend for herself. If they have trouble sleeping, you can put them in the same crib and it's like they find comfort in each other. They know that they aren't alone and that they will never be alone because they will always have each other..and us, of course.

Derek leans forward and lightly brushes his lips against hers.

Derek: Yes, they will always have us. Thank you.

Meredith: For what?

Derek: For telling me about them, for forgiving me, for loving me, for letting me back in, for agreeing to marry me...for being you...for everything. I just...I love you so much...I couldn't imagine this with anyone else. I love you and I can't wait to make you my wife.

Meredith smiles at him and leans in so that her lips are only centimeters from him.

Meredith: I couldn't not do those things. I love you. I love you so much that I couldn't imagine this with anyone else either. It has always been you, Derek Shepherd. It has always been you.

Derek and Meredith allow their emotions for overtake them as their lips crash together in a kiss filled with love and passion. Their bodies react to each other as they spend the night practicing the dance that they have perfected, all the while their babies sleeping soundly through the night as their parents reunite several time, christening their first night spent together as a family.


	23. Chapter 23

**Sorry this took so long...I actually lost the story...but someone was kind enough to dig it up on an old site...so...here ya go :D Hope you like it. **

**-Marci**

Meredith awakes as she feels the warmth of the sun on her bare skin. She sighs as she remembers last night and she smiles as she feels Derek's grip on her tighten, bringing her body closer to his. He buries his face into her long tresses. She nuzzles further into his body, relishing the moment.

Derek (in a husky voice): Good morning, fiance.

Meredith giggles.

Meredith: Good morning, fiance.

Derek; So, they slept through the night...

Meredith: Yeah, they have been for a couple of days night.

Derek: Mmmm.

Meredith turns around in his arms so that she is now facing him. He leans forward and brushes his lips gently across hers while his fingers make their way through her sweet scented locks. She reaches out her hand and runs her fingers along his jawline and over his morning stubble.

Meredith: I love you.

Derek smiles broadly.

Derek: I love you too.

Meredith: Do you have to work today?

Derek: No. I don't. I do need to go sign my contract though. What do you have planned?

Meredith: Well, the twins have their check up today. I was wondering...

Derek looks deep into her eyes as she begins to bite on her bottom lip.

Derek: What were you wondering?

Meredith: I was wondering if you would like to go to the appointment with us?

A huge smile spreads across Derek's face, reaching up to his eyes. He pulls Meredith's body even closer to him.

Derek: There is nothing more that I would love to do today than go with you to the twins appointment.

Meredith: Really??

Derek: Really. We can stop by the Chief's office while we are there are sign my contract. I really want you to be there.

Meredith: I want to be there, but why do you want me there?

Derek grabs Meredith's hands and pulls it up to his lips, placing a soft kiss on each of her knuckles.

Derek: Because, from now on I want to share everything with you, to do everything with you. This is a big deal and I want to share it with you.

Meredith smiles as she leans forward and places a kiss on the side of his mouth.

Meredith: Good.

Derek: Yeah...

They remain in silence for a minute.

Derek: I was thinking, maybe I could talk to Richard about not having my contract come into effect for a couple of weeks...that way I could spend some time with you and the twins, maybe start under contract when you come back to work..

Meredith: You really want to do that?

Derek: I really want to do that. I want to know them, Mer. I want to be there and I want them to know me. Plus, I want us to make up for lost time.

Meredith (smiling): I would like that.

Derek: Okay then.

Meredith looks deep into Derek's eyes, seeing the love and devotion that he feels towards her. Suddenly, something enters her mind. Her eyes get wide and she jerks her head back. Derek looks at her concerned.

Meredith: SHIT!

Derek reaches out and begins to rub his hand up and down her arm.

Derek: Mer, babe, what is it?

Meredith: Shit! Shit! Shit! I can't believe this. I can't freaking believe this!

Derek: What is it?

Meredith: I'm not on birth control, Derek. I'm not on birth control and last night, we threw the damn condom ad out the window. SHIT! I can't...I can't...I...I...

Derek pulls her body closer to his and rubs his hand up and down her back.

Derek: Shh...everything will be okay, Mer.

Meredith: You don't know that! I can't...I am not ready to be pregnant again, Derek. I'm not ready for that again.

Derek: You may not be.

Meredith laughs sarcastically.

Meredith: Yeah, right. The last time that we had unprotected sex, twins were the result. Last night was like a freaking marathon, Derek. You must have the strongest little swimmers. Seriously! I can't...I can't...I'm not ready for this again...

Derek: Mer, look at me.

Meredith finally looks Derek in the eyes. She doesn't see anger. She just sees love.

Derek: I love you, Mer and if you are pregnant again, if, because you may not be, if you are we will do it together. I promise I will not leave your side. I promise that I will be there for everything. I promise.

Meredith feels slightly better.

Meredith: I just...I'm not ready for this again, Derek. I mean...The twins wouldn't even be one, that is just crazy..and my hormone levels are still crazy...which increases my chances...oh my God...I'm more fertile now than I was at prom...shit...I am not a baby factory...

Derek chuckles.

Derek: I know you're not, babe. I know.

Derek pulls Meredith even closer and he finally feels her body begin to relax in his arms. It is a few minutes before she mumbles into his chest.

Meredith: The next time your soldier decides to fire his ammunition, he better be wearing a damn raincoat.

Derek chuckles as the sounds of whimpering coming from the nursery cut through the air. Meredith leans back.

Meredith: Duty calls.

Meredith climbs out of bed and pulls on a robe. She is surprised when she turns around and sees Derek pulling on a pair of boxers. She raises her eyebrow at him in question. He simply reaches out his hand to her.

Derek: I told you we are going to be doing things together from now on.

Meredith smiles as she slips her tiny hand into Derek's and they walk out of the bedroom to take care of their children, the anxieties of a possible pregnancy pushed to the back of her mind.


	24. Chapter 24

Meredith sits in the passenger seat as Derek drives her and the twins to the hospital for their check-up. She nervously wrings her hands. She can't be pregnant. She is not ready for this. Not now. Not yet. She looks over at Derek tentatively. She bites on her bottom lip.

Derek; What?

Meredith jumps at the sound of his voice. She wasn't expecting him to speak. She didn't think he would notice her watching him. Of course he would, he is Derek. He has always had a sixth sense when it comes to her. Well, almost always.

Meredith: N...nothing.

Derek glances over at her quickly, immediately noticing her nervousness.

Derek: It's not nothing.

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: It's just...I really can't...Derek...I mean...If...I just..I can't...

Derek chuckles.

Derek: Just tell me.

Meredith: Promise me something first.

Derek: What?

Meredith: Promise me you won't get mad?

This gets Derek's attention, but he is determined to keep his eyes on the road. His children and the love of his life are in the car, the last thing he needs is to get them into an accident because he is distracted

Derek: You are making me nervous, Mer.

Meredith: Just promise me.

Derek: I can promise that I will not get angry, but I can't promise that I won't be upset...

Meredith: Fair enough. Just...

Derek: What?

Meredith (almost in a whisper): Don't leave me...us..again...

Derek sharply inhales. He looks over his shoulder and pulls off of the road. He puts the car in park and looks over at Meredith, sincerity and pain in his eyes, fear and nervousness in hers. He moves his hand up and gently caresses her cheek, like it's something that he wants to do everyday for the rest of their lives. She reacts immediately to his touch, leaning into his hand.

Derek (in a stern, loving voice): Mer, I will never leave you, or our children, again. I promise that. I promise that you will never be able again. I will always be by your side. I promise. You have to believe me. I need for you to believe me.

Meredith (barely audible): I'm trying, Derek. I am really trying.

Derek sighs.

Derek: That is all I can ask for right now. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm here. I'm here for good and no matter how much you may try to get rid of me, I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Through thick and thin, the good and the bad...all of it. I'm here.

Meredith just nods silently.

Derek: Now, tell me what is bothering you.

Meredith gulps, fearing his reaction.

Meredith (in a shaky voice): I was thinking...I was just thinking that maybe when we take the boys for their check-up I just might go talk to Addison and see if maybe she could maybe umm...maybe she might be able to give me..the umm...the morning after pill...it's not that I don't want to have any more children with you Derek, because I've thought about it...I thought about it this morning when I was watching you feed the twins and take care of them...and I do...eventually..but just not now...I'm not ready...I...eventually...I want you to be there with me through everything...the pregnancy..the morning sickness, the hormones, the cravings, the doctor's appointments, the birth...I want you there for that because you missed it this time...I just thought that maybe I might ask Addison because Derek I'm really not ready..I just can't...not when the twins won't even be one...so please don't be mad at me, Derek...I just...

Derek had tried to speak many times during Meredith's little speech, but she kept talking. Finally, he interrupts her rambling.

Derek (loudly): Meredith!

Meredith suddenly stops what she is saying and looks at him. Derek smiles warmly at her rambling, also letting her know that he isn't angry.

Derek: You are rambling.

Meredith (mumbling): Sorry.

Derek: Don't be. I find it endearing.

Derek brushes a strand of hair out of her face as he sighs.

Derek: Mer, if that is what you want I will fully support you. I understand. I do. You are right, three children under the age of one would be incredibly difficult, especially with our schedules, but we could do it, if you wanted to. I support whatever choice you make. I am not angry. I could not be angry at you for this. It is your body and I understand.

Meredith tries to speak, but Derek places his finger on her lips, preventing her from speaking. Derek's eyes begin to water as he speaks his next few sentences.

Derek: I also want to say how happy it makes me that you want to give me even more children, which is more than I deserve. I would love to have more children with you, Mer. I want to be there for it all. I want to hold your hair and rub your back when you have morning sickness, I want to go out at three am to fetch whatever weird thing you may be craving, I want to share the joy of hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and I want to hold you hold and breathe with you as you give birth to our child. I want all of those things. I do, but only when you are ready and only if that is what you want. I want what you want. I love you, Meredith Grey.

Meredith finally lets the sob she has been holding back escape as she leans her forehead against Derek's chest. He gently rubs her back as he kisses her hair. After a few minutes Meredith leans up and looks at him, her eyes reflecting happiness and love through their redness.

Meredith: I'm okay.

Derek: You're okay.

Derek puts the car into drive and continues the drive to the hospital, excited to show off his children for the first time.

Meredith: Thank you, Derek.

Derek looks over at her and smiles quickly.

Derek: For what?

Meredith: For being you.

**I want to invite everyone to join my board, the on call room. The link is in my profile and I hope to see you all there! :D**

**-Marci**


	25. Chapter 25

They pull into the hospital parking lot, Derek already feeling the excitement building as he is about to show off the twins. He knows that everyone has already seen them. He knows this, but this is the first time that _he_ gets to introduce them as his children. His children. Has a nice ring to it. He looks over at Meredith, who is watching him closely. She has a huge smile on her face and tears in her eyes. She can't believe it. They are a family. A real family. Derek grabs her hand and squeezes it gently.

Derek: Ready?

Meredith: I've been waiting for this for my whole life.

Derek smiles at her. He brings her hand up to his mouth and kisses it before letting it go. They both climb out of the car. Derek goes to the trunk and removes the stroller as Meredith stands next to the back seat, whispering loving words to her children. Derek just stands there for a moment, watching her in awe. He can't believe how natural, how amazing she is at being a mother. Well, he can believe it. He can believe it because he always knew that she had it in her, even if she didn't. He always believed in her. His family. That is his family. They are his family.

Meredith looks up at him and smiles.

Meredith: Well, Daddy, you better hurry up. We don't want to be late.

Derek smiles broadly at her, his smile reaching his eyes. He looks at his watch.

Derek: We still have 45 minutes. Plus, you know that they are never running on time.

Meredith: Yes, we still have 45 minutes before their appointment, but think about how many times we are going to have to stop so people can stare at them.

Derek smiles proudly. Meredith rolls her eyes.

Meredith: Yeah, yeah. You get to show them off, whatever.

She is smiling as she says this. She is happy that he wants to show them off, happy that he is proud.

Derek: I just want everyone to know that they are mine. That they are ours.

Meredith: Everyone knows. Trust me.

Derek looks at her strangely.

Derek: What is that supposed to mean.

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: It means that they have your hair, your eyes, and your last name. Everyone knows. You couldn't deny them if you tried, which you better not even try.

Derek leans forward and kisses her on the forehead.

Derek: I would never dream of it. I know that they are my children. I know. I look at them and I know. I think I've known since the moment I saw them.

Meredith smiles up at him.

Meredith: Just checking.

Derek leans forward and brushes his lips lightly across her ear, sending chills down her spine.

Derek: Don't worry. I could never deny you either. You have my heart, and that is something that I can't live without. You are something that I can't live without.

Meredith turns her head and hungrily presses her lips against Derek's. He is saying all the things that she wants, that she needs to hear. She reaches up and runs her hands through his hair as she pulls him closer, deepening the kiss as her tongue slides past the barrier of his lips. Meredith moans into Derek's mouth as his fingers make their way through her hair. Just as his hands begin to make their way down her back, the crying of one of the twins snaps them back to reality. They pull apart reluctantly, both breathless, both with eyes darkened with desire.

Meredith: We should...

Derek: Yeah...

Derek walks around the car and removes Maddie from her carseat as Meredith removes Michael. They place them in the double stroller and join hands as Derek pushes their children into the hospital, entering the walls of Seattle Grace for the first time as a family.


	26. Chapter 26

Meredith grabs Derek's hand as they walk through the sliding glass doors of Seattle Grace Hospital. He looks down at her and smiles proudly as he feels that he is displaying his family to the world for the first time, ever. He plans on walking these halls with them often and he can't help but allow the excitement to produce a huge, goofy grin on his face.

Meredith: You look happy.

Derek sighs happily.

Derek: I am. I am very happy. I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.

Meredith giggles as she leans into Derek's body as they wait for the elevator. He inhales deeply, breathing in her intoxicating lavender scent. Her scent. His favorite scent. He could say with certainty that Heaven smells like lavender, if he even believes in Heaven. He falters on the religion front quite a bit. Derek chuckles as the elevator doors open and they walk in, receiving many glances from the other occupants.

Meredith: What?

Derek: This is our first elevator ride as a family.

Meredith smiles happily to herself.

Meredith (sighing): Yeah, it is.

Derek leans in, his mouth dangerously close to her ear.

Derek: You know, I have a thing for elevators.

Meredith giggles as his warm breath sends chills down her spine.

Meredith: Do you now? I thought you had a thing for ferries?

Derek: Oh, I do. But this thing I have for elevators, well, the love of my life started that one.

Meredith decides to play along with him.

Meredith: And how did she do that?

Derek: Well, one day I was standing in one, minding my own business, when she pushed me up against the wall and begin to ravish me with her mouth.

Meredith: Oh really?

Derek chuckles.

Derek: Yeah, one minute she was talking about drawing lines and the next...well...let's just say ever since then I have had a thing for elevators.

Meredith: And this thing...is it intense?

Derek: Like you wouldn't believe.

Suddenly a voice from the back of the elevator interrupts their playful banter.

Cristina: Seriously, you guys are making me want to McVomit.

Meredith giggles as she turns around and meets the amused eyes of her person.

Meredith: I didn't even know you were in here.

Cristina: Well, you wouldn't would you? You two are too wrapped up in each other you probably wouldn't even notice if the elevator shut down.

Meredith just shrugs. The doors open and Derek and Meredith step off of the elevator and onto the surgical floor. They step out of the elevator, Derek beaming proudly, his chest sticking out slightly, and his hand gripped firmly in Meredith's. She honestly doesn't know what people will think. She doesn't know how they will feel about her letting him back in so quickly, but honestly, she doesn't give a damn. It is her life, her happiness, her family. They all saw how broken she was. How broken she was without him. She needs him and if they are too blind to see that, then whatever. She needs him. She loves him. A shrill voice cuts into her thoughts.

Voice: Oh my, they are sooo cute!!

Meredith rolls her eyes.

Meredith: Izzie, you just saw them not too long ago.

Izzie: I know, but still, they are just adorable.

Derek couldn't contain himself.

Derek: They are, aren't they? Probably the best looking babies this hospital has ever seen.

Meredith giggles at Derek's excitement and Izzie smiles warmly at him. It was nice to have him back. She knows that Meredith needs him, even if George didn't see it that way.

Izzie: I would have to agree with you, Dr. Shepherd.

Derek: It's Derek. I'm not here as a doctor right now, I'm here as a father.

Derek felt his heart soar as he finished his sentence. Father. Him. Derek Shepherd. It feels so good. Izzie bends down over the twins and begins to talk baby talk. Meredith wraps her arm around Derek's waist and pulls herself closer to his body, leaning in as they both gaze down at their children.

Chief: Well, if it isn't the Shepherd Clan...or well...you know...Grey and Shepherd and their children...

Meredith giggles at the Chief's rambling.

Meredith: Shepherd Clan is fine Chief.

Derek looks down at Meredith and kisses her on her hair, the smile seeming to be permanently fixed to his face now. Meredith looks up at him and their eyes lock. Their gaze so full of love and desire and passion that everyone around them can see it.

Meredith (whispering): Should we tell them?

Derek is happy that she wants people to know. His heart feels as if it has grown wings and is fluttering about in his chest. This day just keeps getting better. He wraps his arm around her shoulders and squeezes them gently, encouraging her to continue as he nods gently.

Derek (whispering): If you want to.

Cristina: Just spit it out already.

Neither of them had noticed the growing crowd that now surrounded their blossoming family. Meredith looks around and sees all of her friends, the Chief, Bailey, and a few nurses. She notices George standing behind the Nurses' station, still looking perturbed.

Meredith: Well, Derek and I...well...we are engaged...we are getting married!

Meredith's voice raises slightly at the end of this sentence as she almost sounds too much like Izzie. Her excitement is evident in her voice and the large smile that graces her features. Bailey's voice is the first to cut through the stunned silence that has overtaken the hallway.

Bailey: About damn time. Congrats, Grey, Shepherd.

Bailey leans over the twins and says something that is unintelligible before straightening up, shooting a brief smile at Meredith and walking away. Richard is the next one to move. He immediately envelops Meredith in a hug.

Chief: I am truly happy for the both of you. Congratulations.

Meredith: Thank you.

The Chief then shakes Derek's hand.

Chief: I expect to see you in my office shortly.

Derek: Of course, we will be there right after the twins' appointments.

Chief: Okay. See you then.

The Chief shoots them both a big smile before turning and walking away, leaving the couple to face Meredith's friends. Alex walks up and pats Meredith on the back.

Alex: Happy for you Grey.

He looks pointedly at Derek before bending down over the twins and speaking to them, much to everyone's surprise. When he leans back up he notices the looks of surprise.

Alex: What? I am Uncle Alex. It will definitely attract the ladies.

Everyone rolls their eyes.

Derek: Karev, you are not using our chilren to pick up "ladies" as you so put it. So don't even think about it.

Alex just shrugs before stalking off. Izzie smiles happily at the couple.

Izzie: I really am happy for you guys. Welcome to the family Derek.

Izzie bends down over the twins and speaks in baby talk, very characteristic of her bubbly personality. She straightens up when her pager goes off.

Izzie: See you later. Congrats, again.

Derek and Meredith: Thank you, Izzie.

Derek heart melts at Izzie's words. He is a part of their family now. The intern family. Meredith's family. The only family Meredith has really know. He is a part of her family and he can't wait for Meredith to be a part of his family, to meet them all. She is already his family, but his big family. Meredith will have so many families she won't know what hit her.

Next Cristina walks up to them.

Cristina: I don't do fluffy things, so yeah. Whatever. About time is all that I'm going to say.

She turns to Derek.

Cristina: And if you ever hurt her again like you did when you left, I swear to a freaking aortic dissection that I will kill you and make it look like an accident...and it won't be a pleasant death either...it will be slow and torturous...

Derek just nods. He doesn't plan on ever hurting Meredith again. He knows that they will fight and they will hurt each other, but never again like he hurt her when he left. He will never leave her again. Never. Even if he hadn't already promised himself that already, Cristina's words would prevent him from hurting Meredith again. Cristina is scary and he would never admit it, but she does scare him a bit.

Cristina rocks back on her feet as she looks down at the twins.

Cristina: Cute rugrats, or whatever. Look, I have surgery, so yeah...I'm maid of honor right?

Meredith: Of course.

Cristina: All right then. See you later.

Cristina walks off leaving them virtually alone. Virtually alone with the exception of a few nurses and George. George shoots her a disgusted look before walking briskly away. Derek notices the change of Meredith's expression and he pulls her closer.

Derek: Don't worry about him, Mer. He will get over it or he will just have to learn to deal with it.

Meredith just sighs.

Meredith: Yeah, you're right.

Derek: Of course I'm right. I'm always right.

Meredith: So cocky.

Derek: You love it.

Meredith just rolls her eyes as she giggles and they begin to walk back to the elevator to take the twins to their check-up, Meredith finally feeling as if she has a family of her own.


	27. Chapter 27

Meredith and Derek step off of the elevator and onto the OB/GYN floor. Derek holds his head high as he pushes the stroller down the hall, eliciting several "awws" from passing nurses and patients. His babies are cute. His babies are cute and he knows it. He turns to a now giggling Meredith and raises his eyebrows.

Derek: What?

Meredith: You are a proud daddy.

Derek smiles at her use of the words daddy. He puffs his chest out just a little more.

Derek: Damn right I am. Our babies are the cutest babies that have ever graced the halls of Seattle Grace. I mean, how can they now be? Look at their parents...

Meredith giggles and nudges him with her elbow.

Meredith: You are so cocky.

Derek chuckles.

Meredith: I mean, I'm amazed that your head fits in the elevator. Seriously. Seriously.

Derek wraps his arm around Meredith, pulling her closer while placing a quick kiss on her hair. A smirk evident on his face.

Derek: We have already established that you love the cockiness.

They reach Addison's office, where Meredith wraps her arms around Derek's waist and leans her forehead agains his chest. Derek runs his hands up and down Meredith's back.

Meredith: Derek?

Derek: Mmmhmm?

Meredith: I'm glad you are here.

Derek places his hands on Meredith's shoulder and pushes her back slightly, so that he can look in her eyes. Their eyes meet and everything else seems to fade away, to become insignificant.

Derek: Listen to me. There is no where else I would rather be. This, right here with you and the twins, this is where I belong. This is the spot I have been moving towards my entire life and I never plan on leaving your side again, Meredith Grey. I love you and I love our children more than I ever thought possible. I am here. I am in this.

Meredith nods as her eyes fill with tears. She notices that Derek's eyes are also glistening with unshed tears. Just as she opens her mouth to speak, the door to Addison's office open and the redhead stands there in all her designer glory, smiling.

Addison: Derek, Meredith, why don't you and the twins go ahead and step into my office.

Meredith nods as Derek navigates the stroller into Addison's office. They sit down in the chairs across from Addison. Meredith has to admit that she is a tad uncomfortable. Addison looks amazing, while she looks...blah. Well, how is she supposed to look? She just squeezed two freaking watermelons out of her vagina a month ago. She would like to see Addison try that. Seriously.

She glances nervously at Derek. Not sure how he will handle the situation. She is surprised when he seems to take the high road. He clears his throat to speak.

Derek: Addison, I just...I wanted to thank you for taking care of..of my...family. Thank you for being there when I wasn't...I just...Thank you.

Meredith grabs Derek's hand and squeezes it. It seems that he is having as hard of a time concerning not being here as she is about not having him here, but she knows. She knows that if they want to move forward they can't dwell so much in their past. She knows that, but that doesn't make it easy. Easier said than done, isn't that the saying?

Addison smiles warmly at Derek.

Addison: It is my job, Derek. No thank yous are necessary.

Derek opens his mouth to speak, but Addison cuts him off.

Addison: So, how are the twins doing?

Meredith smiles and seemingly glows as she begins to talk to Addison about all of the progress that the twins have made. Derek looks at her amazed. Motherhood has made her so...different. Different in a good way. Different in a way that makes him love her even more. He listens to her brag about the advancements of their very young children and he sees the same pride in her that he himself feels. She is amazing. Simply amazing. Addison's voice breaks through his internal session of admiring his beautiful fiance.

Addison: Okay, well it sounds like everything is going well. I will have a nurse lead you into an empty exam room and we will check their growth.

Meredith and Derek nod and exit Addison's office. A nurse leads them to an empty exam room, all the while checking Derek out. Derek is completely oblivious, but Meredith notices. Meredith notices and then notices Derek's oblivion. She can't help smiling to herself. The nurse leaves them in the exam room, alone.

Derek smiles at Meredith as he places his hands on her hips.

Derek: I love you.

Meredith looks up at him and smiles.

Meredith: I love you too.

One of the twins makes a noise and both parents turn their attention to their children. Derek bends down in front of the stroller and reaches out his hand to Derek Jr., who is now wide awake. The infant looks at Derek's hand intently, as if he is trying to focus, before he reaches out and grabs one of Derek's large fingers in his tiny hand.

Meredith looks down on the two men in her life, tears building in her eyes. She sees the smile on Derek's face. How could she ever think about not telling him? Derek leans forward and begins to talk to his son in a hushed voice.

Derek: You know, slugger, you and your sister were conceived in a room very similar to this one.

Meredith gasps.

Meredith: Derek!

Derek chuckles and he turns his head to look at Meredith.

Derek: What?

Meredith: I don't think you need to be informing our children about the night of their conception!

The smile on Derek's face melts her heart a little and she can't help but allow the corners of her lips to turn up.

Derek: Why not?

Meredith: Because! That is exactly the kind of thing that can cause serious damage! Trust me, I know!

Derek straightens up and grabs Meredith's waist, pusing her against the exam room bed. He looks deep into her eyes.

Derek: Seriously??

Meredith: Seriously! How do you think it felt for my mom to tell me my dad had to get her drunk to knock her up?! Seriously, Derek!

Derek is chuckling now and Meredith hits him lightly on the shoulder. She feels his hot breath on her neck, sending electricity down her spine. He leans forward, his lips only millimeters from her ear.

Derek (in a low husky voice): I can't be in an exam room without getting turned on, Meredith.

Meredith shivers at the intense sensations running through her body. Her breathing becomes labored as the temperature of her core increases rapidly. She wants him. She wants him right now.

Derek places light kisses along her cheek and jawline, the sensations created by his moist lips and tongue mingling with those created by his hot breath caressing her skin. He places his hands on her ass and lifts her up onto the bed with a small grunt. She runs her hands through his hair as she looks deep into his now indigo eyes. Their hot breath hits the other in the face as their breathing has transformed into panting. Panting with need, panting with desire. Derek quickly leans forward and captures Meredith's lips with his own. She moans into his mouth at the pleasurable sensations coarsing through her body upon the contact. She wraps her legs around his waist and feels his growing erection against her thigh. God, she missed him. All of him. Every single inch of him.

He lightly grazes his tongue along her bottom lip, begging for entry into her mouth. Needing to taste her, needing to be close to her again. Needing her. Always needing her. He runs his hair through her tendrils. Her tendrils. His mind wonders back to last night and their marathon of lovemaking. He thinks about the way her silky lavender-scented hair fell across his chest as she rocked her hips back and forth on top of him. The way her scent filled his nostrils, allowing him to feel alive again. Feel alive again inside of her. Inside of her where he belongs. Home. Home with her, inside of her, where he belongs.

Meredith opens her mouth slightly, granting his tongue access and he hungrily thrusts past her teeth, immediatel seeking out her tongue, wanting to participate in an intimate mating dance. A dance that they both know so well, but hadn't participated enough in lately. But it is like riding a bike, something you never forget. With Meredith, it isn't something you can forget, nor do you want to. She is his heroine, his cocaine, his morphine. She is his drug, his painkiller. He can never get enough of her.

Meredith pulls his body closer to hers, digging her heels into his ass. They finally break apart when oxygen become necessary, but Derek doesn't stop. He moves his attention from her mouth to her neck. He pulls back on her hair, granting him more access to the column of her neck. She moans and squirms a bit as he pays special attention to the spot that only he knows about, that only he can work.

Just as Derek begins to move down her neck and the front of her chest, the door opens and his ex-wife, her doctor, steps into the room. Meredith and Derek immediately seperate. A blush spreads across Meredith's face as Addison clears her throat and Derek readjusts his pants in an attempt to hide his obvious arousal. Addison raises her eyebrow at the pair.

Addison: Well, it's good to see that having children hasn't taken away your sex drive.

Derek chuckles as he looks at his blushing fiance.

Derek: You're telling me.

Meredith's mouth drops is shock as she looks at him.

Meredith: Derek!

Derek just shrugs and smirks.

Derek: She is an OB/GYN, Mer, sex talk doesn't embarass her.

Meredith squints her eyes at him.

Meredith: Yes, but she is also your ex-wife, Derek. I highly doubt that she wants to hear about our sex life.

Addison chuckles at their banter and steps further into the room.

Addison: Meredith is right, Derek. Unless you have any pertinent questions, I really don't want to hear about your sex life. It is just a little too...

Meredith: Weird.

Addison: Yes, weird. So, do you have any pertinent questions?

Meredith bites her bottom lip as she looks at Derek under her lashes before turning to Addison.

Meredith: Umm...

Addison: What is it?

Meredith: Well...I...was...just wondering...if you...could...uh...givemethemorningafterpill.

Meredith runs the last of the sentence together and Addison looks at her for a few minutes in confusion as she tries to decipher Meredith freak out. Finally, it dawns on her what Meredith needs.

Addison: Ohhhh...you need the morning after pill?

Meredith just nods as she bites down on her bottom lip.

Meredith: I'm just...I'm not...I can't...I just...

Addison interrupts Meredith's incoherent rambling.

Addison: It's okay, Meredith. You don't need to explain it to me. I will just weigh the twins and write you the prescription.

Meredith: Could...you...uh...also give me one for birth control??

Addison just smiles and nods.

Addison: Of course.

Derek walks over and rubs Meredith's back as he kisses her hair, showing his support and making Meredith feel much better. Addison notices the effect that one simple touch from Derek has on Meredith and she can't help but smile to herself. He really loves her. She didn't really see it before, but now she sees how much they need each other.

Addison: Well, let's get these guys through their first doctor's appointment.

Meredith and Derek both light up. Their children's first doctor's appointment. Sure, it seems like no big deal, but to them, to them it is a very big deal. It is a very big deal because this is the first thing of many that they will ever do as a true family.


	28. Chapter 28

Addison smiles warmly as she completes the twins' exams. She hands Derek Jr. back to his father.

Addison: They are right on track with their weights.

Meredith and Derek smile down at their children, already feeling pride at this small accomplishment, small yet so large. Addison sighs as she looks at the happy family, an image of what she wants.

Addison: They look just like you already, Derek.

Derek smiles happily and chuckles as he runs a finger along the cheek of his son.

Derek: They do, but they have Mer's nose.

Meredith: Thankfully.

Derek: Hey! My nose adds character.

Meredith: Sure it does, sweetie.

Derek sticks out his bottom lip as he feigns insult.

Derek: I thought you loved my nose.

Meredith stands up and walks over to stand next to Derek, Maddie in her arms.

Meredith: I do love your nose, but how would your nose look on our daughter? And it is nice that they have something of mine.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: I guess you are right. I'm glad they have your nose too. I happen to find your nose adorable.

Meredith smiles at him.

Meredith: Well, that's good, seeing as how you're stuck with it for the rest of your life.

Derek: I wouldn't want to be stuck with any other nose.

Meredith: Good answer.

Addison clears her throat. They had forgotten that she was there, they were so wrapt up in each other.

Addison: You need to bring them back in about a month for their first round of immunizations.

Derek looks at his ex-wife, his face exuding with joy.

Derek: Thank you, Addi. It means a lot to me that you took care of my family. Thank you.

Addison smiles warmly at her ex-husband, the bitterness flowing away as she sees the extreme happiness in his eyes.

Addison: I was doing my job, Derek.

Derek: Still, thank you.

Addison: You are very welcome. When is your mother coming?

Panic suddenly overtakes Meredith's face as she glances rapidly between Addison and Derek. Derek looks at Meredith, apology written on his face. Meredith's mouth falls open.

Meredith: When?

Derek opens his mouth and closes it again several times before he actually finds his voice

Derek: Umm..actually...she...and uhmmm...my sisters...they..

Meredith: Spit it out, Derek.

Derek: The day after tomorrow.

Meredith stands there, blinking and staring blankly ahead. She shakes her head back and forth a few times.

Meredith: I'm sorry. I must have passed out or something, because I thought you just said that your mother is coming the day after tomorrow.

Derek cringes.

Derek: I did.

Meredith walks over to the stroller and gently places her daughter in it. She looks at Derek.

Meredith: Put Michael in the stroller.

Derek: But..

Meredith: Put Michael in the stroller Derek or so help me God...

Derek walks over and places Michael in the stroller. Once he has done this he straightens up and looks at Meredith, concern now written across his features. Meredith looks at Addison.

Meredith: Addison, do you mind watching them for a moment while I have a few words with my brainless brain surgeon?

Addison chuckles as she knows that Derek is about to be reamed for his stupidity. Derek runs his hand through his hair as Addison nods at Meredith.

Addison: Of course. Go ahead and use my office.

Meredith grabs Derek's hand and drags him out of the exam room. Derek shoots Addison one last look as he is pulled out of the exam room, fearing the inevitable freak out from Meredith.

--

Meredith jerks open the door to Addison's office and pushes Derek in. She turns around and faces him, fire in her eyes. He can't help but cower away slightly. She's intense when she's pissed.

Meredith (in a loud voice): Derek Michael Shepherd!!

Derek takes a hesitant step towards her. She holds up her hand.

Meredith: Don't!! You are an ass!! Do you know that?? You are a first class ASS!

Derek: Meredith...

Meredith: No! You say Meredith and I yell remember?? Your family is coming the day after tomorrow and you didn't even tell me!! ASS!!

Meredith paces the length of Addison's office a couple of times before she stops and spins on her heel to face Derek.

Meredith (in a low, threatening voice): How long have you know?

Derek clears his throat.

Derek: Umm...since..yesterday morning.

Meredith throws her head back and her arms up in the air.

Meredith: Seriously?! Seriously?!

Meredith steps forward and starts hitting him in the chest with her tiny ineffectual fists. Derek is a bit taken aback.

Derek: Ow. What are you doing that for?

Meredith: Because, you are an ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

Meredith accentuates his assedness by hitting him each time she says the word. Finally, Derek grabs her wrists and stops her hands mid-air.

Derek: Meredith, stop it.

Meredith: No! Don't you tell me what to do, Derek Michael Shepherd. ASS!

Meredith struggles in Derek's arms, attempting to break his hold on her.

Derek: Meredith, stop!

Meredith stops struggling against his hold and he releases her wrists. Meredith crosses her arms against her chest, effectively shutting him out. She looks at him, the fire still burning in her eyes.

Meredith (in a fierce voice): Fine! Your family is coming...so you see them while you are staying at the trailer.

Derek's mouth falls open. He wasn't expecting this reaction. He knew that she would be mad, but he didn't expect her to refuse to meet his family and to kick him out.

Derek: Mer...

Meredith: No! Your family wants to meet your children, so you can take them out to dinner with you or something, but I'm not going since I'm not important enough for you to mention that they are coming.

Derek sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

Derek: Meredith, that is not how it is. Not at all.

Meredith: Well then, how is it Derek, because I'm rather confused? Why don't you enlighten me?

Derek: I just forgot. I got so wrapped up in you and the twins that it slipped my mind. I love you, Meredith. I want my family to meet my future wife.

Meredith: Well, you have a hell of a way of showing it.

Derek reaches out and grabs her shoulders. Meredith throws her arms up, trying to break his hold on her, but she fails. He tightens his grip.

Derek: Damn it, Meredith.

Derek is frustrated with this fire ball standing in front of him. It turns him on. It really turns him on. He can't resist any longer. He crashes his lips down on hers, taking her completely by surprise. Meredith tries to push him away at first, but eventually gives in to his persistance. She bites down on his botton lip, hard, eliciting a gasp of pain from Derek. He breaks the contact and looks at her. Her lips are swollen, her breasts are heaving. She is turned on. He can see it.

He grabs her shoulders and turns her around so that her back is now facing the door. He pushes her forcefully back against the door, causing Meredith to gasp in surprise. He reaches down and locks the door with one hand while he works on the button on Meredith's jeans with the other. Meredith moves her trembling hands down to Derek's belt and quickly and expertly unclasps it. Meredith can feel Derek's erection as he pushes her harder against the door. She runs her finger under the waistband of his boxers causing him to groan with intense need.

Meredith: Hurry!

Derek harshly pulls Meredith's jeans and thong down before quickly dropping his own. Meredith gasps as Derek grabs her ass and lifts her off of her feet. She instinctively wraps her legs around his waist. This is going to be some angry sex. Derek leans forward and captures Meredith's lips again. Meredith bites him again.

Meredith: Ass! Hurry up!!

Derek doesn't need her to prompt him again and he thrusts into her quickly and harshly. She bites down on his shoulder to stifle her screams, causing him to thrust harder and faster. With each thrust her back pounds into the door. She digs her nails into his back, creating crescent moon shapes on his skin through the fabric of his shirt.

Derek: Shit...shit...damn it...shit...I'm...shit...

Meredith: Ahhh...mmm...shit...ohhhhhhhh...god...shit..

Derek feels her walls begin to clench around him and he loses it. He increases his pace even more, sending here over the edge, him following right behind her. Derek groans into her neck as his body shudders with his orgasm.

He holds her against the door as he tries to catch his breath. He is shocked when she begins to hit his chest.

Derek: What the hell?

Meredith: You are still as ass!!

Derek smirks.

Derek: I am the ass who just made you cum.

Meredith pushes his chest. He places her feet back on the floor and steps away from her, pulling up his pants. Meredith puts her thong on and is in the process of pulling up her jeans when she looks at him.

Meredith: I really hate you sometimes.

Derek: You love me.

Meredith rolls her eyes as she buttons her jeans. Suddenly her mouth falls open and she glares at him.

Meredith: I can't believe you!!

Derek: What the hell did I do now?

Meredith (in a harsh whisper): We just had sex against the door of your ex-wife's office door!

Derek chuckles.

Derek: It was some hot, angry sex.

Meredith glares at him.

Meredith: And it will be the last sex you have for a very long time, ASS!

Derek: You say that now, but I happen to know that you have no self-control. It's sad. Really.

Meredith's mouth falls agape as she stares at him.

Meredith: Have a great time with your family. I'm going to go get our children from Addison and go home, to my house.

Derek: What are you saying?

Meredith narrows her eyes at him.

Meredith: I'm saying that you can find somewhere else to stay until you stop being such an ass, seeing as how I have no self-control and all.

With these words Meredith storms out of Addison's office, leaving Derek standing there, shocked at her intense anger.

Shit.


	29. Chapter 29

**This is actually two chapters in one...This is a finished story...it is posted in its entirety on my site...the link to which is in my profile...hope you like it...**

It takes a moment before Derek realizes what just happened.

Shit.

He repeats to himself before rushing out of Addison's office. As he steps out of the doorway he runs into a body. He staggers a bit before regaining his footing. He looks up and he meets the face of a smiling Chief.

Chief: Shep! How are you doing??

Derek runs his hand through his hair as he sighs loudly. The Chief's face falls.

Chief: What the hell did you do? Less than an hour ago you two were on cloud nine...

Derek grimaces as he thinks about the sudden change in the situation.

Derek: My family is coming to visit and I kind of forgot to tell her...

The Chief's mouth falls slightly agape. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before any sound escapes.

Chief: When?

Derek: The day after tomorrow.

Chief: Stupid. That was stupid.

Derek sighs frustratedly.

Derek: I know. I know. Trust me, I know.

Chief: Do you? Do you have any idea who important this is to her?

Derek looks at the Chief pointedly.

Derek: What do you mean?

The Chief sighs and he motions for Derek to follow him. Derek glances down the hall to see if Meredith is still there, but she's not. She's gone.

Shit.

He has to fix this. He needs to fix this. He loves her so much and he knows that his family will love her. His family will love her because he loves her. His family will love her because she has given him his own family. His own family. With Meredith. His feet feel heavier as he follows the Chief into his office. The Chief motions for him to sit down in a chair across from his desk and Derek silently obeys.

The Chief sighs as he runs his hand over his face and leans back in his chair.

Chief: Now, this conversation is just between us. Understand?

Derek nods as he leans back in the chair, mimicking the Chief's actions.

Chief: Now, you know about Meredith's mother's disease, but what do you know about her family life?

Derek: Not much. I know that her mother and father were both absent. I know that she considers the interns more her family than anything else.

The Chief nods.

Chief: That's right. Her father left when she was five and her mother, well, her mother was never motherly. Your children and you, you guys give her the chance to have a real family of her own and as much as she may play it down, it is really important to her. It is also important that your family accept her. She needs your family to accept her because she loves you and she is afraid of losing you.

Derek starts to interrupt the Chief, but he holds up his hand, effectively keeping Derek silent.

Chief: She is freaking out. She has lost control over the situation and she is freaking out. I suggest you work your ass off to get back in her good graces and to make her feel comfortable and accepted into your family, because she deserves it, Derek. She deserves to be a part of a big family that is going to love her like their own.

Derek stares at the Chief, his mouth slightly agape. He is completely shocked by the Chief's words. Not so much the words as the fact that it is the Chief who is speaking them. He knows that he is right. He knows and he wants nothing more than for Meredith to be both a part of his nuclear family and his larger family. He wants that. He really wants that. He wants that for himself. He wants that for his children. He wants that for Meredith. He loves her.

Derek: You're right.

The Chief chuckles.

Chief: Of course I'm right.

Derek starts to stand up, but stops and looks at the Chief, his brow furrowed.

Derek: How do you know all of this?

The Chief sighs as he leans forward and places his hands on his desk.

Chief: Meredith is like a daughter to me. I changed her diapers when she was a baby and I helped her assemble the cribs for the twins. She is the daughter I've never had. Just like I consider you the son I never had. You two really love each other and you deserve to be happy. So, make her happy Derek. Give her something no one else has ever given her. Give her the family she deserves.

Derek smiles at the Chief as he reaches forward and shakes the Chief's hand.

Derek: Thank you. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

The Chief smiles warmly at Derek.

Chief: Your welcome, Derek. Now, go fix things.

Derek starts to walk out of the office but stops with his hand on the doorknob. He turns back around to face the Chief.

Derek: What about the contract?

Chief: I know how much it means for you to have her here, so you can sign some other time.

Derek smiles at the man sitting before him. The man who had filled the role of his father figure when he was just an intern.

Derek: Thank you.

Chief: Now, go.

Derek chuckles as he leaves the Chief's office. He needs to find Meredith. He needs to fix the mess he has created. He sighs as he begins searching the hall of Seattle Grace for the love of his life and his children.

--

Derek continues to look around the halls of Seattle Grace for five minutes before he runs into one of the last people he wants to see right now.

Voice: So, you screwed up again.

Derek sighs as he turns to face a very pissed off looking Cristina Yang. He runs his hand through his hair.

Derek: Yeah, I guess I did.

Cristina: You guess? If you just guessed you wouldn't be looking like someone just killed your puppy.

Derek groans as he leans back against a nearby wall. Cristina waves her finger at him.

Cristina: Oh no, that isn't going to work on me.

Derek looks at Cristina completely confused.

Derek: What?

Cristina: The leaning thing. It may work on Meredith and it may work on the other women who tend to ogle you, but that sure as hell isn't going to work on me.

If Derek was in the situation, he would chuckle at this comment, but he doesn't. He doesn't chuckle because he is in no mood to chuckle, no place to chuckle, and he needs Cristina to tell him where Meredith is. He pushes himself off of the wall with his elbows.

Derek: Do you know where she is?

Cristina: Of course I know where she is. I am her person.

Derek: Well, where is she?

Cristina makes a noise that is somewhere between a snort and a laugh.

Cristina: Like I'm going to tell you. You are an ass.

Derek sighs and runs his hand through his hair again before looking at Cristina with pleading eyes. Cristina waves her finger at him again.

Cristina: And that won't work either.

Derek: Please, Cristina. I know I'm an ass. I get that. I do. But please, please tell me where my fiance and my children are. I am begging you.

Cristina looks at Derek amused. Who would have thought that the Head of Neurosurgery would be begging her for favors? He does look miserable, but her loyalty is to Meredith, not to Derek, and Meredith made her swear not to say anything. Yet, she can't help but feel a bit bad for him.

Cristina: Sorry, Dr. Shepherd, but Meredith is my person.

Cristina turns and starts to walk away. Derek runs his hands over his face and leans back against the wall. Cristina's voice startles him when she next speaks.

Cristina: Just give her some time to collect herself. She is freaking out right now, but I happen to know that tonight Izzie is cooking a big dinner to celebrate the twin's being one month old.

Derek sighs in relief as his body relaxes a bit.

Derek: Thank you, Dr. Yang.

Cristina looks at him pointedly.

Cristina: Don't thank me. I didn't do anything.

Derek straightens up as he realizes that she is telling him not to mention this conversation, ever.

Derek: Of course not. I was just thanking you for giving me your best intern the other day.

Cristina: That's what I thought.

Cristina turns and starts to walk away.

Derek: Good day, Dr. Yang.

Cristina turns back to Derek right as she is about to turn the corner.

Cristina: Good luck, Dr. Shepherd. You are going to need it.

Cristina disappears, leaving Derek alone and leaning up against the wall of the hospital.

Derek (to himself): I know I am.

Derek closes his eyes and begins to formulate a plan for how he can make this better. He has to make this better. He wants to make this better. He needs to make this better. A sharp voice cuts through his thoughts.

Voice: Derek Michael Shepherd!

Derek jerks his head up and meets the eyes of an angry Addison Montgomery.

Derek (in a tired voice): Addison...

Addison: No, you listen to me.

Addison walks towards Derek until she is standing right in front of him. She pokes him in the chest as she speaks to emphasize her points.

Addison: How dare you spring something like this on her!! She has been through hell and back this past year and you spring this on her.

Derek: Addi..I..

Addison: Shut up and listen to me Derek, and you listen good. I was here and I saw how Meredith fell apart after you left. I was the one who had to prescribe medication for blood pressure, I was the one who cut the cord for the twins. Me! Derek! Me! Your ex-wife. I was there. I was there when you should have been and Meredith may have forgiven you, but she still hasn't healed. She still hasn't healed and she still fears that you will leave. She is afraid that your family will show up and they won't like her and that you will leave her again.

Derek: But that's...

Addison: Don't even finish that sentence. I know you aren't going anywhere, Derek, but you need to prove it to her. You need to prove it to her with your actions, because words can only do so much. So you better fix this. You better calm her down and you better damn well make sure that she fits in with your family, because we all know what a bitch Nancy can be.

Derek: But they will love her...I know they will...

Addison sighs in frustration.

Derek: What?

Addison: You really don't get it do you?

Derek: I..

Addison: No. You don't. So, don't even pretend like you do. Nothing is more important to Meredith than building a happy family and she wants to build that family with you.

Derek: I just...I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Addison: That's the problem. You didn't think. So, now you need to think. You need to think hard and you need to figure out a way to fix this mess and you need to fix it fast.

Addison doesn't wait for Derek to respond before she turns on her very expensive heels and walks away, leaving Derek once again alone to figure out how to dig himself out of the massive hole he has dug for himself.


	30. Chapter 30

Meredith leaves Derek alone in Addison's office. She is not happy. She is not happy at all. In fact, she is pissed. She can't believe that he didn't tell her that they were coming the day after tomorrow. How did he expect her to react?

Meredith(to herself): Seriously?!

She walks down the hall and back to the exam room where Addison is watching their children. She just can't believe that he didn't tell her. He had told her that they wanted to come, but he never told her when. The day after tomorrow. That is too soon. Too soon. She can't meet them the day after tomorrow. That is barely giving her any time at all. What about the house? She won't have time to clean it and take care of the twins. What in the hell was he thinking? What an ass!

She jerks open the door to the exam room and immediately receives a sympathetic look from Addison.

Meredith: He can be so brainless sometimes!!

Addison smiles warmly at Meredith.

Addison: What are you so afraid of?

Meredith jerks her head to look at Addison.

Meredith: What are you talking about?

Addison: Why are you so scared of meeting Derek's family?

Meredith sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

Meredith: Because I need them to like me.

Addison arches an eyebrow.

Addison: Why?

Meredith: Because I've never really had a family. Because I want a family. I want a family with Derek and I'm afraid...

Meredith stops speaking and looks down at the ground. Addison walks over and places a comforting hand on Meredith's arm.

Addison: What are you afraid of?

Meredith (barely above a whisper): That he will leave us if they don't like me...

Addison gasps in surprise.

Addison (sighing): Oh, Meredith. He would never leave you...

Meredith (whispering): But he already has...twice...

Addison: Can't you see, Meredith? He never really left you.

Meredith looks up and her tear-filled eyes meet Addison's sincere ones.

Meredith: What do you mean?

Addison sighs.

Addison: Even when he was with me, he wasn't really with me. You've always had his heart Meredith. I think you've had his heart from the first night you met him in the bar. So, he's never really left you. You have always had him.

Meredith now has tears streaming down her face. She quickly straightens up.

Meredith: I have to go. I can't see him right now.

Addison: Okay.

Meredith smiles weakly at Addison:

Meredith: Thanks.

Addison: No problem.

Meredith leaves Addison alone in the exam room as she pushes the stroller out into the hall of Seattle Grace. Meredith makes her way out of the hospital while Addison suddenly becomes determined to find Derek.

Meredith doesn't make it far until she runs into Cristina. Cristina notices that Meredith looks upset.

Cristina: What did McDreamy do now?

Meredith: His McFamily is coming and he forgot to McTell me.

Cristina's mouth falls slightly agape.

Cristina: Seriously??

Meredith looks pointedly at Cristina:

Meredith: Do you really think that is something I would joke about?

Cristina opens her mouth to speak, but instead she bursts out laughing.

Meredith: Cristina!! You are supposed to be my person!

Cristina(laughing): I ...just...McDreamy...screwed up...again...

Meredith crosses her arms and looks at Cristina.

Meredith: You are not being supportive. You are being a crappy person right now.

Cristina finally looks at Meredith and sees that she is visibly upset and she finally becomes seriousy.

Cristina: I'm going to kick his ass.

Cristina turns and walks away, ignoring the shouts coming from Meredith. Meredith sighs as she watches her person turn the corner and disappear.

Meredith (to herself): Oh well, maybe he deserves to get his ass kicked.

Meredith smirks to herself before getting on the elevator and making her way out of Seattle Grace Hospital. She is going to let him sweat this one out. She can't help but smile as she steps off of the elevator and walks out of the front doors of Seattle Grace, her plan already taking form in her mind.


End file.
